Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

I also wouldnt focus on language used. A child minder, or nursery staff, teachers can't put their hands on a child in the way a kindly parent might eg pulling away. So maybe try to find a joint plan with next child minder.

OP, does he pull your hair?
My DD did this but a bit younger, especially if I had something in my hand and she was on my lap. I would immediately react and say ouch! Then walk away, taking the thing she wanted with me, and say ‘I don’t want to sit near someone who hurts me.’

I’d then turn and start doing something completely different without her. She would be sad at the lack of attention and run after me. I’d get down on her level and say something like ‘are you going to pull my hair? It hurts when you pull hair. I don’t want to be hurt. I won’t play with you if you hurt me.’

I think it helped that we didn’t have another kid at home so I didn’t bother diverting her- I let her grab my hair, then gave the reaction. So she could see over and over with me the action, pulling hair, and consequence, I walk away and take the toy with me, so she loses both toy and attention.

How is your son's language (both understanding of others and expressing himself)? And his eye contact?

Does he show other signs of impulsive behaviour or is it only limited to hair pulling to get the toy he wants?

Do you have any ADHD, autism or other neurodiversity in your family that you know of?

I can assure you, having been a childminder for 10 years, children ALWAYS behave better with the cm.
The suggestions of a nursery, whilst well intentioned, will not necessarily help the situation. Nursery's work with a higher ratio of staff to children, so he will actually have less supervision, not more.
Removing him from one childcare setting and putting him into another one is also likely to exacerbate the behaviour.
I'd suggest you request a meeting with your cm, and come up with strategies for dealing with his behaviour.

When dd was 2 she went through a stage of hitting. She wasn't really getting it when we told her off. I don't think she understood it hurt or what we were saying. She found it funny.
We had a travel cot in the front room.so as soon as she hit I immediately put her in the travel cot for a minute and walked away. (She could still see me.) It worked immediately where telling off/explaining hadn't as she was too young. She's 18 and at uni now, so it's probably unfashionable to do that now, but it worked well and did no harm. It was the only time I did a time out sort of thing.

What I was going to suggest!

OP how does your partner, deal with the hair pulling?

Is it potentially that this is falling on you to discipline, and the other adult is turning a blind eye? Are you both on board and consistent?

And posters saying "it's ok it's normal" it really really isn't ok or normal, it happens yes but it should be nipped in the bud in a matter of days maximum.

One of my kids had difficult behaviour and what I found out was people who spoke negatively about them didn't have strategies to combat it and would give up when things got tough. Their first childminder said her own children were similar when young so she understood but she couldn't afford to let other parents be upset that their child got hurt.

Not everyone is the same. You need to find a "can do" positive type who is willing to work with you and for your child. They do exist and they can handle issues like this. I'd start looking for another childminder if I were you. The language used by your current minder indicates a negative mindset.

You say “he’s a sweet boy”, but clearly that is not how other children are experiencing him. You need to take more action at home to correct this behaviour. Put yourself in the shoes of the parents of the children who are afraid of your son and in their children’s shoes. Also, the sort of behaviour your son is exhibiting succeeds in getting what the child wants (in the short term) and that result is very reinforcing. Therefore, if you don’t address it effectively now, it may well get much worse.

'it really isn't ok or normal' when a two year old pulls hair , and yet you suggest that to deal with it, an adult should pull a two year old's hair ?!

If someone says something that is racist then they ARE racist.

There was someone on this thread that suggested putting him with a nursery/childminder that takes them out a lot.

I think that's a really good suggestion. Our current childminder doesn't really take the children for walks. In the summer they use their
garden, but not so much in winter. Although it is definitely not an excuse for my son's behaviour, I think it does frustrate the children being stuck in a house all day with lots of other kids.

When I take my children outside, they are so much more relaxed and calmer. I think it's the same for adults - I immediately feel better when I go for a walk.

I was going to recommend this too!

@rzk I am not sure how I am responsible for his behaviour?

Wait, whaaaat?! You're his parent! Of course you're responsible for his behaviour! Jesus Christ on a unicycle.

Don’t be ridiculous. Someone can use a clumsy phrase without Ill-intention or prejudice. It can simply be a product of ignorance, or cultural differences.

Racism is about impact, not intent. POC are harmed whether a phrase is uttered in malice or in ignorance. Anyone who ignores that and witters on about ‘clumsy phrases’ isn’t cognisant of the realities of racism.

If your CM is not keeping them sufficiently active then you will definitely have more problems with behaviour.

Try a nursery, they will often be better equipped to deal with this type of behaviour.

It has been explained many times that OP was referring to being able to stop him pulling hair at the child minders AT THE TIME. As in she's not able to physically prevent it as it happens because she's not there.

There is very little that a child of two years and three months can carry over from home to a different context when it comes to behaviours like this. OP is doing what she can at home, but he has not yet got the cognition to understand the why's and the consequences.

These behaviours are very difficult to stop until the child had matured enough to communicate in a different way. That might be in just a matter of weeks, but that doesn't make the present any easier to deal with. OP recognises that the behaviour is unacceptable, she's doing what she can at home and she's asking for advice. But people are willfully misinterpreting the words she's used she they can pile on.

Ah, there we go. Thought as much.

I don't think she's asking you to remote control your child. She may be looking for a discussion about how you manage behaviour at home, how she is managing it in her setting, anything you could both change to try to stop the hair pulling which is obviously causing both of you problems.

Or she may be venting after a difficult day. Which could be seen as unprofessional, or could be seen as treating you as a friend/partner in bringing up a child she's spending a lot of time with. Which of those it comes across as would really depend to me on the rest of the relationship and whether I thought she was good at her job.

Get a new childminder. I would be furious and upset if I was that little girls mum.

You are being incredibly precious about your child's behaviour being criticised considering he (apparently regularly) hurts other children.

"if your going to pull hair, you will need to come play in x area till your ready to be nicer to your friends. Pulling hair hurts" Rinse and repeat. Child whos pulling hair goes to another area and has some time with toys over there keeping the other children safe

Your childminders choice of words isn’t ideal but tbh I wouldn’t be impressed if my child had his hair pulled by another child at daycare, without the childcare providers notifying the other parent.

How would you direct the staff to discipline your child?

It's a pattern of behaviour now, not a one off, so you need to get to the bottom of why it's happening and give your child some alternative coping strategies. Address the behaviour with them in ordinary time, when they are not misbehaving. When you are both calm and relaxed, chatting about your day. Help them understand what they are feeling. 'At the childminder's today you pulled Alice's hair. Why was that?' And if no answer make suggestions.' Were you feeling angry? Did you want the toy for yourself? Etc Then when you get to the right answer, affirm and validate the feeling. 'It can be very hard to share toys you like, I understand.' Then explain why the behaviour is a problem. 'But when you pull hair it hurts.' Encourage empathy. 'How do you think Alice felt when you pulled her hair?' Name the feelings. When they are showing empathy, get them to brainstorm a better strategy. 'Next time, maybe you could use your words to tell Alice you would like to have a turn playing with the toy'. Then, before you go to childminders in the morning, reinforce the behaviour you want to see. 'So today remember no hair pulling, if you want a toy ask the childminder'. Then tell childminder so that you are following a joint strategy. If this doesn't work you create and enforce a consequence - toy is taken away etc.

He needs more than telling off, he needs discipline. Short and immediate: naughty step, removal of toys, taking him out of the family room.