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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 01/11/2022 07:04

Ignore his tantrum and use the name.

TeenDivided · 01/11/2022 07:08

And for perspective, ask him what he thinks your mum would have to say about the matter.

Oh yes, I like that idea.

Hiyawotcha · 01/11/2022 07:08

one of my sons has the same middle name as my nephew as well as my husband’s nephew. Never needed any discussion. Wasn’t mentioned. And no family collection - just a good middle name.

The other has the same middle name as one of my brothers and the same first name as my other brother’s middle name.

it’s no big deal AT ALL.

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Families
lightlypoachedeyeballs · 01/11/2022 07:09

Congratulations on your pregnancy Smile

Use the name. She's your baby, not your brothers and she was your mum too. He's being a tad over sensitive and he'll calm down eventually.

For now I'd ignore, don't raise it again and enjoy the rest if your pregnancy and new baby. How exciting!

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 01/11/2022 07:09

I wouldn't message him back. I would name your daughter the name you wish and if he mentions it again, tell him what your Mum would have done - to get a grip. End of.

anxiouslyanxious · 01/11/2022 07:10

He is being unreasonable. I also think if this is out of character for him then it's probably coming from his wife, rather than him.

ZenNudist · 01/11/2022 07:10

Yanbu ignore him, give her the middle name you planned and do not be browbeaten by your brother. You sound very cowed by him. Stand up to him. He's very much in the wrong!

Moonlightdust · 01/11/2022 07:10

Your brother is being completely and utterly unreasonable. I could perhaps understand if he’d chosen the name as his dd’s first name (and you were wanting to do the same) but middle names are rarely used; only in formal situations or on paper! I’d be really hurt too as you have every right to pass on your mum’s name.

Zofloraqueen27 · 01/11/2022 07:11

I am very sure your dear mum would be absolutely thrilled to bits to know both her beautiful granddaughters carried her name as a token of love and remembrance. It is not up to your brother to make any comment. You adding your mum’s name will have no reflection on him or his daughter, he is being ridiculous. He did not ask your permission to have the name for his daughter and you do not need his for your daughter. Your mum sounds like a lovely person.

Iguanainanigloo · 01/11/2022 07:13

YANBU at all op. Your brother is the one acting disrespectful by not understanding how much this means to you. I'd be tempted to pop out 10 kids in quick succession and hope at least 5 of them are girls and give them all the same middle name just to spite him. (Joking... Kind of)

cherrybakewell24 · 01/11/2022 07:16

YANBU he's being an arse. I would ignore his message, you don't need the stress while pregnant.

larkstar · 01/11/2022 07:20

I'm totally in agreement with every other person that thinks your your DB is being unreasonable. Is it that he's anxious about the limelight that will now fall on your DD when she arrives?

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 01/11/2022 07:22

If its good enough for the Royal Family, its good enough for you. Practically all of the little ones have either Elizabeth or Phillip as middle names.

ASCB31 · 01/11/2022 07:24

YANBU. My sister and my two female cousins all have the same middle name, not after any ody, the parents just all happened to pick the same name! Hasn't affected any of them!

Newmum0322 · 01/11/2022 07:25

You tell him “you used my mothers name for your DD, it is the height of rudeness to tell me I can’t do the same. If you wanted a unique name you should have made a different choice!”.

Then tell him to fuck off!

CharlieBoo · 01/11/2022 07:28

He’s being completely irrational and silly! You can name your dd what you choose.

Shiraztonight · 01/11/2022 07:31

My nephew's middle name is the same as my son's first name, our father's name, there is only a few weeks between them, I just thought it was a nice tribute to our dad. Your brother is being ridiculous, just ignore him

ivykaty44 · 01/11/2022 07:32

I’d message back and say

if I had choose Victoria as a first name I could perhaps understand your annoyance but it’ll be a middle name for our dd. Tbh we didn’t need to tell anyone the name until after baby was born and named/ registered. It’s sad you don’t like our choice of naming.

this lets him know you’ve thought about it but will be sticking to plan A

AnImaginaryCat · 01/11/2022 07:32

Isn't it frequently being named after someone the point of middle names?

I honestly have no idea if any of my cousins have the same middle as me (or in fact if any of my cousins share middle name).

I do have a cousin with the same first name as me (different last name) and one with a very similar first name (along the lines of Maria and Marie).

ScrambledOrPoached · 01/11/2022 07:33

I have 3 boys and they all have the same middle name, your DB is being a complete knob.

tell him to do one and you’ll use it as her first name instead!

Wrongsideofpennines · 01/11/2022 07:33

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your brother is being insensitive. You're having a baby and your mum isn't here to support you and that's tough. And then to suggest that because you didn't get in there first with name is tough luck is hard when you've struggled for so long to get pregnant.

Personally I would still use the name as a middle name. Explain to him and perhaps sister-in-law why it is important and still do it. Lots of people honour relatives with their naming choices and there is nothing wrong with first cousins sharing a name.

I do wonder though if there might be something else that has happened that means your brother is upset. Is it possible they are struggling with fertility, or a miscarriage, or other issues that mean he is missing your mum in particular right now? It might just have made them more sensitive to being around baby talk in general? I would just be calm and gentle in your reply.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 01/11/2022 07:34

Ignore him, stick to your original plan. Don't bring it up with him - and if he brings it up just say that you want to honour your DM too and that its not up for debate - loads of people have the same middle names, it simply doesn't matter! They barely get used in day to day life but they mean something to the direct family.

MummyJ36 · 01/11/2022 07:36

Don’t message back. This behaviour doesn’t deserve to be rewarded with a reply. Hopefully he simmers down and realised what an absolute unreasonable arse he’s being. He doesn’t deserve any sympathy and it’s terrible behaviour.

HiveBee · 01/11/2022 07:36

Prince George has Louis as a middle name then obviously theres Prince Louis. And of course Princess Charlotte and Lilibet share Diana, a name can be used twice with Royal approval.

waterlego · 01/11/2022 07:39

Your brother is being unreasonable.

My brother and I both gave our sons the same middle name (our late Dad’s name) and never even had a conversation about it. My son was born first but I didn’t bat an eyelid when DB and SIL chose the same middle name for their son. I was just really chuffed that they wanted to honour dad in the same way that I did.