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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
Fifiesta · 01/11/2022 06:11

Congratulations!
You are being totally reasonable naming your daughter after your mother, please go ahead and use it, with love.
After spending a lovely evening with your brother and sister in law, and as this is unusual behaviour from your brother, it could be that something else is going on. Time will tell, and in the meantime enjoy your wonderful news, and make happy plans for your future.

Is it 100% indisputable that the text was sent from your brother, and not by someone else using his phone?

Sadly we can’t control or always understand the behaviour of others. Please don’t allow this to cast a shadow on what deserves to be a very happy time for you.

ittakes2 · 01/11/2022 06:13

Your brother is being daft. Sorry about your mum. Sounds like he might have unresolved issues from your mum’s death?
It’s a middle name - rarely used and will never be used at family functions with both girls present.
congratulations on your pregnancy.

ittakes2 · 01/11/2022 06:13

Is there any chance this is being driven by your niece’s mum?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
HowVeryBizarre · 01/11/2022 06:13

How ridiculous of him, in lots of families the kids have the same middle names to honour parents. My sister and I both have eldest sons with my dad’s name as a middle name, DD has my mum’s name as a middle, I would have expected my sister to also use the name for her daughter if she had had one. Big congratulations on your pregnancy though x

onlythreenow · 01/11/2022 06:16

Your brother is being ridiculous, especially as the name is only being used as a middle name. Give your DD your Mum's name and ignore your brother. Honestly, the dramas people make over naming children. Incidentally, I went to school with twin girls, the only girls in that family, and they both had the same middle name (their Mum's name). It was never an issue.

Twiglets1 · 01/11/2022 06:19

My daughter has the same first name as her older cousins middle name and that has never been a problem. I was mildly annoyed when my sister picked it as her daughter’s middle name because it had been my favourite name for literally years and I always knew I would give my daughter that name. But I didn’t say anything to my sister because she hadn’t done anything wrong. And she never said anything to me when I subsequently gave my daughter the same first name as her daughters middle name. Your brother is being so petty and unreasonable.

UniversalAunt · 01/11/2022 06:20

YANBU but you are getting upset about something unimportant.

This pregnancy is precious & as Pp have said, you need to minimise any stress.
I suggest that you take the stance with your DB that you are no longer discussing this with him.

Go ahead & register your baby daughter with the names that you & DH want for her. No need whatsoever to share any more about this with your DB etc.

You ask why he is like this? I dunno but he is out of order dumping his grievance about this on you. Does he have form for this? Really it doesn’t matter why he is like this.

There are many traditions about carrying a grandparents name forward & family historians refer to these naming conventions to identify previous generations. Giving children middle names either to distinguish them from all the other John Smiths; to honour or confirm a grandparent or tie them into a grander branch of the family was everyday & commonplace. As a more recent well known example are the royal family girls who have Elizabeth & Diana as middle names.

I had thought my mother named after a royal until I saw a copy of her Grandmother’s birth certificate. I expect many of us would find similar naming patterns if we went back through the documentation.

So giving your mother’s name to your daughter as a middle name is absolutely the right thing to do. In years to come she & her cousin can share pride as they understand the love for their grandmother.

This is what you have wanted to do for your long awaited daughter, so go ahead.

Congratulations for your forthcoming baby daughter.

Clutterbugsmum · 01/11/2022 06:22

Give your DD your mum's middle name.

My middle name is the same as my great aunt, aunt and my first DD.

My Husband has his mum's maiden name as a middle name, As her name dies out with her generation as she only has sisters, And our son has the name as a middle name aswell.

icelollycraving · 01/11/2022 06:25

I’d be tempted to give her the name as a first name then 😉

imacatmeow · 01/11/2022 06:28

'Get a grip DB. She was my mum too. You don't own her memory.'

And I wouldn't debate it further.

Ramsbottom · 01/11/2022 06:31

Your brother is being an utter utter arsehole. How dare he say as his kid was born first she gets to carry your mums name on.

name your daughter with Victoria. His behaviour is unacceptable and you cannot acquicse to it.

Glera · 01/11/2022 06:31

Awful response from your brother.

Your Mum. Your daughter. Your choice.

A lovely gesture in your Mum's name.

Thefaceofboe · 01/11/2022 06:33

My cousins lost their mum tragically at a young age and all 4 of their daughters (different parents) have their mums name as the middle name. It’s lovely

EveningOverRooftops · 01/11/2022 06:34

Add the name to your name via deed poll

then you’re giving your DD your name and mums name.

announce on FB.

enjoy it.

in all seriousness though, he’s being ridiculous.

RudsyFarmer · 01/11/2022 06:41

Well he’s a cunt isn’t he?! You’ve had seven years of fertility problems to conceive your daughter and he wants to act like this and cause you all this stress and anxiety whilst pregnant!!!!!!

I would write back that I have heard and understood his viewpoint however you will be going ahead with name you chose. He can then decide how much of a long term hissy fit he wants to throw and you carry on your life.

Honestly people can be such pricks.

MargotChateau · 01/11/2022 06:42

There is a tradition on my paternal side for all the first boys to have a middle name from a male relative that saved my great great etc grandfather in civil war some time ago….. anyway my eldest brother has the middle name, and then my father decided that I was his favourite and should carry this name on too. Lord knows how many people have this name in my family and I’m not bothered. It’s a middle name. Other than my partner and my best friends who the heck knows what my middle name is anyway.

Is your brothers wife annoying if you say this is out of character for him? Perhaps she put the thought in his head?

user1477391263 · 01/11/2022 06:42

To the poster who asked, yes my mum had a middle name which I guess I could use.

Don't cave and give your child a different name; if you do, your brother will probably just find other things to be possessive about-- moaning that you got the same pram as them, that your daughter's hairstyle is too similar to theirs, that you stole their birthday cake idea, that your daughter's christening or whatever clashes with something they had planned for their daughter. Some people turn into competitive weirdos when it comes to their kids.

Windmille · 01/11/2022 06:45

You should give it as a first name now instead!

TeenDivided · 01/11/2022 06:49

Tell him you'll think about it, then don't mention it further until you announce it as her middle name after the birth.
This gives him time to get used to it without unnecessary arguments.
You'll always regret it if you don't use it.
(It would make a lovely first name though.)

JenniferWooley · 01/11/2022 06:51

Swannning · 31/10/2022 22:16

Oh just another thought, (Scottish) DP tells me it's very usual for children in NE Scotland to be given their mother's maiden name as a middle name so there must be thousands of people who share middle names with their cousins.

This is dying out I think thank god because I have it & it's bloody awful name as I can't think of anyone from my generation that's carried the tradition on.

My grandmother was one of 9, my great grandfather (her dad) was one of 14 so we have lots of James, David, William & Andrews in the wider family & every first son in my generation was given their own fathers name with those without their grandfathers name as their first name having it as a middle name - we just have big James, wee James etc.

DGS has the same middle name as DS both after my stepfather who passed away when I was pregnant with DS.

OP use the name - your brother will get over it but agree with PP that it's likely SIL who has had a whinge but you'll regret not using it if it means so much to you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy x

coodawoodashooda · 01/11/2022 06:59

DeoForty · 31/10/2022 21:57

He's being daft.

Id be tempted to upgrade it to her first name, since he doesn't want them having the same middle name...

I'd do this

coodawoodashooda · 01/11/2022 06:59

I reckon it's your sil not your dB..

Dibbydoos · 01/11/2022 07:01

Your DB is being churlish.

Don't discuss it anymore with him. Call your DC what you want to call her.

My DH wanted my children to know their heritage, our DD has my maiden name as her middle name and our DS has it as his first name. Neither of them moan about it...

Aerielview · 01/11/2022 07:02

Honour your mum's memory by giving your daughter her name, op. It's a middle name, and your brother is completely overreacting. What makes him think he has a monopoly on your mum's name? And for perspective, ask him what he thinks your mum would have to say about the matter.

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 01/11/2022 07:04

Ridiculous of your DB. In my paternal side of the family every single girl - me included- has the same middle name to honour a long lost family member. There are currently (quickly counts aunts and cousins and children of cousins) 18 of us with the same middle name. We love the connection that way.

Your DB does not have dibs on any name, particularly in the situation you describe.