Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

Does removal of privileges work when a child has just turned 2?

I think you need to go strong with the kind and gentle hands message when everything is going well. Some nice story books about playing kindly together and sharing, we liked the Busy Friends book at this age.

Stern and loud NO and removal if he pulls hair (I can see you're doing this already) and removing him from the room. I would arrange to speak to the childminder and come up with a plan together so you're both consistent.

Are people remembering that he's only 2?

What difference does that make to the children he hurts?

It sounds as though it’s behind that stage now, and the minder is likely to be letting the OP’s child go as soon as she’s lined up a replacement (if not before.)

Of course two year-olds can have behaviour issues, but it’s really not normal for a parent to try to claim that dealing with them are not her responsibility as is the case here. If she were taking the job of parenting more seriously then perhaps the minder would work through it with her, but as she’s blaming the minder, what’s the point of her doing anything but stopping the child attending?

I'm not saying she should accuse her of breaking the ratios. I'm saying she should check the childminder isn't looking after too many children. I would have thought that any childminder worth their salt can handle a hair pulling 2 year old.

And the OP has made it very clear she knows she has to put the work in!

No! It's never too early to teach a child not to hurt others. Nobody's saying the problem is solved easily and immediately, were saying you have to put the work in.

I'm.not seeing anything that says OP isn't putting the work in. She's not ignoring the behaviour, she's not being weak or soft on her response to him doing it. Sites taking it seriously (ffs, she doesn't want her other child hurt either).

I'm not sure why OP is getting such a pile on. Yes, the way monster was used wasn't an issue. But people are posting as if OP is doing nothing about the behaviour and that's not the case.

What? I'm not suggesting he should hurt other kids. Just that reward charts/removal of privileges/ all that formal discipline DOES NOT WORK with 2 year olds.

There's absolutely nothing to say she can't "handle" him, more that other children are scared of him and she, rightly, has a responsibility for them too.

It's just deflection. I can't be arsed to teach my child right from wrong, but you can't handle him so your ratios must be wrong. No.

I'm not sure she has, she's repeatedly said it's not her problem essentially.

Because she's said it's not her responsibility. It absolutely is.

SHe has said lots of times they tell him off sternly and move him away. Which is how you handle 2 year olds. She also says 'I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to stop two year olds pulling hair'.

I would start to look elsewhere now before the childminder gives notice. I agree with others he may be better in nursery.

Yes, but it's not working for him is it?

And yes, she's asked for advice but then said it's not her responsibility how he behaves whilst there. There's no two ways about it, that's wrong.

How about where she says that his behaviour is not her responsibility, or that she doesn’t care for him at home?

I also think saying that she doesn’t pull his hair is quite concerning. What sort of parent feels the need to specify that?

😂😂😂 I think some people are bored and are just on this thread to argue and twist words.

Thanks to everyone who has given me constructive advice, I definitely have taken it on board.

Quoting you: Nobody's saying the problem is solved easily and immediately, were saying you have to put the work in.

It doesn't work immediately. As for not taking responsibility obviously I am not the OP but I'm guessing she means that SHE is getting told off for her 2 year old's misbehaviour during the day, which although she is trying to address at home, she has no way of directly controlling his behaviour AS IT HAPPENS THROUGHOUT THE DAY. Which she doesn't.

I'm going now though because I'm getting far too irritated at somebody else being attacked for crimes that others are perceiving because they are either not reading properly or have forgotten/no experience of disciplining 2 year olds.

You literally said it's not your responsibility. There is no twisting of words needed, you said it!

I read it that the op was saying she can't control how he behaves when he is not in her care. Which is true isn't it. She can't make a two year old behave a certain way if she is not with him.

big hugs OP

2 year olds can be a total pain in the arse and it’s really stressful when you’re doing your best. I agree maybe look for a nursery.

She's not being told off, she's being informed of a problem. The childminder has a duty to inform her. I've agreed she cannot control the behaviour in that moment, but she can look to control the wider problem.

I do have experience of "disciplining" two year olds as it happens!

Lots of good advice on here about how to handle it but I just wanted to say my youngest went through a terrible stage of biting when he was around 2. It was awful! He bit quite a few of the kids at nursery.

I was mortified when I’d pick him up and they’d say they’d had an incident with him biting.

They managed it really well, they assured me that lots of children go through these stages and it’s quite normal to an extent.

No real advice as we simply disciplined each time, spoke about being kind and not hurting people etc. The phase passed in around 2-3 months. Never done it again since.

It is likely a stage which will pass quickly - doesn’t stop it happening but hopefully you won’t have to manage it for too long.

My grandma did this when DD went through a biting phase.

Yes, my grandma! Still active and involved with her great grandchild, so obviously things were done somewhat differently in her day. She is a wonderful, loving and gentle person but when DD bit her, she bit her back. Just enough to make her realise it’s not a nice thing. Then she held her hand gently and explained that with words, telling her now you didn’t like it when I did it either, so let’s both stop biting.

Empathy and sympathy with you ... find another childminder

Seems to me that the childminder was frustrated and maybe looking to agree with you as to what steps it was ok to take to discipline him in this situation.

I had one boisterous one and I used to firmly say no, at eye level, like you might to a puppy(!) then remove toddler to a travel cot in another room for 1/2 minutes. They do eventually get the idea. They must never, ever get the toy they have been fighting for. I don't know it's probably out of date now, but it was calm but firm, and it worked.

This is a bit of a random suggestion I know, but if you do look at switching childcare I'd try and find an outdoor/forest school type nursery, maybe Waldorf or similar. I find that little ones' behaviour is often so much better out of doors.

I don’t think monster is too bad; we use the teach your little monster to read app. His behaviour sounds awful though. We have all been there at some point our children lash out it’s a phase. Childminders are poorly paid and are juggling multiple kids though. Perhaps she doesn’t have the time to follow your dc around to prevent incidents.

Id remove and put him in a larger setting like a nursery.

I would be quite concerned about repetitive behaviour like this, it tells me that the childminder is not coping and also it’s worth looking at how you are managing him at home - there are triggers before a behaviour and sounds like this pulling hair has been ‘set’ and being told off isn’t doing anything.

If I were you I’d get a new childminder who can cope better. And I’d also redirect and not leave him with toys that he feels are ‘his’ near a child who can grab them. He’s too young to know how to share. Keep them physically apart even if it’s using barriers and only put some toys out at a time. Spend a lot more time with him as fustration will make him worse, and he might also be bored and irritated by others. He might need more time outside to run around, some structured tv time just for him, time to have snacks and different activities. It all helps to avoid a big pile of toys and two kids too young to be able to cope with self directed play for very long together.