Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
DarkNecessities · 01/11/2022 07:39

It’s a middle name, ignore him and don’t let it spoil the lovely tribute to your DM.

I avoided the middle name of my DGM for DD as a niece already had it and then inadvertently gave her the middle name of another niece! No-one minded except me as I should have stuck to my original one

JanetSally · 01/11/2022 07:41

He's being ridiculous.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 01/11/2022 07:42

This has made me remember that when I was pregnant with dd, the first name I'd picked if she was a boy was the same as her cousin's middle name. I never gave it a second thought! You shouldn't have to change your choice. Your brother might not be happy now but he'll get over it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
DosCervezas · 01/11/2022 07:44

Your brother cannot dictate what name you give your child. He doesn't own or have any privilege over any name.
It wasn't that long ago that it was common for siblings and one of the parents to share first names.
It looks like he has some deeper issues to address actually, no right thinking person would behave as he has towards you.

Whoopsies · 01/11/2022 07:46

Ridiculous. We have our ds my FILs name as a middle name (it is a "family name" and it happened to also be a name connected to my family so was perfect) Sil had a boy a few years later and gave him the same middle name. I thought it was lovely!

BeggarsMeddle · 01/11/2022 07:51

Middle names are traditionally used to honour older relatives or relatives who've passed. Your brother is being pompous and acting entitled. Ignore him.

Charcy · 01/11/2022 07:51

Yanbu

Bloody hell, My daughter has the first name the same as her cousins middle name as it's a family name. Tbh I never even dreamt of asking him, and I'm 100% certain he doesn't care 😅

Your brother sounds like a knobhead, he'll get over it or he wont but please don't lose any sleep over it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way 😊

user1471538283 · 01/11/2022 07:52

Use your mother's name! I would use it as a first name if he kept on like this!

We have a set of family names and most boys have the family name as a middle name. Lots of the girls have some variation on the female family name.

It is about honoring your DM and it is a family name, not something he can just have. She would be so delighted to have two DCD with her name!

Rosenotred · 01/11/2022 07:52

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 31/10/2022 21:48

YANBU. But do you need to tell him what your DD's middle name is? Obviously don't lie, but don't volunteer that info either unless they ask outright.

Cats out the bag now it's too late now. OP should not have to lie this isn't that much different from Cousins having the same surnames. Nobody really asks about your middle name anyway. Nobody trumps this one it's free for all!

MaryBeardsShoes · 01/11/2022 07:55

What a dickhead. Use it as a first name OP 🤣

Charcy · 01/11/2022 07:56

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2022 21:51

What you have to ask yourself is, are you prepared to fall out with your DB about this? Yes, he’s being an arse about it, but he probably thinks the same about you. Did your mum only have one first name or is there another one you can use?

Nahhh

  1. People don't tend to have two first names as a rule.
  2. It's not her falling out with him, its him falling out (potentially) with her. He needs to grow up and stop being a selfish ass.

Op, message him and ask how his wife would have felt if this was the other way round. Empathy is hard to come by these days unless you force someone to put themselves in your shoes.

daretodenim · 01/11/2022 07:59

I can see the fuss if his DD's first name was Victoria - although he still would be overreacting. But for a middle name..?

My first thought was also to use it as a first name. And I don't think it would be any way inappropriate- although perhaps you'd rather the name as a middle name.

He's BU. Don't reply. Leave him to it. Your mum was equally important to you and he maybe needs time to come to terms with that. I've heard of older siblings thinking they lost more when the parent died early because they'd been around them more than the younger sibling. Not true, but grief isn't quite logical. If he continues you may need to point out that your mother would have been happy to have both granddaughters with her name. And it's not about him.

UnicornPaintedOrnament · 01/11/2022 07:59

My DD has the same middle name as her cousin on her dads side, it's caused no issues. People think it's because of a relative of ExHs, but DDs is after a relative of mine and the cousin is adopted and had that name already. They both have very different first names so there's no confusion even though they have the same surname (for example my DD is Isabella Elizabeth Smith and her cousin is Robyn Elizabeth Smith).

My cousins DC both have the same middle name, it causes no issues at all and they both like it.

Middle names are just that. I never even use mine apart from on official documents like my passport and driving license. I hate it so don't even acknowledge it otherwise.

Solonge · 01/11/2022 08:00

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

Show him this thread….he will realise his views are stupid according to the majority of people.

SlashBeef · 01/11/2022 08:00

Yanbu! A few of my cousins have my Nans name as their middle name. As far as I know nobody kicked off about it.

hopalongnowplease · 01/11/2022 08:03

I'd be tempted to say that if he doesn't want you using it as a middle name then you'll use it as a first name instead!

MrsClatterbuck · 01/11/2022 08:03

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

I have my grandmother's name as a middle name along with 2 cousins.
Was never a problem
I'm the 2nd born of the three.
My mum and my 2 aunts were fine about it.

Ihatethedawnchorus · 01/11/2022 08:22

He's being ridiculous, one of my dds has my dms name as a middle name as does one of my dsis. My other dd has a relatives name as a middle name and my dsis other daughter has it as a first name(relative didn't have dc and would be delighted to know she hadn't been forgotten)

Hellno44 · 01/11/2022 08:22

I would use the name as the babies first name. It's your mum as well. He doesn't own the name. Don't discuss it again and only announce the name after registration.

Tomtit · 01/11/2022 08:24

Use it as her first name instead.

BluePinkRed · 01/11/2022 08:25

My family often have the same middle names for no particular reason, by choice and quite happily - we like it. A non-issue and your Brother completely U.

Use the name!

BooksAreSaferThanPeople · 01/11/2022 08:26

Your brother is a muppet.

My nephew who is younger than my son has my son's middle name for his first name. It's not even a family name, we just seem to have similar tastes. There's a year between them. Doesn't bother me in the slightest!

Lwren · 01/11/2022 08:27

Tell him to fuck off or your DD will be named Victoria as a first name, cheeky fucker he is.
I don't understand people who think they own names, unless you call your child a made up word as a name, you don't have a right to moan. Cheeky Fuckery if ever I've heard it.

ElizabethBest · 01/11/2022 08:28

Wait until he learns about the 80s, where every single girl had the middle name Louise……

MiniCooperLover · 01/11/2022 08:36

Yep, he's definitely being ridiculous! Are you sure it's led by him and not SIL? If not SIL can you talk to her at some point? I'd leave it for now. You've still got what, another 20 weeks to go? Leave it and let it rest and then just use the name when the time comes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread