Does anyone else late 50s feel so nostalgic, and like life is running away from them

[lipstickwoman]

Im trying not to be too gloomy here. I've had several bereavements in the last few years, which have really made me realise how short life it. I find myself increasing nostalgic and aware how fragile life is

What do you do to put these feelings aside and live life to the full?

@Eyesopenwideawake I really needed that, thankyou.

I think it is an inevitable feeling for anyone who reflects once you are over halfway through your life and people manage it differently-people keep busy with hobbies etc but it is all linked to the knowing that we will die that we like to live in happy denial of I think-there is a reason this sonnet is so well known right

Sonnet 73: That time of year thou mayst in me behold
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed whereon it must expire,
Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Those ruminating on past decisions have made me remember a quote from author Hilary Mantel. I can’t find the original piece I read but this is similar

“I have written a memoir called Giving Up the Ghost, which is about my own childhood, but also about my ancestors and children who were never born, and about the ghosts we all have in our lives: the ghosts of possibility, the paths we didn't take, and the choices we didn't make, and expectations, which seemed perfectly valid at the time, but which somehow or other weren't fulfilled. I describe ghosts like this: "They are the rags and tags of everyday life, information you acquire that you don't know what to do with, knowledge that you can't process; they're cards thrown out of your card index, blots on the page." “

Not Hilary but back to me on MN - Try to be kind to yourself. Chances are you made the best decision you could with the situation and information you had at the time.

@Oblomov22 if you are in your 50s and not lost anyone of significance then you are very fortunate and might struggle with empathy on this topic. It's nice that you enoy eating curry and drinking wine but it doesn't cut it with some of the struggles people on this thread have faced or are facing.

@SaltyCrisp agreed, not sure why they have bothered posting to be honest. They are usually quite argumentative on other threads too.

This is such a thought provoking thread. I'm 53 and have been medically retired for the past 10 years due to a health condition and disability. Tbh it accelerated my outward (and inward) ageing and it has taken me a long time to reach some sort of peace with it and how it affects my life, and also that of my partner and teenage DC. I lost my younger DB earlier this year and it does change your perspective, I think. Losing a parent is hard (and I lost DF in my early 30s) but when it's a sibling it's very different I think. I'm still at the stage of processing this and am half expecting to see him walk through the door. Christmas is going to be very different this year.

I was watching a programme about the history of Covent Garden last night, and being a born and bred Londoner it gave me a huge wave of nostalgia for spending so many weekends there as a teenager. Watching film from the 1970s and 1980s made me want to go back there. However, when I think about it properly,, I was a shy teenager who had plenty of dreams but also plenty of anxiety about so many aspects of my future. I have grown in confidence and self-esteem so much since then that I am wary of romanticising the past completely.

I also agree that societal changes have somehow given us the message that we should look and behave like 25 year olds well into our 50s, and possibly 60s. When I think about my grandparents, there is little comparison between how they were and how we are now. I think in some respects this is great, ie the wear what you like however old you are, but also that it feels like a betrayal to say that we are different people in our 50s and 60s and that is ok.

It's strange, but for me, I am probably more contented than I have ever been, even though my life is pretty limited and is likely to become more so as I get older. I do try and find the joy in the small things and focus on the positive wherever I can because I have learned that being angry and bitter (have done this too btw) really doesn't help when you can't change your circumstances.

Anyway, OP, I think some nostalgia is a good thing, particularly if it's a way of keeping those people we have lost alive in our memories. I do try and balance it out with some hopes and plans for the future as I think there's still life to be lived, however restricted it may be.

I agree @lipstickwoman

@lollipoprainbow
which threads are you referring to?
"usually quite argumentative"?

out of all my posts, and I post a lot daily, what % do you consider argumentative?

1)I've been on a postnatal postnatal group that I'm still on, for 14 years and they don't consider me argumentative.

2. and I'm also on a GCSE, then A-level and now uni thread and have been for the last 5 years and they don't think they consider me particularly argumentative either actually.

Plus you didn't like my suggestion of having curry and wine with friends? and talking about these issues and getting advice and perspective and having a laugh and a giggle - you didn't think that would help? Did you think that that was flippant of me to suggest that such a thing - would not help such a serious issue?

(in my post where I also suggested listing nice things to do)

I don't have issues very often, but when I do, the above works extremely well. Wine and curry with my two closest friends often re-dresses my balance. I think women don't talk to their friends enough. I was about to say I'm sorry if it doesn't for you but actually I've got nothing to be sorry for. if that doesn't work for you then that's ok. Try some of the other suggestions.

Interesting thread. I'm 57 next month and I totally agree that early fifties is very different to late fifties.

I had my DS at 35 and he's now 21- I divorced his dad 10 years ago and had to start again with a 23 year mortgage that I've got down to 7 years. I realise I'm very fortunate to be in a fairly good position with my finances but I have worked hard to do so - along with an excellent decision in my early 20s to join the company pension scheme!! I think all young people should pay into one, although they don't realise the importance.

I've been thinking about early retirement for about 5 years. Made the decision to sell my house and buy one £60k cheaper a couple of years ago which has helped with the mortgage situation.

My DS no longer needs me as he did five years ago and that's been a big adjustment for me. I've also had some health problems in the last couple of years, plus menopause related issues. A close family member died last year shortly after being diagnosed with cancer and that was extremely traumatic as I supported them and their wife. I think my resilience took an absolute battering and it's taken me a year to recover. So I send to all of you that have experienced grief and trauma.

I never ever look back and wish for the past, and I think that's just down to who you are. I'm a much stronger person now than I was in my 20s and 30s and I have recently discovered travelling - over the next few years I plan to take as many trips as I can. I'm acutely aware that we need to make the most of life and I think spending time with loved ones, doing things that bring you joy and having gratitude for the smallest things can help us to love a happier life. But I do see that many people are struggling with some really serious and traumatic situations so it's very much easier said than done.

I hope not to be working in my current role when I'm 60, and hope instead to be travelling, looking forward to grandchildren (🤞🏻), spending time doing things I love. And also doing some form of 'work' but on my terms.

I had a sibling who went missing over 20 years ago. Still no trace of my sibling although they have been declared dead (not at my request).. I think of that sibling nearly every day, so I’m essentially being pulled back into the past nearly every day.

To think the past is the past and that we shouldn’t let it affect us now or affect our future just seems not possible to me.

The disappearance of a sibling is a pretty unique example but I think when we love people and they die we are always going to travel back to the past at times. My best friend, friends since we were 7 years old died aged 50. Of course I’m going to think of her regularly. She’s in the past. So she’s still with me now.

what’s that saying - “the past is not dead, it’s not even the past.”That saying is true for me.

Morestrangethings 💐

@Morestrangethings how unbelievably difficult that must be. I'm so sorry x

HannahDefoesTrenchcoat. lipstickwoman

Thank you both.

@Morestrangethings
I can't imagine how that must have felt, such unresolved thoughts and feelings.

I'm so sorry, @Morestrangethings

My partner died very young and i thought that would prep my for my mums death but it didn't, nothing comes close to losing ones mum... not for me anyhow.

But what i do now as i approach my 60s is to value life more.... a fall or illness and everything could change instantly.

It always shocks me (when i think about it) how many sprightly 60 somethings there are but how the majority of 70 plus are frail.

Use it or lose it i guess?

I spoke earlier of my loses, parents dying young, death of siblings, also close friends, these things do affect you, not just momentarily but throughout your journey in life, it does affect your life no matter how much of a brave face people put on.

I do see women in their 50's suffer great loss at a time when there are physical losses, health losses, partner losses and feel empathy as my losses seem to have been staggered, the adjustments were made easier.

In life I always had an analagy of life in a boxing ring, where I view others lives and my own as one continual match. Within the boxing ring I may have an opponent at whatever time, be it a husband, a friend, an employer, any opponent really and in my corner inside the ring with me mopping my brow and whispering inspiring words of love , empathy and support are the direct family, they could be siblings, mother, father, very close friends.
Outside of the ring supporting me are the outer group of supporters, the ones that side with me, as a distant voice in the backgroud.

I know it sounds strange but losing both parents very young, I always saw this sort of visual fight in my head and I see it in others, how the inner ring of support can instantly or slowly diminish and you can be left there battling alone. I aways felt great sympathy for those without parents, especially mothers, even worse if there was no close female such as a sister to hold onto.
I have also seen how those who have had very complete families up until very old never really think of how fortunate they have been in life's boxing matc

All fights are different in life, some are impossible to win, some are never ending and you carry the scars into the next battle, but having good support makes any life stage easier, especially the unconditional support of family. I see many in their late 50's losing that unconditional support and there is no shame in taking time out to recover from those hits, you then slowly pull yourself back up, by yourself or if lucky with the ones left and hopefully see the small things in life can give you pleasure again.

Op you have had a great deal of losses in a relatively short time, this must have affected you, there is no shame in acknowledging these losses and giving yourself permission to grieve and adjust to a different world or lifestyle, there is also nothing wrong with nostagia, we all look back to when our boxing ring was full.

The small things are so important, they help you get back up onto your feet and fight again.

I'm aged 41, so much younger than all of you but I feel nostalgia for my 'youth' and think about it every day.

I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome in 2015 before I was had an iatrogenic injury from an off label antipsychotic that was for severe anxiety and insomnia after my TBI. I've been living with this injury, a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia, for 8 years now. (It's a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined). My brother died in 2017 of bowel cancer aged 34, I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery in 2017 and I think my whole body has basically deteriorated since I banged my head.

Yes, I have a wonderful family and children whom I love and who are my life but I feel so alone. Cognitively, I'm not to same. Mentally, I struggle with everything most days but just keep going for my children. I have a horrible feeling of being empty headed and I'm certain the head injury and movement disorder have totally screwed up my dopamine which isn't helping my motivation at all.
My family are supportive in many ways including financially and I am incredibly grateful for what i have but I just feel like I am going to be existing over the next 30 years and not living. The thought of my life being like this, totally different to what I ever expected, saddens me more than anything. I just feel dead inside most days.

Sorry for the typos and depressing post. I used to be an editor and copywriter before I stopped working in 2017, and the thought of going back to work next year scares me so much. I just don't feel capable at all 😭

@myoldtoe your post is spot on x

@NooNooHead1981 you've had a really hard time, and faced challenges greater than most. The impact of it all must be so difficult to deal with.

@myoldtoe , love the analogy of the boxing ring.

Such a good thread, thank you @lipstickwoman

For me, nostalgia is just for something lost that will never come back. Absolutely understandable for those of us who have lost loved ones we simply cant replace. My heart goes out to you all. How do we deal with it all? I try to take pleasure in the simple things, a nice coffee, a walk through the countryside, a laugh with dh or friends . Sometimes its enough and sometimes it isn't. And the times it isnt are just tough and hurt. Because we're all human.