Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

Exactly.

He's not a monster. he's two years old. and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.

So she should just put up with it whilst he learns? Bollocks to that.

(I have children of both sexes who covered a wide spectrum of behaviour!)

Mardyface I take it, from your post, that I am one of the people you are addressing. Pointing out the double standard for boys and girls expected behaviour, does not make a person a man hater. I like men in general, just not the one's with the bad behaviour. This boys behaviour is seriously upsetting that little girl yet certain posters commented that she should just get over it.

And people don't just come to this board for advice, though many do. They also post here for affirmation that they are doing the right thing.(even when they aren't)

I am simply saying that, that family ignored that boys bad behaviour to others while growing up. And by doing just that, it is causing serious problems to HIM and HIS family now. It MAY be just a phase the rzk son is going through but it needs to be made clear that her sons behaviour, is wrong however young he is and from the tone of rzk post I don't think that is necessarily happening in her head yet.

To your last part yes, I have 3 kids (a teen, a kid in pre-school and a 1 year old) and NON of my kids have pulled hair... and my 4 year old is non verbal SEN (so its not an effect of not talking, all 3 kid where late talkers and didnt lash out so no idea why people think that).

I tend to notice the parents of the worst behaved kids always convince themselves 'all kids do it' and 'its normal' (or as a parent at DS school says 'boys will be boys') when no they really don't all act like that its bad behavior worse so that excuses have been made instead of action taken not 'normal' behavior.

I genuinely think the denial runs so deep these parents can't see that NON of the other children (whose parents are complaining) are doing the same urgo it cannot be 'normal' behavior.

I agree with this.
People talk about kids hitting and biting like it’s an inevitable phase. It isn’t.

Its no coincidence the same parents have the children who do the hitting and biting 🤷‍♀️

I cannot actually believe people are equating a two year old hair pulling with abuse and coercive control.

This thread is foul.

Does your son realise how much having hair pulled hurts?
It is extremely painful.
The fact other children are actually afraid of him would worry me far more than him being called a little monster.

It Is “monstering” behaviour to go and assault another child for a toy- Assuming he must be pulling hair hard an it has become a modus operandi in getting hid own way with other children
Yank! Yank! Other child feels real pain and gives in.

The hair pulling has to stop.
One child cannot be causing fear to others-

Imagine if it was your child being assaulted by another child at a childminder’s house- I’m sure you’d not be happy.

It's ridiculous to suggest that he will be in school in the future?

It’s not an inevitable phase but that doesn’t mean it’s not within the wide spectrum of normal behaviour for such young kids.

And no, mine were never hair pullers/hitters/biters etc. I just remember what little shits 2 year olds can be!

Walking and outdoor exercise is crucial for little children.
I had a holiday job looking after two year old Twins in their own home, and exercise was a way to keep them calm and not fighting.
If I’d stayed in all day with them, they’d have been like wrestlers.
Maybe find a child minder who gives them outdoor exercise ?
Toddlers generally love being outdoors.

I just keep thinking about the little girl who screamed when she saw him.

But did this actually happen ? What sort of environment is the childminder creating if this is really happening ? While the OP is at work it is true to say she cannot do anything about the situation in the childminders house. The fact that they are not getting outside also concerns me. This does not sound like a good childcare environment. This thread is indeed taking a very strange turn.

Having hair pulled really hurts some children.
But I wonder if more outdoor exercise would keep the children happier generally?
There is a nursery near here who take a ‘crocodile “ of little ones out for exercise- it’s really sweet to see, and they seem very well behaved.
But there is a high ratio of staff to children.

....clearly not. It's ridiculous to suggest that because he is pulling hair at 2 that she should be initially worrying about whether he is being excluded when school age.

No. I didn't say anything of the sort.
I said it was ridiculous to suggest that he will still be pulling hair at age 13 just because he pulls hair at 2.

I agree that exercise is essential for children’s well-being.
It seems childminder doesn’t give the children proper exercise outdoors in a stimulating environment.

Kids cooped up all day will get achingly bored.

So you think it’s more likely it’s a lie about the girl being scared than it is the known hair puller pulled her hair and she’s now scared?

You could equally say what sort of environment is the OP creating when she can’t even prevent her own baby from having their hair pulled?

Tbf, my friend has 2 children raised in the same environment and only 18 months between them. The youngest was a biter at around 2 years old. Neither she, her husband or us her friends had experience of a biter so was quite a shock. She managed to tackle the behaviour after a month or two.

She was really disappointed and quite upset that he did this and never excused it as a phase though.

autienotnaughty
Registered child minder expected requirements are:

a home-based childcare course that covers the Early Years Foundation Stage framework
a paediatric first aid course
child protection training
a food safety qualification.

The expected requirements today for a nursery manager are:

A 3 or 4 years degree in early years teacher training course or 5 A-C (9-4) GCSE's for the level 3 college 2 year course.
Plus the below is also expected.
knowledge of teaching and the ability to design courses.
customer service skills.
business management skills.

Slight different there in job requirements.

And her attitude is obviously why she got it under control.
I’m talking about the parents who seem to think it’s a phase that kids just grow out of.
You always know where their kids are, you just need to follow the screams

People call it a "phase", implying that it's something that happens to all children and will pass in its own time. But that's not true. When it happens, it gets addressed, then the behaviour stops. You don't just sit back and wait for it to pass. I don't understand why so many people don't understand that good adults don't just happen. It is a process. Which starts from the moment they are born.

Read social stories, discuss the issue and remind him to use kind hands when you drop him off.

When people say it's a phase they are not justifying the behaviour. They are saying it's a typical behaviour for that age but no bodies saying the behaviour shouldn't be worked at. All children are different some are fairly compliant and respond well to basic parenting techniques. Others do not and it takes more work, more patience and better parenting. The op is working on it and has taken on board suggestions for working on this issue. If your child responded quickly and easily to your parenting of negative behaviours then give your child a pat on the back. They are an easy child. In my experience (as parenting support worker) the best parents are the ones who have been challenged and have worked to overcome those challenges.

Have you read the book, “Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier. The research is into adopted children who are taken from their mothers but evidence suggests that children who are separated for parents from their mothers from a young age can also suffer separation anxiety and attachment problems. I would have taken this with a pinch of salt at one time had I not have observed this first hand. Experience is a teacher!

@FernlovingNodosaur I'm assuming you are joking? You understand a childminder is running a business so also needs to have business and customer services skills in order to be successful. It's a ofsted requirement that childminder settings, pre schools and nursery's are managed by people who have a diploma in children's education although absolutely a lot nurseries may require a manager is degree educated it's not a legal requirement. All child care settings should adhere to the same standards set by ofsted regarding planing for childrens development. A nursery is no different to a childminder in terms of what is required of them.