Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

It's always about toys - when he wants a certain toy or if any children are getting to close to the toys he's playing with

So you need to work on teaching him how to share, and how to use words instead of hurting other children. The words can be just ‘Please’ and ‘no’. Teach him when he needs to say them and enforce it at home. Tell the childminder your strategy and ask them to reinforce it as well.

Your childminder sounds exasperated with him so I'd look elsewhere. I would be horrified if my child were afraid of another child, but I would blame the childminder. Doesn't sound like she has this under control so it's obviously not a good fit.

'At the childminder's today you pulled Alice's hair. Why was that?'
2 year olds do not remember or at least cannot tell everything that happened during the day, let alone remember their feelings.
Even 3 year old do not. They can say "yesterday" about events that took place happened a few months ago.
OP needs a more professional childcare. Perhaps, nursery. Her DS will get his hair pulled, bitten etc but they will not threaten to give her notice.

At one point my DS was coming home with traces of bites on his hands every day but nursery staff refused to admit that they had children who bit.
At another point the nursery staff complained that my DS was calling other children using a French word (not a nice one). We do not speak French at home. He once tried that word we simply did not understand what it meant so he got no reaction from us and stopped using at home.
There were quite a few French children in our nursery last year. They have not left so my DS forgot his French.

A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him.

Sounds like the very definition of a monster to me.

But what are you doing, getting hung up on the words used, when the behaviour of your toddler is so concerning? He is traumatising other children. And yes, his behaviour is your responsibility to sort out, as the actual parent.

Sounds like a lot of PP have not seen 2 year old children for many years.

Her choice of word isn't great but her point is valid. Other children being scared of him is awful. You are totally responsible for his behaviour as he is 2! Your strategies for managing this at home are not working as he continues to do it. The discipline routine needs to be consistent across home and childcare so I'd assess whether you want your sone placed there and if so, come up with a strategy that can be utilised in both environments. My sense id that she will ask you to withdraw your child though as there will be many easier children out there to care for.

This is how I talk to my daughter who is 2 years and 4 months old. If he pulls hair often and is told off for it often he will be able to remember and talk about it.

Telling off isn’t ever going to work with a 2yo. They might understand an angry tone of voice, but if they hear that too frequently it won’t have an impact. And most people overestimate how much small children understand language. A sentence which seems simple to adults “if you do X, I will do Y” is actually quite complicated for a toddler. They’d need a concept of X, a concept of Y and another concept that two things can be linked in a sequential manner. At 2yo the majority just don’t have even one of those concepts properly yet.

Have you tried an immediate consequence? Ideally with an incredibly simple sentence or two. Eg “that hurt me. I don’t want to play now” and a (small) separation, such as sitting on the couch while you continue with whatever activity in the same room. It isn’t the language that’s important (though it will be later on), the thing you are teaching is the single concept that actions have consequences. They get the idea that “X causes Y” even though they don’t have (or understand) the language which explains the idea. It modifies behaviour as long as Y is an undesirable thing (such as lack of attention).

I have one now. Unlike the OP though I’d not dream of claiming that I bear no responsibility for their behaviour when they are not with me.

That's rather snide. If they've not "seen 2 year old children for many years", that must be because they are older and therefore clueless? Is that what you are suggesting? Because if they are older, than they have seen many many rounds of 2 year old children, of their own, and their grandchildren, their neices and nephews, of all their friends who went on to have two year old children in different decades and phases of their lives. I would think those PP would have more experience of 2 year old children than a first time parent, actually. HTH.

You seen unable to accept any responsibility OP.

So when your kid goes to school and misbehaves and you're called in at parents evening, will the 'I'm not there, not my responsibility / problem' attitude continue?

Or the teacher rings you as your sons been in a fight. Will you still reply then with 'It's your job to discipline him?'

Cracking attitude to parting right there.

Completely this. I remember as a child (and this really shows my age), some shops (mum and dad types) had signs in the window saying: No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish!

My dad used to say that at least we (POC) are above the dogs! @CloudybutMild are you white? Or white presenting/passing?

What @RishisProudMum says is completely right! I remember Enoch Powell and his rivers of blood speech.

If you really think racism is just clumsy phrases, please google this speech. Tell me how you would feel being the only non-white kid at school. Never being invited to parties, given Christmas cards, people can’t pronounce your (actually very beautiful) ethnic name.

On a lighter note, someone called me as an aftersales person a couple of months and said she loved my name, her daughter was pregnant with a girl and would I mind her using my name! My name is very unusual (like literally no one on FB has the same name!) and very very old. I was a bit taken aback and not sure what to say. When the Queen’s nickname was used, allegedly without her permission, I understood how she might have felt!

If your 2yr old behaves like this, then you're as clueless as the OP. I've had four two year olds and none have behaved like this as I know how to parent. It pisses me off hoe many people have kids and don't attempt to learn the basics of parenting.

You need to look for another placement asap as you will likely be given notice soon, as otherwise they other parents will be withdrawing their kids so easier to get rid of the one problem that lose the others, that’s the reality. I’d try a nursery with multiple staff so he can be shadowed with his interactions with other kids so he can’t actually do it but is caught as he is about to tbh. It won’t work 100% of the time but probably a lot more than now so they won’t have the problem of all the other kids leaving.

My da went through a stage of biting. I tried everything and in the end bit him very very gently and he reacted the same way as yours. But he got it! Never bit me or anyone again.

they don’t know this hurts. To this ds he found a system that worked

You're being a bit sensitive. It's hardly the worst thing to say.
I'd be explaining to him that if he behaves like that at the childminders, you will find out and you will punish him when he gets home.
Tell him and actually go through it. Two year olds can understand this.
Deal with it before you lose your place.

I understand the word monster has thrown you for a loop. But imagine the situation being your son was the one terrified. I know someone in a similar situation. Even family has banned her and her son from their houses. Nursery and now school. Through it all she claims she can't help it if she's not there. Now her son feels the sadness of not being invited to parties not being welcome anywhere. Don't be that parent.

You’ve had some good advice which is hopefully helpful, as it doesn’t seem like what you’re doing at home to address the hair-pulling is working - since it isn’t dissuading him from doing it at all.

If he’s doing it to get toys - or stop people taking his toy - then the toy probably needs to be removed each time he pulls hair.

We always went down the route of giving lots of attention and recognition of good behaviour, and ignoring / not giving any attention to bad behaviour. Along with that - clear boundaries and expectations, consistency, and explaining why we were making particular decisions about things to them worked really well for us.

Bad behaviour was minimal - which probably says a lot more about my kids’ natural disposition, than it does about our parenting skills, TBH.

Mine is fascinated with my hair. I put my hair up so it's not as easy to grab, but DC shrieks happily given the opportunity to touch my hair; pull it; or pull it out of a bun. I can relate to you situation. It is a phase. I'd recommend a chat with nursery to develop a plan about how to handle it that would satisfy both sides. It's possible they're not intervening in a timely or consistent manner; overreacting or trying to correct the behaviour inappropriately for your child. Patience and consistency are key, otherwise your child will just be confused and not learn what is appropriate.
Find out what nursery does and try to be open minded.

raisingchildren.net.au/babies/behaviour/common-concerns/biting-pinching-hair-pulling

Well by the sounds of it he has been a monster. Toughen up love

I think it’s time to really look at his behaviour and I’ve just been through a similar thing - private childcare concerned with biting and behaviour at nursery.

The only thing that got through to my son was a naughty step. He hated being separated and sitting there. Explain calmly and short why he’s been out there (he’ll likely be screaming) and don’t go back in till he’s calmed down. Then I’m pretty clear what was wrong and ask for him to say sorry and a hug. It’s really hard but you’ve got this!

Before he goes to childcare remind him ‘no pull hair’ and get him to repeat it.

My son also has a little sister and we really used to encourage and praise when he was gentle with her. Now he’s so sweet and before he used to push her and bite. Now he’s much better and hugs her all day. I believe it’s around this age when they learn empathy and this really has to start at home - be super over the top and just really encourage this.

I think what’s worked for us in the year and he’s now 3; is really just praised the better behaviour and I would reward him with cheap stickers to play with and I got a cheap sticker chart from Amazon so he’d feel rewarded when he was good. My husband cut down rough housing with him as I think he would try do this at nursery. I had to work on my own anger and stop saying no and shouting - this meant my son stopped copying my behaviour.

You may have to find another child minder but I’d really just go full throttle this weekend and try and turn it around. The childminder should work with you really.

No. I’ve got a 2 year old. I’ve also got three other children who I can remember being 2 too.

I would have been horrified if their caregivers had ever told me that other children were walking into a room, seeing them and becoming upset. That’s the issue here. Not the childminder describing the child’s behaviour as ‘monster’. OP seems more concerned about the CM’s word choice and her “sweet” son rather than the children getting hurt.

It sounds like he’d be better in a different setting, are there any other options? Nurseries or even an in-home nanny? The CM has suggested “harsher punishment”, did she say what this would entail? Positive reinforcement, when done properly, is absolutely amazing. I’m not sure the CM would be willing to explore this avenue though as it seems she’s at the end of her tether. At 2, it’s definitely not too late to nip this in the bud. 2 year olds understand far more than we think too. Also, maybe speak to a health visitor if you’re able to (if yours is any good, I know they’re hit and miss)?

OP I really think you are worrying about the wrong issue here! Your child's behaviour is more concerning than the words the cm uses - and anyway, lots of people talk about children being monsters, getting upset about it is ridiculous.

OP if you come back to this thread and do some reviewing you'll see lots of people have expressed the belief that as parents, we are always responsible for our very young children, followed by you saying multiple times you are not responsible for his behaviour when at the child minder. Whatever he does there,, is her problem then?

I'm not sure if this is a difference of opinion in terms of what "responsible" means but I'd think about how many people said it if I were you. And I am also +1 that we are responsible for our young children, always. Our parenting responsibilities don't vanish when someone else is looking after our children. We have to take on board everything they do, and try and help them adjust behaviours if necessary by working on it at home, with the child minder and so on. You seem to be thinking she called him a monster for stuff he was doing when with her, so it's her fault...

And like many others, I find it really a bit concerning that you are so focused on her telling you how your son's behaviour was bad, using the word "monster" but not focused on the fact that another child was so frightened of him that she screamed when she saw him.

If you find another childcare for him, I'd be a bit wary of the same thing happening again if you persist with this belief that when you drop him off his behaviour is 100% the other person's problem, meaning everything he does is her/their problem and not yours...

If I were a parent of the kids on the receiving end of your son's behaviours, I'd be hoping the child minder was about to let you go...

You didn't put this on AIBU but I still think YABU. Sorry!

I think you've had lots of good tips on here - I'd just add that a bit of introspection might be in order.

She didn't call him a monster.

She said he'd been a little monster - describing his behaviour.

He has been. Other kids are scared of him. The childminder has a number of children and can't always be watching yours to prevent him being unkind.

I'd look at a local nursery ready for if the childminder needs to withdraw the placement.