Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

His behaviour is probably worse at the childminders.. look for someone else

Clearly what you're doing isn't working.

If he's pulling hair to get the toy, it must have worked at least sometimes or he wouldnt keep doing it.

Take the toy away for the rest of the day, tell him no hitting, then give him a short time out of 1 or 2 minutes.

If he's pulled the 8 month olds hair multiple times, he needs more supervision.

When did the hair pulling start?
Is there any other challenging behaviour?
Is he only doing it when he wants a toy another child has, or at other times?
Is he targeting specific children or anyone?
I wonder, as if he'd just pulled one child's hair in the day, the CM would describe him as behaving monstrously?

You have two children, one of them a baby, and you can't always prevent him hurting her. What do you expect a childminder with 4 or 5 children to do?

She's going to deal with his behaviour by giving you notice.

As tempting as that may be, we are not actually allowed to swap our children like this. If for no other reason, it’ll not be fair on the other parent who’s brought up a better behaved child and turns up to find she’s got to take a little nightmare home now.

😂

It's been going on for two - three months. He doesn't target any specific children. It's always about toys - when he wants a certain toy or if any children are getting to close to the toys he's playing with

Are her ratios off? She should be able to handle this. If a little girl is screaming when she sees him - a 2 year old - she is not in control at all! Is he nearly 3 really? Otherwise reward charts etc are a waste of time at 2. All that works is prevention and an IMMEDIATE telling off/removal. It is tiresome having to do it but that's the care of infants for you.

Is it possible that you never tell him off? Honestly you don't sound like you don't. But otherwise I don't understand the CM's attitude here. If you are someone who tries to explain why he behaves badly and limply says 'darling don't' I would understand but you don't sound like that.

If she’s been deflecting his hair-pulling and calming upset children she’d probably had enough for one afternoon. Think you’re being a tad precious on this one.

But yes to the thread title I wouldn't worry about the monster thing. End of a long day.

Good fucking point.

Do you have a 2 year old?

Wow, some of these replies, he is 2 years old. I also suspect a lot of these posters haven't had a toddler that has gone through a phase of biting or hair pulling, it's happens.

I'd probably look for another setting for him, maybe see if a nursery works better.

I get how you feel. My DS1 was challenging when he was little. I was all over it, supervising closely, firmly dealing with bad behaviour, consistency. I did everything I could to model good behaviour, star charts, time out - the lot.

When he went to nursery or school I had no control. I'd pick him up to complaints and I would be upset and frustrated. He didn't behave like that on my watch. I felt powerless to do anything about it. It's an awful position to be in.

It will pass.

He is two years and 3 months old.

We're not gentle with him when he misbehaves, we tell him off in a strict and stern voice

I don’t even think 2 year olds understand the idea of a telling off, you should be showing him how to behave and taking him out of the room and explaining how to behave again to him outside of the room. Your child minder sounds overwhelmed but you also need more age appropriate parenting strategies to nip this behaviour in the bud. You aren’t doing your child any favours by not putting time into tackling it. “How to talk so little kids will listen” is a great book as a starting point.

YABU. Turn of phrase - "she's been a nightmare today", "he's been a pain" etc etc.

If everything else is good and you're happy with the childminder apart from this off hand comment I wouldn't move.

You have asked how did we stop our children pulling hair and I will admit what I did, which will not be popular but it worked.
I pulled my child's hair back. Just the once. They looked really shocked, but they understood from then why they couldn't do it, and never did it again.

It’s just an expression. What would you prefer- little shit? Bugger? Rascal? Menace? I’d be more upset that my child’s behaviour was so bad that other kids were scared of him tbh and I’d be doubly upset if I was the mother of that child who was terrified by him. I would start looking for another childminder a f I were you, because this one has had enough by the sounds of it.

Blimey Op. your sons behaviour at the child minders is so consistently bad that another child refuses to go in when she sees him. and you think this is the child minders problem to deal with? At home with him you are one to one so you can stop him and head off the bad behaviour. but you have chosen a child care setting that is not one to one so this is impossible. surely you can see this? should the childminder just ignore everyone elses child so she can helicopter around yours just in case? good behaviours are learned initially from parents. so its your responsibility to sort this out. There are lots of options - you give up work and parent him, you employ a nanny for one to one, you go to a childminder with maybe only one other child. and yes I get the other options will cost more but honestly thats having kids.

He's still very little at 2. I'd try reading some books at bedtime focused around consent and being gentle like hands are not for hitting etc. It'll not fix it right away but will start to introduce the concept of bodily automony on a very small level that you can build on. I'd sit down with the childminder and go through what you do at home - things you notice when he's about to do it and how you manage it and ask her to do the same. If she can't do that then I'd look elsewhere because I wouldn't say that's unusual behaviour for a 2 year old and she should have the tools to deal with it as well.

This in spades.

How about spending less time getting all offended and focusing on the CM choice of phrase to describe your child’s appalling behavior and throw yourself 100% into tackling it instead.
You need yo be on the same page as her. Removal of privileges, naughty step, rewards for good behavior etc.

Are people remembering that he's only 2?

I think @Cw112 is right that you should sit down with the childminder to chat it out. She'll at least realise you're taking it seriously then. I'd also check she is looking after the right number of children and of the right ages.

I think you might be down playing it if another child is screaming at the sight of him.
Be prepared for her to give you notice.
You don't seem particularly bothered about Correcting the behaviour, more about the turn of phrase. What you're doing isn't working, so time for a different approach.

No! It's never too early to teach a child not to hurt others. Nobody's saying the problem is solved easily and immediately, were saying you have to put the work in.

I'm surprised you're doubting the childminders ratios. I would assume she would definitely give notice if op essentially tries to accuse her of breaking ratios and pushes the blame on to her.