Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

@PicturesOfDogs Of course if you keep taking the toy off him, he’ll learn that hitting/pulling hair doesn’t get him what he wants, and he’ll stop doing it.

No, it really won’t. Not for a child this age. They do not know. They don’t have the skills needed to feel remorse, they don’t have the ability to make a connection between hair pulling and the toy.

It might not happen overnight

No indeed. What will happen is that eventually they’ll have the skills needed to understand, and this will happen naturally as the child approaches his third birthday. But you can’t hurry it along. Just as you can’t force a child to walk until they actually can.

Taking a toy away because they’re frustrated is a different thing though.
As I said, if he’s doing this to get a toy, once he realised he won’t get the toy, he’ll stop doing it.
But you must be consistent.
If he sometimes gets the toy, and sometimes not, he’ll still think it’s worth a chance.

It’s not about feeling remorse.
It’s about knowing they won’t get what they want.
Just like the girl who he hits has already learned to recognise him, and now screams whenever she sees him.

There is no way a child of this age is going to understand ‘I pulled Evie’s hair so I did not get the toy. I must not pull her hair so I can play with the toy.’

Plus, at this age half the time they aren’t even that bothered about the toy, which is why distraction usually works better. They will play with it for sixty seconds max before moving on.

We’ll have to agree to disagree.
Kinds need firm boundaries and consistency to challenge bad behaviour.
They don’t magically stop hitting at the age of three because you’re hovering around them and intervening

He’s 2. Normal discipline, say no. Time out. All the usual stuff. Toddlers can be challenging, as can children at all ages. And if another child pulls his hair back then hey ho. But ultimately the childminder should be in charge & feeding back to parents, which it sounds like she is doing.

A week is a long punishment for a 2 year old as he won’t associate the bad behavior with the punishment after a day. But I agree with the principle. If he is naughty at daycare, no tv or fun once he gets home. Tea bath and straight to bed

You’re looking at it from the wrong viewpoint.

You obviously talk to them as well, you don’t just take the toy.
You explain to them they must ask first, or wait until Lucy has finished.
You keep reinforcing the fact.
You certainly don’t just allow them to play with the toy and wait until they grow out of it

You can also use distraction as well obviously, it’s not an either or.
But they must not be just allowed to get the toy and be able to play with it, there must be a consequence

I wasn't being serious. A 2 year old won't understand that no fun at home had anything to do with being ' naughty' at the child minders.

Not all children are genius MN children.

I’m not actually against that, but do you think it will actually change his behaviour?

It won’t, will it? He isn’t going to stop and consider that his actions will lead to him losing the toy outright

Thinking about this some more, You could say the same thing about telling children to use ‘kind hands’ as many have advocated doing.

According to your logic, that would be pointless too, as ‘they won’t stop and consider they’re not using kind hands’

As I’ve said, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.
You can try and distract, but if an incident slips through, first port of call is taking the toy of them and give it back to Lucy, and tell the child ‘No, Lucy is playing with this, you have to wait’, as well as talking about kind hands or whatever Surely it’s common sense to try the basics first?

How else will they learn if you don’t specifically teach them?

Yes it is a childminder's responsibility to correct a child's behaviour in their care and to teach positive behaviour.

Sounds like he was a little monster that day, it’s an expression, doesn’t mean he is a monster.

I was going to suggest exactly that, but I would probably be crucified.

He needs to know how it feels when someone pulls his hair hard... it bloody hurts! Then he may develop some empathy for others he does that to.

Of course correcting behaviour is part of their job. It is even in our childminding contract that they will discipline children appropriately when they see fit.

I haven't said anything the whole day because I was working and then taking care of my kids.

There's definitely people on this thread that love a pile on, but I don't take it personally.

Some people have given really good, constructive advice, thank you to them.

This is a bit controversial but my daughter went through a phrase of biting, it was getting bad as she was doing it everywhere to everyone and so one day I bit her back, gently of course but she suddenly saw the consequences and stopped the behaviour ...just a thought?!

Of course correcting behaviour is part of their job. It is even in our childminding contract that they will discipline children appropriately when they see fit.

It is not their job to correct a bad habit you are handling ineffectually at home.

I am glad you have had some good practical advice, but a lot seems to have passed over your head.

Also, have yet to see a shred of care for the little girl he terrorises.

Calling another poster a fruitcake? What's wrong with you?
And you have not read Dinosaurs previous posts if you think they didnt say anything about little girl. Sadly, you both have zero empathy to the other child who is about 2 too. I guess it's normal for a 2 year old to pull hair but not normal to be afraid at that age.

He's 2 years old.

how often are they getting out?
what are her ratios?

He's two means the OP shows no concern whatsoever for his victim - who is also presumably two? OK.

If your "sweet boy" was afraid of going to the childminder because one of the other children was pulling his hair and aggressive toward him to the extent that an experienced childminder was struggling to keep on top of it would you continue to use them?

This is not "boys will be boys" behaviour, it needs addressing by parents at home. There are good tips on this thread but you don't seem to accept that ultimately his general behaviour is the parents' responsibility. Behaviour is learned and managed at home and reinforced outside - not the other way around.

You could also ask your childminder for suggestions on strategies at home as your current model plainly isn't working and she has both general experience and an insight to your child.

You seem to think that two year olds are incapable of learning.
You don’t allow a child to ride roughshod, to do what they want, and just wait for them to ‘get it’ with a hope and a prayer.
They learn things because you teach them. They don’t magically alter their behaviour with no input.
Children start learning from the moment they’re born, they’re a lot smarter than you’re giving them credit for.