Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

Are you suggesting the childminder made it up? The OP says her sweet little boy does this to his 8 month old sibling, so it is clear it is something he does do. Are you suggesting you can't imagine another child screaming in fear when someone who caused her pain and shock previously shows up. It happens at home. What sort of atmosphere is the OP creating then... Really, people are turning themselves into knots to avoid the stated reality of the OPs posts, which is that her child pulls hair to get his way.

Why on earth wouldnt it have happened?

My 15 month old cant talk more than saying 'Hi', when the boy in my previous post was trying to grab her she screamed as its her only way or expressing that she didnt like it. This did not stop him so she took to screaming every time he would come towards her as a pre-emptive 'NO'.

It litrally took only 2 times of him grabbing her for her to start shouting BEFORE he would grab her when she saw him coming because shes not stupid and knows whats coming next.

BadNomad I am agreement about the down playing but did use the word "phase" just to make a point.

Some posters are saying oh it's awful he is just two and it's a phase but the ages children take in most knowledge of the world and how it works is between birth and five years. I know people who can remember events good or bad when they were only 2 or 3 and many decades later they are still remembering them. Who's to say that this little girl won't remember being an unwanted party to this boys "phase" if her reaction to him is anything to go by.

@FernlovingNodosaur a nursery manager can have all the qualifications in the world.....and still be shit at looking after children.....

@rzk I can see both your side and the childminders side in this. I'm a childminder of 22 years, and have had my fair share of challenging children. And, yes, your child has challenging behaviour; I have one at the moment who is very similar. I have a very good rapport with his mum and will tell her if he's been a monster,and it's said in an affectionate way, not a mean,nasty way. She is under no illusions about him! The key here is communication. You MUST work with your childminder with regards to how you are both going to deal with this so he has continuity from both sides. His behaviour is your responsibility, however, if you are working together to find a solution then it's the responsibility of both of you. You cannot just drop him at the minders house and think, oh well, it's her responsibility now, because, although he is in her care,you are both responsible. Don't move him to another minder- that's just moving the issue elsewhere- and don't put him in a nursery; I've worked in one and the chances are these incidents will still happen but may not be noticed in a bigger setting.
You need to find a solution with your childminder that will work for both of you.

Upthread you said that this behaviour is always about toys. When you tell him off in a strict and stern voice, what do you actually say to him?

Do you also take the toy away?

Get a nanny then to stop him terrorizing other children. My granddaughter was at nursery with a child like yours. to she went from being a happy, confident toddler to a quivering wreck who was terrified of going to a nursery she had previously loved. My son and dil had to pull her out in the end.

autienotnaughty
No I'm not. You, not me claimed that the requirements to be a childminder are exactly the same as the manager who runs a large nursery and earns so much more. The don't obviously, as I posted directly from the government careers website what requirements were expected for the respective jobs mentioned.
There is no mention of the diploma for child minding. The criteria I have already mentioned is there to see. A Childminders job of providing basic good care seems difficult enough already and expecting people in this case child minders to go well beyond their job remit (a certain poster here was expecting child minders to come up with behavioral coping strategies for children) and their pay grade/rate is in my opinion unfair. If a person with a relevant degree/diploma in early learning wants to be a childminder and the rate that commands in the job market ok but it's not necessary for that job is it?

I love the fact that this thread is still going.

The OP hasn't said anything (understandably) since midnight last night - 15 hours ago.

And yet still we continue. Telling her what a shitty parent she is.

Adults going on about what an unkind child the DC must be, while still posting judgemental shitty posts that are just going to make this mum feel more guilty, more hopeless.

She is bloody trying.

And I was being flippant before about the other kids surviving the hair pulling. But honestly - someone compared me being flippant about toddlers hair pulling to me saying that women should just 'survive rape'. Utterly utterly ridiculous.

Toddlers push, shove, throw their food on the floor, shit in the bath. They need to be supported to learn how to stop these behaviours...not given an adult level of judgement. He is TWO. There are no bad kids at two. Just kids that need more support to learn how to act.

OP literally asked for tips on what to do. Lots of people have given then. But also lots of people have taken it as an opportunity to push their own agenda because one time their darling Archibold got shoved in a playground and he still gets triggered looking at see-saws to this day.

hookiewookie29 I am fully aware that professionals with degrees can be "shit" at their jobs. We only have to look at those who are running the UK right now. My response was to another poster who claimed that all childminders need the same qualifications expected today as a manager who runs a large nursery.

This ^
poor little mite and her poor parents having to drop her off and going to work knowing she is afraid
Afraid of your child and his bullish behaviour.

A typical white knight 'Be kind'-er who cant finish their post without mocking and belittling others thus proving she is EXACTLY what shes claiming the others to be... mean.

I mean if the end of your argument is mocking children who are scared you have ZERO high ground on anything.

Sorry your going through this, it is hard when you're kid is "that child", but the childminder is right, it does need to stop.

If it's been going on for month, all the other kids have probably been attacked several times by now, so it's not supriseing they are developing a fear/ aversion to him. How would you feel if it was your kid been hurt, and every day you had to force them into a place they're afraid to be, while they scream, cry, cling to you and beg not to be left because they know they will be hurt? How long would you wait for the kid to grow out of it, or would you protect your own and remove them?

Now imagine your the childminder seeing this and knowing that she is probably only weeks from the other parents giving notice if it doesn't stop. That's her livelihood at risk, and a business she spent years building all gone. Of course she wants you to do something, and I'd say is giving you a warning that she will refuse to take him if things don't improve.

At the moment it sound like you are only tackling this reactivately, when the bad behaviour occurs, but you need to be much more proactive. If it's always about toys, then you need to teach him to share and reinforced gently hands constantly. When my toddler went through a biting stage we spent lots of time role-playing with his dinosaur and explaining to t-rex why he shouldn't bite the other toys. We also made apology cards and talked about how sad his friends will have been.

Dinosaurs23 The opening post starts with "he's a sweet boy," and it soon becomes clear later that no he wasn't being a sweet boy to the other children at the chidminders at all. That's the problem. Parents understandably love their children but that can blind some parents to their children's behaviour when outsiders can see it clearly. That's what some people are picking up, on the thread and commenting about which they allow to do surely.

Can I remind you that that little girl who you were in your own words being flippant about, who was being hurt to the point, were she is screaming with fear as the child minder mentioned is also someone else's precious child. Who is just as important as your play ground pusher or hair puller. If me supporting the little girl who is having her pulled here or the Archibold being pushed in the playground is an agenda according to you, so be it.

@mam0918

1. I'm taking the piss out of the parents, not the children.
2. I made a generic piss taking comment about people being a tad ridiculous & precious - not singling anyone out. Others on here are still having a go at the OP specifically and worst of all, saying horrible things about her child - despite her not saying anything for hours and probably totally disheartened at how this thread has gone.

Bloody hell the OP is talking about a 2 year old. Still a baby really. Sounds like a normal stage to me. I would expect an experienced child minder to be able to manage it.

I'd find another child minder if possible or think about using a nursery.

This is quite a common behaviour for children of that age. Especially if they have problems with speech and language they can get quite frustrated or cannot communicate so that's how they might solve their problems.
A good childminder would observe him and record each time he is aggressive. What happens just before he bites perhaps someone snatched his toy and he lashed out. Or perhaps he bites more around nap time or before snack. She should be able to see a pattern and intervene before he gets to that stage where he is aggressive.
Also you should rule out any special needs.
Whoever Is calling out the op for calling her boy sweet of course he is sweet, he may bite but that doesn't mean he can't be a sweet boy who has problems regulating his behaviour. Children act up sometimes but the wording the childminder used is not very professional.

CuriousCatfish This not a normal "phase/stage" at all and needs addressing regardless of were the child is. Quite a few posters on the thread have already pointed out that their children even when little never pulled other children's hair.

Well MN do tend to have perfect children.

It is a totally normal toddler stage. Hair pulling ,biting , hitting are all normal toddler behaviours.

It is completely normal.

What really isn’t normal is the viciousness on this thread.

There are some monsters on this thread and I'm not talking about the OPs 2 year old child.

@FernlovingNodosaur Just because not all children do something doesn't make it abnormal.

No one is arguing that it is OK to pull someone's hair. It's just about keeping it in perspective and providing the OP with some helpful tips and support. The fact OP is even on here asking for advice shows she is invested in her kid and her kid acting in a way that is kind and gentle with other children. of course she felt a bit emotional about what the childminder said - it's hard feeling your kid is the one causing issues, just as it's hard hearing your child has had their hair pulled

But none of it is a disaster.

The way this little boy has been spoken about on here is actually really upsetting.

Too right @Rosieisposy

Outdoor exercise isn't always practical, though - it was pee-ing down here nd blowing a gale for 3 days straight.

This morning the sky is bright and sunny and pretending it never happened.