Do remember neglect from your mother as a child?

[heartbroken22]

What was it?

I remember when I was in year 8 I had a really bad fever in bed and she just left me to go a wedding with my younger siblings. I honestly felt so sick and thought death was going to come, got up when I could and took some medicine. If I brought it up now she'd just find some shifty excuse to say ohh I didn't know how to be a mother then. What at 40 years old? It annoys me so much.

When my parents split I was the eldest at 5. My mum decided to become an addict so we lived in actual squalor with used needles everywhere. I stole food from shops.
But that was better than when we were then taken off her and given to my dad, who let his partner abuse us for fun. At least my mum sort of loved us.
My point is that although I wouldn't leave my sick year 8 child now, I'm not sure I would judge too harshly that it happened in the past.

At 12 I was left home alone overnight to look after my 7 year old sister and my 3 year old autistic brother .

Yes, constant emotional abuse that I didn't recognise until she tried it on my DCs. A malicious, vile woman who'd had a perfectly nice childhood and a wonderful relationship with her own mother. My father was completely detached and unavailable but not malicious.

What haunts me sometime is remembering this girl at school when I was 7/8, she was a little older. 'Everyone hated her', she was bullied, physically attacked, kicked, punched and insulted (words I didn't know) everyday at break times by a group of boys including her elder brother I remember. The majority, who didn't participate, including me, stayed well clear, didn't want to be associated with her. No idea what to do as it was in full view of teachers, etc. who did nothing. Never seen anything like it. It was brutal, scary and relentless. I'd forgotten but it came back to me as an adult and never left me. What did these boys picked on? Her home life must have been absolute hell too. What happened to her? I hope she's ok but really, what are her chances. (sorry didn't mean to derail but there it is)

She left me in the care of my alcoholic grandmother. Can still remember walking home with a stumbling incoherent woman and then watching same woman trying to close the curtains and falling beside the bed. I don’t blame my grandmother. I blame my mother. She didn’t protect me.

I’m so sorry that these absolutely awful things happened to you

My God the sadness on this thread and so many strong hearts.

@QueenieL1 I've had therapy on the NHS twice. I just asked and was referred, started within a month.

My mother said as I was the eldest I should know better I was 8 and it was something my brothers did.
I was beaten for it.
she threw hot tea over me
I was beaten regularly and she tried to keep me of school to clean her house but I’d rise at 6 and leave the house and take the beating that night. I’d rather that than be at home with her all day
there is many more things she did to me.
including sweeping my step father sexual assault on me under the carpet

I wanted her approval and it wasn’t forth coming at all but I wanted it non the less. It wasn’t till I married and had my first child I understood she was abusive.

I called her out on it and she totally denied it and I was delusional, I went LC after that and I was the bad one it was the 70s and 80s after all and it was chastisement not beatings. I eventually went NC.

It was the damn latter as I was black and blue but the school refused to do anything about it either. If she did that now we’d of been removed asap from her.

I still remember the phone call from my brother saying she’d had a stroke and I went she’s dead now then. I was right she died from it that night and felt nothing. Stepfather had died 12 years prior so was out of the picture.

My df was a police sergeant and we lived in a police house attached to the Police Station. There was just an internal door between our house and the Police Office. People used to knock on the house door if there was no one in the office.

Parents regularly went out with friends in the evenings leaving me alone, when I was in Years 6/7 ( so age 10/11 years old). I used to sit in the dark, scared that someone would come to the door! It was even worse if there was someone in the Police Station cells. I was terrified that the prisoner would get out of his cell and break the door down and attack me!

I can also remember that, if we had been on a day out, parents sometimes stopped at a hotel on the way home. I would be left sitting in the locked car, with strict instructions not to open windows, while they went in for a drink or 5! If I was really lucky they might bring me out a lemonade and a packet of crisps, but that was normally only if they had decided to get themselves a meal in the hotel.

This post made me cry. I really hope that you now have all of the love in your life that you deserve. Sending you a big hug.

It was hurtful but I don't think a one off like that is neglect. It's interesting: what's the difference between general shitty parenting and neglect?

Emotional neglect I remember a lot although I was always well fed, well dressed, clean and never hit or anything.
My mum did everything she was was supposed to do physically, but the love and care was always missing.
No hugs, kisses, telling me she loved me, no boosting my self esteem when I was being bullied etc... It was almost like she was scared of getting close to me.

I think my mum suffered from PND after I was born and really struggled to bond with me, she also suffered a late term miscarriage (19 weeks) when I was 2 and think she genuinely carried a lot of trauma herself.

After all that though we actually have a good relationship now, I do struggle with MH issues myself but I don't blame her anymore.

She's been an amazing grandmother to DD, actually couldn't wish for a better one.

I don’t remember it that young. She was always physical with me with slapping etc. But as I got older and needed her for the more mature stuff she was never ever there. I asked her about contraception when I was around 16, she called me a slag. I was also somewhat chubby as a kid and for some reason it bothered her so much she took me to slimming world aged 11. I ended up with an eating disorder in my late teens which transcended into binge eating disorder.

My father died, she made it all about her, I remember saying I hated seeing birthday cards that didn’t have his name in anymore and that it made me sad, she responded “how do you think I feel I had to see it happen”
Currently looking for a way out of an abusive relationship and she’s not the slightest bit interested or sympathetic.

I dunno if it’s narcissism or whether she’s just a bitch but all her unkind behaviour and comments only seem to apply to me. Hope everyone on this thread who doesn’t have the relationship with their mum that they would like, heals from any trauma and abuse. Lots of love

Thank you sweet x

@MyMumSaysALot I had this too. Mine would overreact constantly and fly off the handle over nothing so I started to lie. But she was obsessed with lies (still is) and acts like CID to prove you’re lying. But I was the same, absolutely petrified to tell the truth

It’s illegal to leave a child of that age home alone…FFS ….fires, accidents at home , burglaries! Who leaves an 8 year old child alone??? Anything happens to that child…you face prison and the child being taken into care.

She was Yr 8 so 13 not 8 years old. Personally I don't think that's neglect, not as a one off incident. Her younger siblings probably would have been upset to miss the wedding

My dad once purposely squashed me inbetween a door and the wall with full force.

YEAR 8. So age 12/13. Not 8 years old

I can also remember that, if we had been on a day out, parents sometimes stopped at a hotel on the way home. I would be left sitting in the locked car, with strict instructions not to open windows, while they went in for a drink or 5! If I was really lucky they might bring me out a lemonade and a packet of crisps, but that was normally only if they had decided to get themselves a meal in the hotel.

@Whoopy This was normal, wholesome parenting in 1980.

Mine was a really loving parent and still is but there are a few things that are ‘off’ that I only now realise as a grown up (and parent). I didn’t go to the dentist until I took myself aged 15 and now have massive dental problems. Diet as a kid not overly great, loads of sugar etc. Also, since my teen years she falls out with me quite a lot about weird things.. even now I’m 40 - it feels unstable like she could just disown me any minute. A lot of it I know is from her childhood trauma. I really rate the book about parents by Philippa Perry, helped me a lot.

The stories of those who mention mild or moderate neglect resonate. I never realised it was neglect and would always make excuses for my mother, but looking back now, it was neglect:
*I always had greasy hair as a young girl because she never thought to give me a bath unless I had visible dirt marks on me
*refusal to buy sanitary towels when I got my period age 10, asI should just use tampons like her (but I couldn't physically use them, being that young)
*never ever had a packed lunch
*never had breakfast
*spent whole afternoons wandering the streets as I was locked out of the house when my key broke off because the lock was so stiff, or if I forgot my key.
*didn't notice I skived school for over week in year 4, as I had to walk to school by myself from age 6 on and she only got home at 6pm.
*was sent on a two-week summer camp aged 7 by myself with much older children so she could go on holiday with her new boyfriend.
*didn't have my own underwear or clothes when I grew out of my kids clothes until age 14 or so when she started taking an interest in me again for a few years; I would 'borrow' my sister's clothes to go out and then quickly put them back into her wardrobe before she got home, otherwise I'd be told off.
*went on holiday for a week laving me home alone, aged 14, with my stepfather, who had tried to strangle her the previous week. Nothing happened, but why would you do that? I lived like a shadow that week.
*was typically picked up late from trips etc.

Then once I was an older teenager she simply lost interest and seemed to resent me being my own person.

She was caring and would fight for me in other ways; I can't understand her behaviour. She could be very generous on occasion but then neglectful in everyday matters. She didn't have any alcohol or substance abuse issues, but had a complicated relationship with her own mother.

I'm sorry to hear the treatment you experienced by allegedly the person that's supposed to care the most. If no one ever listened, I hear you. You're important, your narrative is important, that vulnerable / child / adult that felt the pain matters. You matter. It's hard to move forward but you must, focus on the meaningful relationships in your life. Try and make time for things you enjoy. Live your life, leave them and the toxic memories behind. Good luck and peace to all you gorgeous people x

You don't think leaving an ill 8 yo home alone while you go to a wedding is unusual?