Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

As I said I was a childminder. I earned 37k a year not sure if this is similar to a nursery manager. I am not demanding that childminders are to the same standards as nursery's I am explaining that Ofsted hold them to the same standard. This is not new it's been the case for approx 15-20 years. You appear to be saying that childminding is somehow not the same as a nursery . I am saying that they have to have the same policies, work to the eyfs in the same way, plan for childrens development and evidence planing which links to the eyfs. Safeguarding , be lead practitioner in team around the child. Support and make reasonable adjustments for Sen children. Market their business, do tax return, payroll if they have staff. They can also offer two and three year funding and have to do additional evidence for this. Keep up to date on mandatory training. The requirements of a Ofsted registered childminder are the same as a ofsted registered nursery.

@FernlovingNodosaur I don't think your meaning to but you are doing childminders a dis service by misunderstanding their role.

Rosieisposy like perhaps the way Dinosaurs23 had typed about the little girl who's hair was being pulled.

Exactly. This thread is bonkers. He's two. Can it stop now.

autienotnaughty No I understand a childminders role. It's you and people like you that are expecting to much from their roll as childminders.

I second what other people are saying, I think it would be a good idea to find a new childminder.

autienotnaughty 37k is well above the national average today, especially as you saying it was a while ago that you earned it?
Yes you were according to you earning more than the average nursery managers today back then. In fact you are earning earned 15k more than some managers quite a few nursery managers do today. The picture you paint of child minding is rather different to one I know in small towns. Just saying.

People keep saying hes 2... ok so is the child HE is attacking.

He is not the victim here.

And when there a room of a dozen kids and ONE is attacking the others its is NOT 'normal' behavior, if it was then several of them would also be doing it.

Kids exibiting these signs are usually doing it out of frustraition (not from talking its far deeper than that) but that doesnt mean the victims have to put up with it because OP doesnt want to take responsability.

If YOUR kid is hurting other children its YOUR responsability not the childminders, they are not there to teach your children basic morals and they should be taught at home so its not an issue at nursery/school/care.

Punishments are a massive spectrum and what a profesional day care worker can do safely without being acused of abuse of their angels by parents is SEVERELY limited so its not their job to correct the bahavior.

She hasn’t said anything about her, you absolute fruitcake.

I honestly think some people on this thread have never seen a photo of a 2 year old, let alone met one.

The issue is not that he is a victim or that he should be allowed to pull people's hair willy nilly. The issue is that as a 2 yr old his cognitive abilities are quite basic so stopping him behaving like this is a question of conditioning and that takes time. He has only just gained the knowledge of himself as separate from other people so his knowledge of sharing with people who are not himself is not likely to be great. Ascribing evil to someone who cannot know that his actions are wrong is really stupid and damaging. YES he can learn. That's what the op is trying to do, but that is a question of conditioning and that takes time and consistency. Of course the childminder has to correct the behaviour otherwise it is literally her fault the little girl's hair is being pulled as she is the adult and the 2 old is... Two.

When people say it is normal behaviour that doesn't mean everyone does it. My kids never did it. They did plenty of other stuff I didn't want them to do though, and that was normal too because they were learning how to be humans. It is normal bad behaviour that needs to be stopped but doesn't indicate anything other than he's a two year old who hasn't learned to share.

Stop talking bollocks. A 2 year old child shouldn't be punished.

What age can punishment make start then. Genuinely intrigued

What sort of punishment should he have?

Because it has to be something he understands and helps him. Otherwise, it’s simple malice. You hurt someone, so we’ll hurt you.

Stop talking bollocks. Of course they should in an age appropriate way.

They certainly don’t ‘punish’ at the nursery my son attends.

Move away, say no, absolutely. But punishment? What punishment are they going to process at this age that will have them pondering the error of their ways?

If he’s hitting/pulling hair to get a toy, then the punishment is that the toy is took off him?
Things like that

How would you punish a two year old? Do you really think a 2 year old would respond to punishment?

No Cbeebies for a week? No trips to the park? That will show 'em.

I’m not actually against that, but do you think it will actually change his behaviour?

It won’t, will it? He isn’t going to stop and consider that his actions will lead to him losing the toy outright.

Sharing is really hard for toddlers. They want something and they want it and they don’t understand why it isn’t a good idea, why someone else is playing with it which means they have to wait and so on.

Branding a child a monster, even if cosily phrased as ‘behaved like a monster’, is awful. They really cannot help themselves at this age. You might as well call them stupid because they can’t read.

I had a hitter. All I could do was keep a very close eye and move him away if it looked like he was going to take a swipe at another child. I still hover anxiously but - touch wood - he’s been a lot better lately. He’s also been on the receiving end of bites and so on because it is what happens with toddlers.

Punishment in the sense that posters mean seems to be purely punitive and there to try to make the child unhappy. That’s wrong. I can’t believe I’m having to point that out in relation to a two year old.

Not actually against taking the toy away, that should have been.

Its not the worst thing but I don’t think it will do any good whatsoever. I’ve taken toys away from my DS before it he’s getting frustrated trying to work them or similar. But it isn’t a punishment.

This is so hard and so sad. It is the CM job when you’re not there. I’ve had a child be like this and it is HORRIBLE as you can’t do anything about it if there and it’s not like you sit there telling your kid to do it.
I wonder if he’s not happy in the setting or needs some other kind of discipline/attention or support? Did the CM actually say what she recommends?

But that's like me saying when my child is at school and being naughty her behaviour isn't my responsibility because I'm not there so I have nothing to do with it and it's left to the school. No, you have to both work together to stop this behaviour.

I’m guessing this is sarcasm? They’re too young to understand why they’re not getting something for a week. It’s too long and they can’t link the meaning at this age.

I can’t be certain, but think people mean ‘consequences’ rather than necessarily ‘punishment’.
Of course if you keep taking the toy off him, he’ll learn that hitting/pulling hair doesn’t get him what he wants, and he’ll stop doing it.
It might not happen overnight, but consistently is the key. He’ll learn hitting doesn’t get him the toy.
Whereas if you just go for hovering/intervention, he doesn’t realise what you’re doing, and on the occasion me he manages, he still thinks in the same way that hitting gets him the toy, and still try and do it

No, it isn’t like that at all.

Do you think if she says to the child - who is 28 months, by the way - ‘You pulled Evie’s hair today. You are a naughty little boy and you’re not watching Moon and Me tonight’ - that hell process what he did and change his behaviour?