Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

Can you talk directly to his new partner? Maybe she doesn't know, and would think differently if she did.

Except at any event for their brothers?

Such as?

Maybe once at their wedding in 20-30 years?

How does having two half sisters with the same name actually affect them in any way?

It's pretty basic. A name is an identifier. If you only have two sisters and both sisters have the same name...well it's not much of an identifier is it? Also, the parents are proclaiming to the world 'we care more about our own continuing strife than creating a normal post-divorce family for our kids'.

Wow, so much hate aimed at me when I haven’t caused this! Thank you to the support replies. My post was about how my sons would take it, and not the situation or name personally. The babies will never see each other, birthdays for my sons are separate and we only ever speak at drop off and pick ups for our sons. I don’t want to cause confusion for my sons but ultimately I don’t want to give up a special name because someone irrelevant to myself to wants to use it, hence why I’m concerned about my sons reaction. It’s hurtful for comments such as ‘I bet it’s common or a granny name’. I can’t out myself with further information as it is easy to Google and find out who I am, but the woman I am naming my daughter after is no different to anyone naming their child after a person, just that the meaning behind it is significant. Again, my husband loves the name and knows it’s personal to me and not ‘a name I would have used with my previous husband’, it’s specific to myself and my circumstances not a general name I like and not in the top 100 name list.

If all living locally school, activities - I’ve come to pick my sister up from brownies no not that one the other ‘Gertrude’
In life graduation, wedding, christening. You wouldn’t think it odd as mother of bride that groom has two twenty year old sisters there both called ‘Gertrude’.

Definitely use the name. This is your and your husband's baby. Don't let your ex-husband control you.

This is your child. Use the name you love.

In my family, we often nickname each other things not related to our names, e.g. 'pickle'. We also sometimes call each other the first letter of our names, like call Bella 'B'. Your sons may naturally come up with nicknames like these for their siblings. Just let it happen naturally. Don't give your ex-husband another thought when thinking about your baby.

We live an hour apart they will not attend the same school or have the same friendship groups. Chances of them meeting are almost 0, until they are teens/adults if ever. We only speak and see each other at pick up and drop offs, every other weekend.

I was thinking birthdays (although OP has said they are separate), communions, school plays, awards ceremonies... The list goes on.

"oh I have a new sister named Lisa"
2 weeks later they pop into school again "oh I have another sister also named Lisa"...

"my sister Lisa has started walking". Oh which one? The one on your mam or your dad's side?

It's going to be annoying for the girls brothers but seems like neither side will back down. Don't discuss it with exH again and just go with it as you intend to do.

• communion/bar mitzvah or any other such religeous events
• birthdays (every year as kids big ones as adults)
• graduation party
• engagement party
• wedding
• having babies and baby related events (christening/baptism/naming ceremonies, birthdays)
• if they ever get seriously ill or injured and are in hospital
• support during loved ones funerals etc...

Do you only see you siblings at weddings? thats wierd, normally siblings are involved in each others lives.

Those arent hurtful/hateful comments

Why is something being common (its common enough for you and this other woman to chose) bad? common is usually because lots of people like something so 'good'

Why is being a granny name (massively in trend right now) bad? once again a trend greatly liked

That attitude shows you have some kind of complex about uniqueness.

If it's only your sons you are concerned about, it really won't be an issue. If they ever need to distinguish between the girls it'll just be "dad's Lucy" or "mum's Lucy" or "Lucy A" or "my other sister". Like in school when you have four Sarahs in your class, or talking about your two grannies. It's really not a big deal.

Not at all, it’s the speculating which is completely unnecessary. My sons have top 10 names, it’s irrelevant what the name is.
thank you all for the kind comment, I will take on board what you’ve said and try and forget about it then see what happens when the babies arrive.

I think you're making up scenarios here.

The OP's sons are 6 and 10. They're not going to be picking either of the Gertrudes from Brownies.

Whose christening would they meet at? The boys are the only family they have in common and I'd imagine that at 6 and 10 they're either already christened or they're not going to be.

OP has already said they don't live locally to each other, and birthdays are done separately. If either of her boys have, say a big party for their 18th or 21st birthdays, first of all, would they even want their teen or pre-teen half sisters there, secondly, how likely is it that they would have a big family party including both halves of a separated family who aren't close, thirdly, even if these things did happen, the boys will be adults by then and will have had a decade to get used to having two half sisters called Gertrude.

Graduation? Meh. You usually get two tickets to graduation and have to go on a waiting list if you want more. How many graduation ceremonies have you been to which were attended by mum, stepdad, dad, stepmum, full sibling and two much younger half siblings? Not many, I reckon.

Their weddings - assuming they ever get married - strike me as the one time in their lives the two Gertrudes are actually likely to be in the same place, and since the OP's sons will be adults by then, will probably have had two half-sisters called Gertrude for a couple of decades by then, and will have more important things to focus on than whether some random guest notices that their two half sisters have the same first name and thinks it's weird.

Mountains out of molehills here.

communion/bar mitzvah or any other such religeous events

Most people don't have these.

birthdays (every year as kids big ones as adults)

OP has said birthdays will be done separately, there is quite a big age gap here, and I don't think adults are likely to be too bothered about having two family members with the same first name at their birthday party.

graduation party

Don't know anyone who had one of these.

engagement party

Don't know anyone who had one of these either.

wedding

How much time do you think an adult is going to spend worrying about this on their wedding day?

having babies and baby related events (christening/baptism/naming ceremonies, birthdays)

If the OP's sons ever have children, which they may not, it's unlikely to be for another 20 years. And even if they do have children, they may, like most people, decide not to make it into a gigantic circus involving multiple events attended by all the extended family.

if they ever get seriously ill or injured and are in hospital

Yes, if I were hospitalised following a serious illness or injury, the embarrassment of having two half sisters with the same name who might coincidentally show up at the same time during visiting hours and cause a doctor or nurse to remark on the fact that they have the same first name would definitely be my biggest worry.

support during loved ones funerals etc...

Whose funeral do you imagine both these children are likely to attend, other than - God forbid - one of the OP's sons?

The OP's new baby girl isn't likely to be attending the OP's ex husband or his new wife's funeral, and the OP's ex husband's baby girl isn't likely to attend the OP's or her husband's funeral.

So it's really only likely to arise if the funeral is for one of the half brothers they have in common. In which case the one who has sadly died isn't going to care about his two half sisters having the same name, and the one who is still alive is going to have bigger stuff to deal with.

Honestly, these examples are completely mad.

I do think it's weird and confusing for your children to have two siblings with the same name.

I don't want to think that and feel awful for you @Jasparconcorde to be in that position.

I can imagine the frustration of not even knowing if they'll choose that name too.

I'd be tempted to delay registering the baby until the last minute to suss out what they decide on.

If it was me, despite my attachment to the name, I think them using it would tarnish it and I'd choose something else.

This is probably the conversation they'll be having over and over.
How many siblings do you have little Joe?

I've got three, Tom, Laura and Laura.

Erm, okaaaay...

Use the name. A friend’s sister and wife have the same first and surname and they cope fine.

This is not the same as 2 siblings born within a few weeks of each other

Or

"I have three. There's Tom, then a Laura on my mum's side, and a Laura on my dad's side."
"That must be strange?"
"Not really. They're never in the same room together."

The end.

I would definitely use the name. It's a name you love and he knows how special it is to you.

When his wife finds out (which she will) she will also be annoyed he didn't tell her surely?

A good friend has an ex Dh who always said if they had a boy he'd call him Diesel(!). Cue affair and they separate. Gets a dog with new wife and calls it Diesel. We all still have a good laugh about it now and wonder if the new wife knows the name was originally suggested for a baby with his ex?!!

I agree with pp. Call the baby BabyHeather.... if the new wife thinks your being the unreasonable one show her the thread!

As with so many situations on MN a bit of communication is the best place to start. And no, that doesn't mean announcements on facebook, fgs. I'd ask ex husband and his partner directly if they're seriously planning on using the name. Spelling out the special significance of the name to his new partner, as she may have no clue. He may just be trying to wind you up, but at least you'll get some further clarity on the matter.

If they do go ahead and use this name you have every reason to feel pissed off. However, personally speaking, there's no way on earth I'd then proceed to use the same name for my daughter too. Surprised so many people are encouraging you to do this and claiming it will be no biggie for your sons to have two sisters with the same name. I'd feel very odd as one of the two Gertrudes knowing my parent and their ex had some kind of ridiculous naming standoff.

I wouldn't want the boys to have Sisters with the same name. Both their parents are starting a new family with someone new. Why add to their confusion. I do think your ex is being unreasonable and if I was his new wife I would be annoyed if I knew it was the name you really liked.

I don't agree with the Sisters not ever being together if the boys have a close relationship with them both especially when they are older. They would all probably talk about how weird it is.

Exactly what @Classica said also.