Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

A small setting like that might not be the best place for him. She's obviously struggling to manage his behaviour and balance it with her other charges when it's just her. Maybe a nursery would suit him better? And would mean he was generally with kids his own age so not at risk of hurting babies, etc.

Sometimes people aren't great with choice of words. Being a little monster, I've heard that said. Your child was a monster - yes I wouldn't like that. I also would not like other children feeling scared of my child. You are sensible to be asking for advice on how to discipline him. I tend to find these things help me.

Ignoring the smaller things and then praising the siblings (or other children) when they do good and saying name welldone, you did xyz, look at how good you're being, can we all do what name is doing? They start to realise you only get the positive attention by being good and being naughty equals no attention.

Or....when the behaviour is very bad (not low level challenges) which this requires an address and age appropriate consequence, definitely never a smack:

Eye level (no looming over) and stern voice but not raised or shouting, it's not nice to hit your brother, now he's sad, he doesn't like it, I want you to say sorry and give him a hug. I used to follow through with a consequence like the toy car is going ontop of the fridge and it comes down the following day for a fresh start. Being clear on why it's being confiscated.

Sticker charts worked for us too. Some disagree with their use.
Reflection - sitting down to think about what we did, it acted as a distraction but not a deterrent. Many don't like the naughty step. I wasn't a fan.

Also being consistent. Not letting any of the big things slide. And what worked best was lots of praise for all the good things being done. My toddler did really well with reasoning and talking through what had happened and what we can do differently. In a way he could understand. The whys and what's etc

You may already do all this, plus there's different schools of thought on what's right and wrong. Tricky subject really.

None of above meant to condescend either. More, a have you tried this?

Hope things get better for you.

I can't care for him at home. I'm working, that's why I need childcare.

I don't think I am responsible for his behaviour whilst he is at the childminder.

They need to supervise the children while they are in their care, that's their job.

It was a good tip that someone gave me on this thread that I should also reinforce good behaviour when everything is calm. I think we already do that to an extent, but we can focus more on that in the future.

My son also sometimes comes home with small bumps and bruises. I am not sure what happens at the childminder to cause them, but I think kids will be kids and sometimes hurt themselves and misbehave. Maybe they find it stressful to deal with that, but it is their job and the career they chose.

Repeatedly pulling hair is not kids being kids. And you absolutely are responsible for his behaviour whilst he is a young child. You can't control it completely whilst not there, no. But you are, at the end of the day , his mother, and are responsible for the way he behaves.

I would think she will be giving you notice soon, as not only is your child scaring others but you seem to be absolving all responsibility.

Those are good tips, thank you

She didn’t call him a monster. She said he’s been a monster today. There’s a huge difference there and it’s a really important one.

This ^

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

You need to work with the CMer to try to work out what is happening here, and how you can work together to help him get past this.

Put gloves on him he won't be able to grip and pull

It absolutely is your responsibility. He's your child. He is a product of his environment and you. If his behaviour is bad to the point he scares other children then you need to withdraw him from group childcare settings and find an alternative.

Sorry but he is your child and therefore your responsibility always.

I say this as a working mother myself so I get that it's hard.

You should fine other childcare. All the other mindees at the current childminder deserve to feel safe and happy there. The childminder doesn't deserve to be in a situation where she loses other clients because the parents move their kids to get them away from yours. I would suggest finding a nursery where there will be more staff and can work more intensively with your child on his behaviour.

Is what you are doing at home (telling him off, intervening to stop the hair pulling) working? As in, is he doing it less? Because if what you are doing isn't changing his behaviour, you need to try something else.

Yes . You really are responsible for his behaviour. You are his mother. You and his dad are teaching him how to behave in the world. You can't just absolve yourself of all liability at 2yo. You can't say "sorry, not my problem".

I am responsible for his behaviour at home and how I discipline him when he misbehaves. How I teach him and educate him. At the childminder I am not physically there, so can't stop him from misbehaving. It is the job of the childminder to address his behaviour whilst he is in their care. "The kids will be kids" comment was more of a general comment in regards to bumps and bruises, not regarding the hair pulling. Of course hair pulling is unacceptable.

It's a really tough one, because whilst other children should feel safe at their childcare setting, 2yo aren't exactly know for their impulse control are they?

I'd say, keep doing what you're doing, really re-enforcing the fact that it's not good behaviour, and when he pulls his sister's hair, give her lots of fuss. You can step in and stop it because you see the warning signs, your childminder can't do that. Speak with her and try and work out a plan on what to do moving forward.

You seem more bothered about the language the CM used about your precious son than the other children who are being attacked, especially that poor, frightened little girl. It says a lot.

You need to work with your child care provider and keep consistent boundaries. No doubt you'll be served notice soon though so I'd get looking for another provider if I were you

You don’t care for him at home? If your husband is the one looking after him in the mornings, evenings, and at weekends then maybe some help from you would be appreciated.

And yes, you are responsible for his behaviour. He is your child, even if, as your posts suggest, you are not as involved as you could be.

Get over yourself! She's saying his behaviour is unacceptable and it is.

I hear the use of the term monster and monstrous quite a lot, it's a gentle way of calling someone a much stronger word.

Sort your sons behaviour out. Your childminder is correct. She cannot have him frightening other children. She has safeguarding responsibilities.

You don't seem to be understanding the replies you're getting here.

Your job as his parent is not to be on hand at all times to correct his behaviour. Rather, your job is to put the formative work in so that he DOESN'T act like he clearly is doing at the childminders. That is why she said WE need to be much more strict with him. She was telling you to find better approaches because what you are doing is not working well for him or you (or anyone else, from the sound of it).

No, you're responsible for him all of the time. You can't stop him misbehaving physically, ie you are not there to pull him away, but you should be working really hard with him to teach him it's wrong. Do you notice any chance when you've told him off?

The CM will see this as you failing to deal with it, I would imagine. She will of course be addressing his behaviour, when he's in her care, so dealing with the immediate issue, but ultimately it's your job to deal with the wider problem, which it obviously is as he's doing it at home as well.

DD went through a stage of hair pulling at the same age before she could communicate properly. We did the same as you ie pulling her up each time etc. She did stop doing it after a while and reverted to being the sweet little girl she had been before. Persevere and hopefully she’ll grow out of it soon. Good luck.

Nope. You're wrong.
When he's in school and doing this and ends up being suspended or excluded as a result, whose problem is that?
You (parents) are responsible for teaching him what is and isn't acceptable. It starts and ends with you and his dad.

If he's a little shit it's a reflection on you, not the childminder

Sorry to derail a bit, but how much hair does your 8 month old have?!

And yes agree with PPs, of course you can control, from afar, what your child does, and indeed has learnt is OK, in terms of behaviour. Perhaps choose a nursery with lots of staff. Or a nanny at home? Similar costs.

@CloudybutMild Obviously I meant that I can't care for him at home whilst I am working - that's why I need childcare

He's 2. Don't be ridiculous.

A nanny at home is absolutely not a similar cost to a childminder!

The language used wouldn't bother me at all. I'm sure I've said exactly the same when mine were that age - for instance DH gets home from work and I say 'they've been absolute monsters today'.

Sounds like the childminder just had a very difficult day with him.