Do remember neglect from your mother as a child?

[heartbroken22]

What was it?

I remember when I was in year 8 I had a really bad fever in bed and she just left me to go a wedding with my younger siblings. I honestly felt so sick and thought death was going to come, got up when I could and took some medicine. If I brought it up now she'd just find some shifty excuse to say ohh I didn't know how to be a mother then. What at 40 years old? It annoys me so much.

@Milesty1 - I put my DMs childhood trauma down to a lot of her "off" parenting decisions. She had the most amazing, loving, parents, but life is not always easy and perfect, so through no fault of her parents my DM experienced quite a lot of childhood trauma (although she would never admit it a such) I also suspect my DM has ADHD and possibly is also on the autistic spectrum (again, she would howl with laughter at such a suggestion) but I was thinking only today of some of the very strange decisions is she's made over the years. Not abusive or neglectful when I was an adult, but thoughtless.

So sorry for what so many of you have been through. In many ways it has made me feel grateful for my own mother, who meant well and tried her best but often her best wasn’t good enough.

There were things I noticed at the time like being left alone a lot as an only child of a single mother who worked all the time, often until late in the evening. She was severely anorexic so there were a lot of issues around food and I ate all of my meals alone from a young age. All of my clothes were from jumble sales so often tatty, ill-fitting or inappropriate for the weather etc. I noticed this at the time because I got bullied for it. There was no help or support around the bullying. I told her and was just told to deal with it. The house was inadequately heated and I felt very much alone with only the TV for company. There was just a general sense of not being part of a warm, supportive family life that I saw a lot of my peers enjoying. That was for other people.

Then there are things I realised as an adult, like the fact that I should probably have been taken to a doctor on a couple of occasions when I was knocked unconscious. I was never told about periods but we did learn about them in school so I knew what to expect. I don’t think I told her when I started my period and she never asked. I wasn’t really prepared for adult life and I still struggle with a lot of things now.

My ACE score is 10. It causes me physical pain to think about my childhood. I found this post strangely comforting 💐

I got left home with a vomitting bug at 13, I don't associate that as traumatic or neglectful?

By 13 i was quite independent, I didnt need a parent to feed me calpol all day.

Yes often

she just doesn’t have maternal feelings towards me and at times obviously resents me

the abuse she didn’t protect me from has never truly left me or the feelings from her neglect. I could have been a very different person, instead I struggle with relationships and constant self doubt

child neglect leaves you with wounds that you constantly struggle to heal

Yes I'm well aware of that. What's your point?

The implication from your correcting posters from age 8 to Y8 is a value judgement that it is ok in the later age bracket. You stated it is a 'Massive difference' between the two groups, whereas I think it is unacceptable to leave either age suffering from severe fever.n

You also selectively quoted the NSPCC's definition of neglect in order to discredit the OP's experience.

The full paragraph is: -

What is neglect?
Neglect is the ongoing failure to meet a child's basic needs and the most common form of child abuse2. A child might be left hungry or dirty, or without proper clothing, shelter, supervision or health care. This can put children and young people in danger. And it can also have long term effects on their physical and mental wellbeing.

OP was left without supervision and health care and is continuing to experience longterm effects on their wellbeing years after the event.

@RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway

I provided the link to the NSPCC?

Please stop now I have actually apologised to OP

You reading into my correction to mean anything other than it being just that is wrong. The detail bothered me. I never said it was on at any age. All I said was in isolation I didn't consider it neglect and backed it up with the NSPCC because that's where I turn to when I want to straighten my head about things that something crepe up on me.

Different times, I was always left in bed when ill. Didn’t consider it neglect (had a drink but not food, however when this ill I couldn’t eat). It was a lonely experience and not to make excuses, but not sure that generation knew any better.

The only reason I posted the sentence from the NSPCC was not to discredit anything it was because said neglect was ongoing and I asked OP if it was isolated because the website said neglect was ongoing.

I’m not trying to minimise any trauma but a lot of these examples are just parenting of the 70s/80s/90s and was considered acceptable and normal.

Waitbuntil our own kids call us neglectful in 30 years because we let them watch Netflix and posted pictures of them on social media.

It was a strange choice to say year 8 rather than age 13. It's not great, but having three guests cancel on a wedding last minute because a teenager has a temperature is also shitty. I wouldn't be accusing someone of neglect if they gave their teenager some paracetamol and sent them back to bed and went to a wedding for a few hours as a one off.
I think it's quite insensitive to call this neglect.

From the age of 10, when I was sick, I was put in isolation with no comfort or entertainment and checked on every few hours. Boarding school life. That isn't my example of neglect but I have many.

It was a strange choice to say year 8 rather than age 13

It's something that has bothered me for years. Pet peeve, I have made thread about it in the past and had my arse handed to me for it.

Totally. My mother was a narcissist who was obsessed with her career (academic) and her looks. I've often wondered why she even bothered having children in the first place. She often made us feel like we were impediments in her life.

I still have very mixed feelings about her. She drove my father to an early death with her constant belittling on him as she had to prove all the time that she was intellectually superior. Horribly competitive, self righteous, selfish woman who thought she was 'brilliant' but in retrospective lived out a terribly tortured and unhappy life. Later was we grew older she positioned herself in competition with us. She just couldn't stand everything not being about her all the time.

For all her conceitedness, she was totally devoid of any self awareness of how truly awful she was. I remember my sister acknowledging this a few years ago.

She left me with an awareness of how awful women can be. Even the neighbours hated her despite her constant meddling in their lives as she was very manipulative with people.

Awww OP. It's telling that despite the physical abuse, what you most remember was this day when your mother left you when you needed or wanted her.

I think that's a manifestation of feeling emotionally abandoned. It's all well and good for people to say - I was also left at 13yrs old when I was poorly but it's the stuff around that which for you was different. Perhaps these other posters felt inherently loved in a way that you didn't, which meant it wasn't an emotional thing for them to be left alone while unwell. Perhaps their mothers fussed all over them before leaving them, maybe they left a drink and medicine at their bedside table, maybe these mothers showed how bad they felt having to go, maybe they called home at lunch time to check how they were doing but maybe the way your mother left you was just so unfeeling and uncaring.

I think we can all understand that. I've been stood in the doorway feeling bad about leaving my grown ass hairy husband at home with a cold - fetching him medicines, and leaving food and telling him to 'text if he needs anything, I can always come back and to make sure he phones the doctor' etc etc.

All of those things (or the absence of which) can play into how this specific instance made you feel.

I'm guessing overall it's part of a much bigger picture. Because if your Mum was someone who was there for you the majority of the time, then in this instance you probably would be more inclined to give her a pass on it and be more sort of 'I can't believe you did that Mum' a bit indignantly, perhaps even jokingly now years later. I'm guessing that your overall feelings are one of not being cared for more generally which makes this example hard to get past and for good reason. What I'm saying is, this example for you fits into a specific context of feeling uncared for which might not be the same for others.xx

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet 100% the social media storm is coming. There are going to be millions of kids in 20 years' time up in arms about it. There's already some adults now starting to sue their parents for it. France have started making laws I believe. There's a movement starting called 'Sharenting' and it doesn't need to just be pictures, but also all the anecdotes from pictures of messy bedrooms to toddler tantrums. I post absolutely nothing on my children. I do think in 10-20 years' time this will be a massive thing where kids everywhere will be talking about how their parents didn't respect their privacy.

@Donttalkimcounting totally agree, I don’t post pictures of my kids either. I’ve noticed more and more parents doing things like pictures of their kids messy bedrooms and ‘funny’ stories. I do think people should think carefully about this - my dad used to take me into a smoky pub and even sometimes leave us in the car and pop out with crisps and cans of coke now and again. He’d never have considered this neglectful (and neither do I) and I’m sure some people on this thread don’t consider themselves neglectful parents but their kids may well tell them otherwise when they’re adults!

Yes and it hurts because i love her still. I feel sorry for her now as she is dying of cancer but also anvry at alot of the random stuff she did and didn't do when j was a child. Fed me but not correct portions so always starving and she would get angry if i said i was hungry and ask for more. Late nights i would wake up to the smell of fried food where id watch her stuffing her face wigh fried bread and battered fried spam. She was always fat and i was always thin. If i was ill she'd tell me she had no latience with ill people, be amgry with me and tell me to stay on bed. Not one ounce of sympathy or love. She of course poured all the food, sympathy abd love she could find into my younger brother. She allowed my father to systematically bully me throughout childhood and adolescence, she wouldnt hug me when i needed it, but then if she needed a hug and i didn't feel like it she would say i wasn't an affectionate child. She wouldn't give me emotional support when i was bullied at school and told me to get on with it. She made out i should be grateful as i got spoilt for xmas and birthdays bjt the house wasnt really my standard of clean and i realise now that my clothes always stunk of cooking and uggh was only allpwed one bath a week.

Not until my teen years. My mum only ever bought me one bra when I was 13 and I was still wearing it until I was 16 and 3 cup sizes bigger. I got a Saturday job then and bought my own. Granted, I was one of four (the only girl) and we didn't have a lot of money. But my mum was forever buying herself stuff on the catalogue and never bought us anything. I pleaded with her for new underwear but she refused. She wouldn't let me shave my legs. She didn't buy me underwear. I had the most basic of Sanitary products on the cheap and I had to ration those. Puberty was awful for me. I never want my daughter to go through that. My dad worked a low paid job but they got maximum benefits from all the children before anything was capped. My mum never had to work. My parents had a lot of debt from my mums shopping addiction while the kids lived off hand me downs from church. She's almost 60 now and is much the same.

Wow forgot to mention she used to geto wound up amd angry that she would sit on top of me thumpinh my face and thumping my chest. How can i lpve this woman still.

She also left me in hospital for great lengths of time after an accident because she had my golden child brother

I feel terribly sorry for every poster here. My mother and gran were (and are) wonderful. Not without faults of course as we all are but tried their absolute best.
I hope you all find peace now in your adult lives.

Mine was all over the place caring not loving and neglectful but my mother ‘turned’ to neglectful and abusive the second I started fighting back about my abuse from my stepfather.

Because I refused To be compliant. Because I hit him back. Called him the cunt he was. Broke his nose. Took myself to sports to get stronger to fight him off when he was drunk (sober I had not chance) to run faster than he could. Learned to be smarter than them to get out. I learned how to bind my door shut so he wouldn’t piss all over my bed.

its then that she really resented me and it all went cold. I left at 16 and have done significantly better than she has done.

if I had been compliant things would’ve been different she’d probably have been different but I wouldn’t be the woman i am now.

That's really rough. I'm sorry you went through that. It takes a lot of bravery to stand up to your parents though and I'm glad you did. I took the silent rabbit route with my abuse but I often wishes I could have had the courage to stand up for myself.

Just the opposite, and would have enjoyed a bit of neglect. My mother was absolutely obsessive with me. Had to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. Chose my clothes for me, even when I was a teenager. She even used to drive by my school during recess and PT to watch me on the grounds. Would openly listen in on ALL phone calls. Did not allow me to make any choices, or would veto them when I tried. Pre-read any books I was interested in. I was nearly 50 years old before I trusted myself to make even basic decisions.