Does anyone else late 50s feel so nostalgic, and like life is running away from them

[lipstickwoman]

Im trying not to be too gloomy here. I've had several bereavements in the last few years, which have really made me realise how short life it. I find myself increasing nostalgic and aware how fragile life is

What do you do to put these feelings aside and live life to the full?

The fear of death and dying are fundamental to the human condition (and to many religions) so I do not think for one moment peopke.ar.alone with those existential thoughts. I think philosophically and mentally it may be n advantage to face realities instead of confirming to Hollywood examples of perpetual youth (or at least.extnded).

I actually think the release of.pictures of the late Queen in an obviously trial state brought to the fire discussion about decline and death. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

The 50/60 year olds are expected to behave in a manner similar to 30 year olds despite the fact their bodies are slowly aging. I think the menopause has been a significant taboo as it is quite a clear biological indicator of age which I presume. a lot of women have challenges facing. Similarly erectile disfunction is rarely discussed with men

Especially in the workplace. Ds is 63, he can’t brown nose or work up loads of enthusiasm. But he’s expected to behave like a 30 year old. I completely agree there is denial of ageing in this society especially at work.

Even of having children is a factor in thia? Having had children relatively late in life (mid/late.30s) my children are still going at a time when I others are independent and off to uni etc. I think this brings an additional worry as I am concerned about my health at an age where thanksgiving do need some life assistance especially with potential grand children. Was I selfish not having a family in my mix twenties?

I think previous generations summed this stage of life up quite well when they used to refer to women going through 'the change'. Obviously it covers menopause, but actually I think it's more than that, it's the shift we get as the kids no longer need us in the same way, parents if we still have them might start needing more support and we wonder what the next stage of life will have in store for us.

I think it's important to focus on the good things that have happened up till this point and to make an effort to stay positive, create as many good memories as possible, and to keep interests and friendships going because if in later life your mind 'goes', these are the memories you're going to be re-living. I see my darling dad in the final stages of Parkinson's and dementia and one comfort is that he's had a happy life, (not childhood though). I hope that the years of positive outweigh the sadness of his childhood and that it gives him comfort because his mind is no long in the here and now (which is a good thing because he would hate knowing the sorry state he's in now).

So here's a question, do any of you who have scrimped and saved and gone without in order to enjoy retirement regret that and wished you had splursehd when younger? Reason I ask as my retirement plans are buggered due to loss of business due to covid. Was going to sell to fund retirement. My pension pot is rubbish and I lost my house, I have no idea how I will live when I retire at 67 (late 50's) but I do have wonderful memories of many travels, I still have a list of places I want to see and honestly think sod it, keep travelling and see what I can before I cant. I work very hard for a medium paid role and rent. I am fairly fit and work out daily. I don't know what's round the corner but I am sick of worrying about the future - I've lost two friends in their early 50's. It has to be live for today doesn't it.

this is a very interesting thread. thanks so much for sharing everyone. i am 50 and just approved for adoption. my husband ( a little younger ) is very enthusiastic about this ( we are childless so this is our only chance to have a child). We would be adopting a toddler -4 years old most likely. the social workers think we will be great parents to a child in need
but the thing I am struggling with is doing this at our time of life. But if we don't I worry about the lack of meaningfulness on the years ahead of me - not because i don't think life without children is lacking -it can be just the opposite ! But I have done so much in my life that has been meaningful as i have had a very lucky and privileged life working with people and children creatively - but still there is something missing, I suspect it is the nurturing of an individual child, but very nervous to take the leap. any perspectives welcome!

@Beautifulvue

come and join us over at the adopters board, you will get lots of great advice and support.
Many adopters are older, I was 47 when I adopted my son, though he was a nearly 8, 10 years on, we have had our challenges but we worked through them and he is a fine young man.
At 57, I am about to be approved as a foster carer so starting all over again.

Having nerves, worries, even doubts, at this stage is completely normal, I worry more about people who don’t.
Good luck!

thanks so much Ted 27

@Cantstandsmugness

Big queation. I think there is a real danger of younger generation not thinking about pensions and ending up in an impoverished old age. On the other hand obviously you want life experience when younger.

I think unfortunately financial status does have a bearing on retirement. The wealthy lol forward to endless golfing trips, cruises, foreign holidays etc. While those on limited means need to give retirement thought.

The media have a role to play in this portraying retirees as middle class, in reasonable health and possessing a lifetimes wealth e.g.a nice house and significant investments. The media tend to ignore the average pensioner who may be reliant on social housing and faces the same grim cost of living crisis as the rest of the population (or even more so).

We do not live in a society

I'm in my mid 60's, I think I've thought all the things mentioned here & come out the other side! I am very content (aim for contentment, not happiness, that's too fleeting) I reckon I've (hopefully) got another 20 yrs, give or take, & want to make the most of them.
I've got some health issues but if I don't walk far, I'm ok! I'd like to see some things before I pop off. Never been abroad but don't feel I've missed anything, but would like to see more of the UK.
I have off days, of course I do.. but on the whole am quite a positive personality (I've worked hard at it.)
I've never had much money, but am secure. Enough in the bank for replacing boilers & the like. I have two ND children but they are ok. I lost my DH many years ago, but know I was loved, & that makes a huge difference.
I have a word with God every morning & thank Him for my many blessings. Life is good. :-)

mamabear715 Well said. This is exactly how I feel. As you say, you need to strive for contentment as happiness is much less enduring.

This is such a great, thought provoking thread. 53 here (had to do some mental arithmetic to work that out)

@Fizzadora - just do it, go on those travels.

To the eloquent poster who wrote of the visceral nostalgia, I welled up reading that!

I often tell myself that I have 25 good years left. It's a lot but also gone in a flash. I'm doing OK work and finance wise and should be able to retire at 59 but I want to fill my life with joy before then too. I'm really coasting at work and know I need to be putting some effort in somewhere, a hobby, friends etc but a bit lost atm at where to turn. The obvious answer is to invest more in health and fitness as without that you have nothing.

66 here, still feel 35 most of the time, until I look in the mirror!
Touch wood I am fortunate to have good health, as does my husband and that allows us to be pretty active. Our son was 30 this week and that made us feel a little ancient. We gave up work many years ago and moved abroad for a simple life and it was great. For various reasons we're back now but I don't regret the decision for a second. Obviously we're not as well off as we would have been if we'd stayed in the UK but it was very definitely worth it.

Recently I have started to think about my mortality more and hope I've another 20 years left but only if I'm in reasonable health. I'm not frightened of death but I pray that when I go it will be quick like my dad who died sitting on the terrace in the sun. He was 84 and had no discernable health problems. A few more years with him would have been lovely but as deaths go it was pretty perfect.

Great thread with such moving contributions. I'm 58 and like many of you have gone through very significant changes in the last few years. DH died in 2020 having had all the ups and downs of cancer for the previous few years. The last 6 months of his life - at the start of covid - was extremely hard. At the same time I made the decision to take voluntary severance from work. Pretty much every aspect of my life changed. I am lucky that my parents are still alive but they are suddenly (at 85) having significant health problems and as my siblings both work and have younger children I can see the burden of this is going to fall disproportionately on me.

In the aftermath of DH's death I increasingly focussed on my own health and financial security as I am desperate not to leave DS alone or unsupported. He is now in his final year of uni but was hard hit by his father's death and very anxious.

DH was quite a lot older than me and his 50s were spent with a young child and younger wife, which made him feel much younger than he might have done. I have the opposite problem - having experienced the declining health of DH and his siblings and being widowed in my mid-50s made me feel much older than I am. I did not really intend to retire when I left work. The plan was to write full time, to travel, to volunteer, etc. But I really haven't got going on any of that yet. I'm still working through the enormous to-do-list of bereavement, sole-charge of an old house, re-ordering my finances, etc.

My father retired in his 50s and seemed to spend 30 years pottering. I always swore I would not do the same and assumed I would have to work until I was in my late 60s. Yet here I am, pottering my life away . . .

I've worked with young children for the last 20 years and now have a 2 year old grandchild. I just love seeing life through their eyes and this helps me feel positive and look forward to the future despite being 62! I lost my mum at 63 which was life changing but my children ( and my dh) helped me through. It sounds very simplistic but it keeps me young in mind and spirit if not body.

I meant in the sense that I see many people in their 50's losing parents and how hard that can be, especially at a time whereby they are going through menopause, many going through loss of long marriages, it's just a hard time all at once.

I do agree with a pp saying that early 50's is completely different to late 50's, it's a monumental shift in my opinion, tinged with a bittersweet knowledge of aging and apreciation that we are still here.
Early 50's for me felt like I was still trying to control my surroundings, external factors affecting my peace of mind, as you age I think there is a lessening of that control you assert a sort of knowing things can't be changed, an acceptance, which for some reason gives me a strange serenity or peacefulness.
From what I've seen as well, there seems to be a slight shift in maturity with men turning 60, they do tend to lag behind us, that imbalance is very large in our 50's.

I have re-read this thread. I can't relate to much of the stuff written, but maybe that's because I haven't lost anyone yet. But I did experience a big hurt 10 years ago.

I don't understand the nostalgia loving. What does that achieve? You are here, now, you can't change the past. Craving the past doesn't help you with the present, or the further.

Like OP and the party. Wanting to carrying on partying is just not realistic is it? How, on a practical level does that help in the here and now?

You say it's all "gone". But that is a very odd view. Nothing is gone. Have counselling re your past if you need. Then enjoy your future. Or else it's just a waste.

And I value health highly. But dying is part of life. I'm not frightened of dying. And becoming ill is also. I don't want to be ill, but I might become. What can you do other than best deal with what we are given. We could all get cancer tomorrow. But living in fear of that is a waste of the present.

The posters post I like the most is Crunched. Optimist but realistic. And Floral.

@Oblomov22 I don't think anyone would disagree with you, but it's easier said than done when life has given you a bit of a battering.

To go back to my original post, what do you do to put such feelings aside?

@lipstickwoman

I think lots of people have told you what they do, they don't waste time dwelling on it, they look to what they have and make plans for the future.
Future plans don't have to be huge grand things, most of mine centre round my allotment, maybe at long last I will be able to have dog again and possibly a huge fish tank. If my son has children I hope I will be a big part of their lives

@Beautifulvue
My answer to all this has been to try to continue to do the thing I love most which is raising children so I adopted an11 month old at the age of 50 . There are a lot of us older adopters out there so go for it I say !

I appreciate you've been damaged by recent events. But surely, as part of the realising how fragile life is, how precious it is, you then try to remind yourself (daily if need be, or a review weekly) of living for the moment. Enjoying things. Small pleasures. And a nice to-do list, of nice things to do by the end of this year, by next year. Yes to planning, pension reviews etc, but if you aren't enjoying the present, then it's a waste?

I see my friends plenty, have curry and wine regularly, plan to go to a new European city each year. That fulfils me. But if you want to see your friend more often/visit ... the Van Gogh sunflowers in London national gallery/ the Trevi fountain Rome, what's stopping you?

What a thought provoking thread . I'm mid 50's and have the usual aches / pains but no serious health problems and I agree with the poster who said early fifties is different to later 50's .
I come from a very small family but am lucky enough to still have my parents . My biggest concern going forward is that when they die I will have no ' connection ' to anyone . I'm divorced but never had children and I will have absolutely no-one . Yes I have friends but they have their own families so things like Christmas will look very different for me . I do dwell on this but I enjoy every other aspect of my life. I wonder how many others are in this situation.

Thank you to all who have contributed and shared your thoughts. I'm comforted to realise it's not just me, and may be somewhat normal.. although I'm sorry others are also struggling and have experienced difficult times.

I don't agree it's a easy as not dwelling on it.. for me if I didn't love my life, take pleasure in things, then the horrible realisation it won't last forever wouldn't be so much of an issue. I do acknowledge grief and loss have rammed home to me the fragility of it all, as it has for some of you too.

this is so beautiful and inspiring. all best wishes to you and your little one