Has anyone tried the "£5 in a card" thing for DC's birthday party?

[astronewt]

8th birthday party approaches for DC, and I was thinking about messaging the attendees to suggest that, instead of presents, they could do £5 or an Amazon voucher or whatever in a card. I normally spend about £10-12 on a present for a party we're invited to, which seems to be about what other attendees spend too, so to my mind it would have the triple benefit of easing financial challenges on attendees, preventing piles of cheap tat, and allowing DC to choose one larger toy they like. Rest assured I will also make it clear that any gift at all is 100% optional.

I'm sure MN will have Opinions on the matter, though, so hit me up. Have you tried it? Would you try it? Did you just mentally cross me off your Christmas card list and clutch the pearls?

I think you just say nothing about gifts unless specifically asked and if/when you are then you explain that your kid is saving up for a particular thing and a contribution to that would be great, but still give them a few clues for actual physical presents as well.

Personally I'd love to be told to give a fiver in a card but reading this thread it's very clear that a goodly portion of other parents don't feel the same way, so it could definitely cause issue if you stated it on the invitation.

Its total cringe.

Just say "please don't feel obliged to bring a present, if your child can make it that will be more than enough 😊" or similar.

If it is indeed all about not wanting to put pressure on people to bring a gift of course.....

I'd think thank goodness for that, if somebody included this on the invitation!

I find this thread really interesting because where I live £5 in a card is the normal thing to do. I've never ever brought a present for any child's party both my children went to, I wonder if it's down to where you live how you view the etiquette of childrens parties and gifts?

Frankly, I think if this thread shows anything it's that you'll never please everyone on the topic of gift etiquette.

For heaven's sake, how is it 'grabby' when the OP has gone out of her way to say she'll be making it clear that any gift at all is 100% optional.?

I think 'no need to bring a gift but if you would like to give something, a little cash in a card would be lovely present' would be fine. I'd never be offended if I got an invite like that.

True, so just do what you want here.
Sounds like you and the other parent proposing vouchers could start a new gift trend.

Round here the party etiquette is a coin (usually £2) in the piggy bank. Children only exchange cards, adults do the money and it’s accepted that some put a coin in and some won’t.

It started after a big local factory went bust unexpectedly so a good number of people hadn’t been paid. A woman wanted people to still bring their kids to her child’s party even if they couldn’t afford a present, but knew people wouldn’t unless no-one knew who did and didn’t give a gift. It’s stuck from there.

The kids all love it as they always end up with at least £20 cash to go to the bank or toy shop with.

Indeed, so probably best to just leave it to the potential gift-giver to decide, no right or wrong then 😊

I’d find it really rude if I got an invite asking for a specific amount of cash.

I think you’d be ok saying that your daughter doesn’t need any gifts this year, but if people want to get her anything she is saving up for a special toy and would be grateful for a small contribution.

Whenever my two were invited to parties I always got in touch with the parent to ask about gifts.

I offered to contribute to something that there were perhaps saving for or buy a voucher. I loved it when people said yes.

You know your local situation best. Conversations perhaps better than notes.

You can't specify that you want money, especially if you're asking for a set amount. That's a bit cheeky.

Maybe say "no need to bring a gift" (but worded better) on the invite. Some people will take the hint and give money, others will not bring anything and others will still bring a gift.

If anyone asks to your face say "he doesn't want anything really. He's saving up for x".

bloody hell, wtf, what is the age of that kid?? he is super rude and I think their parent is not a good person too. that how they raise their kids.

stay away from that family.

you did not do any things wrong. hugs

as a gift, if money is tight, I think maybe just buy a book, £1 or £2 is fine.

I totally see where you’re coming from. I find it stressful buying gifts for children’s parties, especially when I don’t really know them. I always feel like it’s a bit of a waste, that they’re just destined for the bin soon anyway? I feel the same about tat in party bags too but that’s for another thread

so yeah I completely understand you on this, although very hard to know how to word it. I don’t think there is a way to word it without sounding grabby? I think you’ll just have to say “don’t worry about gifts”.

my eldest’s party is soon and we live in a small place, I do worry about coming home with a lot of toys/potential junk - It’s a waste of the ofhef parents money that. I don’t want them to waste. So yeah I might emphasise no gifts and if they want to give cash then that’s up to them x

This!!! ❤️

I would not do this because

1. I have quite a few spare presents around (duplicate gifts, freebies etc.)
2. My children usually like to be involved in choosing gifts for their closer friends. It's nice to try to get something that is really in tune with the child's interests etc.
3. I think it's rude to mention anything about presents in any kind of invitation.

@happyfishcoco it was the mum who said that, not the kid!

Exactly this

I’d do it. It’s basically the norm in our primary school now and so much better than giving out tat. I used keep a stash of pre purchased gifts but once the youngest got to about 8, and the pandemic hit, a5er in a card is basically standard. And cheaper.

I think this mostly shows we all have too much stuff.

We don't value other people's gifts because it's not what we would have chosen to spend the money on .

One person's 'tat' is another's treasure.

Parents don't like 'other people' choosing items for their children - they of course only buy 'carefully curated' items.

Adults expect children to act as though they are grateful and gracious whilst this thread shows their parents are often seething and resentful at the poor return on their birthday party output of cash.

I didnt say 'fictional' anywhere, I completely believe people are bad with money.

The point you made was you couldnt afford to buy a £2 gift when your already at the shop and see it in a sale but you CAN afford to pay 60% more to put money in a card at the very last minute.

Whats in your town is neither here nor there.

Thats not financial circumstances that simply poor planning and future foresight.

I'm among the lowest earners in the country by the way I have never even made over £12k a year (never even managed to hit the tax bracket) when I was a single income household and I manage this concept absoloutly fine but absoloutly couldnt afford to be throwing £5 in cards willy nilly lol.

Very grabby. If you did this I would just bring my usual gift of sticker book or colouring book which sets me back around £2.50. not everyone can afford £5.

Great. I'd be very happy with that.

If people are struggling to afford any gift at all but feel obliged, I'd like to make it clear that they can genuinely bring nothing.
If people already have a gift from their cupboard or whatever, they can give it.
If people want to give something but the typical budget around here is stretching them, I'd like to make it clear that they don't have to spend that much or give at all.
If people can afford that much but are stressed identifying and wrapping a toy and all that faff, I'd like to give them a cheaper, easier, more environmentally friendly option.

I wasn’t already at the shop! I didn’t see a toy in the sale!

If I did see something nice for that price, I would
be buying it out of the budget I have and keeping it for my own children, not for a birthday party they may or may not be invited to in the future. Rightly or wrongly, I don’t plan on things for other peoples children.

And I am not bad with money. We just don’t earn much and had a series of bad luck with illness and redundancy that set us back over the last 3 years.

And I don’t throw £5 in a card willy nilly. I’ve done it a few times over 20 years of being a parent and have had a bad reaction once.

Christ - when I post on mumsnet and I almost always attract the one person who is like a dog with a bone. If only I could monetise that 😂

What I always did was ask when RSVPing what the kid would like.

I'd get responses like 'oh he's really into Lego/Ben 10/ballet/trucks at the moment' or 'oh tbh she's saving up for a bike, so she'd probably love a couple of quid in a card.'

Sorted!

If I got a woollier answer then I'd have a look in the present drawer - which contained duplicates or unwanted presents to re-gift, plus occasionally things I'd picked up on offer when buying for another party. If it happened to contain something that looked like it would go down well, great, if not, 5er in a card.

I decided early on that I was NOT traipsing round Hamleys interrogating my own dc as to what Jack or Molly wanted. They usually either said 'dunno' or just fixed on something they'd have loved, anyway!

I worked out that there was always a chance of irritating someone whatever I did - as this thread shows - so no pount agonising over it.

Not sure if actually giving the heads up as to what your own kid would like is rude or helpful. Again, I liked to be told what to get, so just said in the invitation 'no gifts needed, but if you want to give something, she loves & is also saving up for '. People could then do what they liked with that information (including being offended & thinking I was a CFer...🤷🏻‍♀️).