Do remember neglect from your mother as a child?

[heartbroken22]

What was it?

I remember when I was in year 8 I had a really bad fever in bed and she just left me to go a wedding with my younger siblings. I honestly felt so sick and thought death was going to come, got up when I could and took some medicine. If I brought it up now she'd just find some shifty excuse to say ohh I didn't know how to be a mother then. What at 40 years old? It annoys me so much.

@Namechangepleas sorry to hear that, my dad did fucking weird awful shit like that too. What the fuck is wrong with people?

thank you.

i don’t want to sound mean or dismissive but please do wish to be something different. You can’t change your past. Your choice was what you believed was best for you to keep you safe as a child without the wisdom we now have as adults.

had my step father been sober I doubt I would’ve been be reckless to fight him back. It was because of his weakness, alcohol, that I could. I was reckless but I was a kid so god damn pissed off with adults and I had told adults what was happing and wasn’t believed, he smashed up houses and fought with police on occasion and ended up in prison.

i know now how easily it would’ve been to hit me in the wrong place, to make sure I didn’t talk, to injure me severely. I was just lucky. Not brave.

I remember waking up at 4 years old crying as I did most nights because I was scared of the dark. She wasn’t there. I was completely alone in the house whilst she went to see her ‘fella’. I was terrified. I also remember said fella dragging me up the stairs by my ankles at the same age as ‘punishment’ as she watched on. I remember her going to New York with another boyfriend whilst leaving me with a childminder. My dad was in Spain with my siblings but she refused to let me go with him as another punishment so everyone was on holiday except me. I remember her calling me a fu**ing bitch and hitting me over the head when I was 10 because I’d cried after moving house. I was sad, I wasn’t even complaining. That’s not even half of it, She ruined my childhood and has left me with a lot of issues in adulthood.

I had a friend in middle school who had this. Infact if you hadn't said recess (indicating I think you're American) then I would have thought it was her that was posting. It properly messed her up. She went almost completely mute. She just lived in her own head all the time trying to block out her mother. I'm friends with her on FB - haven't spoken to her in years but when her wedding photos came out, it was telling her mother wasn't in a single one of them. I heard she had a complete breakdown at University. I can totally understand that this is a form of abuse in itself.

Yes, I am American. That sort of parenting is, in my opinion, as destructive as any other abuse. It makes the child so treated totally unable to function as an adult. It took a LONG time, and two marriages to very controlling men, for me to break free. And I STILL will not date, or consider another marriage, because I do not trust my choices.

@garden12 As has now been said eleventy billion times in this thread, there is NO 8yo. She was in Yr8 at school so was 12/13yo. Maybe a one-off case of not brilliant parenting as a wedding was involved but it was very much an ok thing at the time, just not by todays different standards.

I’m not sure that this is neglect OP. A one off incident leaving a year 8 home alone sick to go to a wedding? If you were literally in a car accident and she left you in the hospital to go clubbing then okay, that would be shitty, but leaving a year 8 to take care of themselves at home with a cold/flu/diarrhoea type common bug, to go to a wedding is a bit different?

These all make me feel so sad 😔💔

I bet if a mum asked on a thread today what to do in this situation she'd be told to go to the wedding.

What should I do? My best friend is getting married tomorrow and invited me and my three kids. They've all been so excited to go but the eldest has come down with a sore throat and bad cold. She's 13 years old and pretty grown up for age. Would it be the worst thing to go to the wedding with the other younger kids and dose her up on lemsip? They're desperate to go. Whatever I do someone is going to feel let down

Im certainly not going to question someone elses experience as to whether it was neglect or not - it has clearly left a lasting impression and horrible memory for the OP.

My mother used to tell me I had nothing to complain about - I lived in a big house, I had clothes, I was taken on skiing holidays and beach holidays in france, I had the opportunity to experience things other kids didn't, foreign travel, hill walking, caving, horse riding...

I was 21 when a psychologist had to explain to me my mother and, to a lesser degree but mostly by simply ignoring it/absenting himself from it, my father, had abused me and neglected me.

Reading that back that seems so fucking stupid, like it seems absolutely insane that I did NOT tell anyone the things that were going on.

Refusing to let me wear a bra until secondary school wrote to her, multiple times to tell her that you could see my breasts and nipples through my shirt.

Refusing to buy clothes that fit, to shame me into losing weight (but she fed me, I had no access to food outside home/school, and there were dire consequences for not eating what you were given, including having it smashed in your face or being offered it meal after meal until it went off)...

Baths were once a week, they were for many people at some point but not in the 1990's. My school friends knew I smelled, I knew I smelled, but deodorant wasn't something she 'believed' in.

And yet sanitary wear was provided and she explained all about that very early on...

It was a baffling mix of good and absolutely fucking horrendous.

Smacking, not just the knickers down bottom smacks but the 'across the face' slaps, the smacks with a shiny leather slipper, and then the holding your face under the cold bathtap to stop the hysterical gulping and wailing...

That did stop when I got to 14, outweighed her and knocked her on her arse.

She just upped the emotional and mental stuff.

She was not equipped to be a parent, when she died I just felt relief and actually these days the anger I feel is to those adults around who MUST have known things weren't right, who could have and should have, given me the time and space to talk - and they didn't, because it was too hard, it wasn't their circus, wasn't their monkeys, you don't meddle.

If you see something. Say something. Please!

Gosh some of these stories are heartbreaking.

My mother tended to my basic needs but I never felt loved, never hugged, no one told me they were proud of me or generally wanted. She made me feel like I was less important to her than a particular kitchen implement she had that she was obsessed about not being broken and made me feel like breaking it would have been the worst thing in the world. It would even then have been readily available to buy if she had thought to contact the company and today, I could order one online, at a cost of £2.99 plus delivery. Fuck that’s upsetting.

My golden child brother broke things (hence the don’t break messages), was more argumentative and I was as quiet and compliant as possible so that I didn’t get hit by my parents, especially my father, who was rather heavy handed. My earliest memory of any abuse is being made to watch my father take a large whip to the dog because he had peed on the floor. I was still a toddler.

My father was always at work. My mother allowed my brother to emotionally and physically abuse me and was emotionally abusive herself. She allowed him to call me the most vile and demeaning names and including sexualised abuse. No touching but designed to make me feel like I was so ugly and totally irrelevant, as though I would never be wanted or attractive. So I threw myself at boys, looking for my knight in shining armour. When I had sex for the first time with someone I thought loved me, she stopped speaking to me. She knew. She monitored my periods and quizzed me when I was a couple of days late. I was 15.

She kind of attempted to defend me and punish my brother but he ended up making her nervous laugh and I had 2 abusers again, not one. I was relieved on the odd occasion when she went out as I could run to the neighbour for shelter from my brother but felt I couldn’t do the same from my mother. In contrast to others, whose parents were never there, she was omnipresent. She didn’t tell my father about any of this btw to save my brother taking a beating from my father.

My parents took me places and bought me great gifts, not necessarily what I wanted, but I would have given all of that up for the feeling I was loved and wanted. Puberty was pretty shit. She regularly ridiculed my desire for a bra as I apparently didn’t need one, citing herself wanting one as a child and someone making one for her. The cognitive dissonance. She begrudgingly bought me one and I had only that one until I bought the next myself at 16 or 17. Periods, I was expected to use a belt at a time when no other girls did. Getting changed for PE was excruciating and my friend took me to the newly opened Superdrug and helped me buy what I needed. I had to give my used pads to burn on the fire. Tissues and sanitary wear were treated like toxic waste. OCD maybe?

I never received any guidance. My opinions were never sought and I didn’t know my own mind. Rather like @Donttalkimcounting describes her friend’s mother’s voice in her head, I had the same… until I had therapy in my 40s. Mother’s voice basically told me what to do. So the choices I made were not necessarily my own or if they were, they weren’t necessarily the right ones as I didn’t know how to make basic decisions and would either spend hours trying to decide or not time at all (which led to much self flagelation) as I had not acquired this skill. Friends saved me just by little actions. Another friend told me to go to university and not stick around.

I was partially catatonic after my father died and would spend hours not moving sitting at the end of my bed until it was time to eat. Then I would eat as that was what I was supposed to do (compliance) and then return to the end of my bed. Not that this was noticed. I still struggle to say what I need and also had a massive breakdown at university. I was referred to a clinical psychologist and a lot of the therapy was to try and come to terms with my father’s death for in contrast to trying to help me through his death, my mother told me things about him to hurt me. At that point, I never even got to talk about the other aspects of my childhood.

I think the difference then would be intention. Op’s mother didn’t think to leave her dd fully equipped. You need a certain level of self awareness to even be here asking questions and I don’t think it likely she’d even be on here we’re MN available back then.

*were. Autocarrot.

I really think that depends how ill they are though. I was visiting my mum recently when she was ill and I didn't want to leave her side for more than a few minutes in the worst bits. Yes it was just a bug, no she wouldn't have died. Yes she's a grown up. But she was delirious, in distress and needed caring for. A high fever can make you feel awful. I just can't imagine prioritising an (important but ultimately still just a) social event over that whether they were an adult or a child.

OP wasn't 8 - they were year8. That's a big difference year 8 kids are 12/13 years old, a lot of people would leave them home alone when ill, expecting them just to sleep, snuggle on the sofa watching TV etc.

I feel just as betrayed by the other adults in my life during my childhood as I do by my actual parents, I really struggle with that, do you?

My parents were awful, but teachers had a moral and professional duty to notice the abuse and protect me. Instead they didn't like me because I was scruffy, dirty and quiet and ignored the bullying. My mother got me arrested when I was 14 for being 'out of control' (I'd just fought back and managed to land a blow - unacceptable) and the police sided with her, believed all her lies.

I just knew that I'd never be believed, and never tried to disclose anything. I really hope things are better now, but somehow I think not good enough.

As has already been pointed out, Year 8 children are 12/13 years old.

My dad thought I had done something wrong when I hadn't. He told me to go and pick a stinging nettle from the garden. I brought it back and he ran it up and down my arm. This is still with me 40 years later.

As a parent now I cannot imagine why on earth he would want to do that.

Another form of neglect is babying teenagers to the point that when they are 18 and should be able to live away from home and have their own lives they don't have the coping skills. I honestly wonder what some people expect to happen overnight at 18 when they never leave their teens home alone.

I'd agree that unless they need to be hospitalised a teenager should be able to cope alone for a bit while ill.

OP had the flu and a bad fever. Why rewrite it as a bit poorly and a sore throat? Just to suit your narrative?

I don't think age 11 is too young to learn about human/animal rights.

@dragonfly16 my daughter has asthma and I just can't believe what I'm reading. I'm so so sorry you went through this. I hope you've managed to build a loving and supportive family/community around you as an adult and have all the love and care you deserve

These stories are so sad. Flowers 💐 and chocolate🍫 and hugs to you brave souks.

Thinking about my own experiences, I had a win yesterday. I was looking through those video memory things your phone automatically makes. DC was sitting next to me and kept asking if there was one of just the two of us. I managed to find one. As he watched it, he had the biggest, soppy smile on his face. You could feel the love seeing us together.

That’s when I finally truly realised - I am NOT HER.

It was proof I did and am doing an OK job as a mother and is the sweetest revenge imaginable.

When I look at photos of my childhood, all I see is the memory of painful events on that particular day. I am rarely smiling and the expression on my face if she is in the picture says it all.

*brave souls not souks

@WiddlinDiddlin

'She was not equipped to be a parent, when she died I just felt relief and actually these days the anger I feel is to those adults around who MUST have known things weren't right, who could have and should have, given me the time and space to talk - and they didn't, because it was too hard, it wasn't their circus, wasn't their monkeys, you don't meddle.

If you see something. Say something. Please!'

This resonates with me so much. And I bet there are plenty of people on this thread who feel the same way.