Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

[FarrahMoon]

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

Every female in my family has the same middle name across 4 (maybe 5) generations. We all have different first names.

Every firstborn male in my family has the same first name. The firstborns all have different second names to differentiate between them (useful when bank statements fir both father and son are sent to the same address).

The other males in the family, well, it wouldn’t surprise me if the there is some repetition of midd'e names. But I don’t actually know. Mostly because I don’t actually care what their middle names are.

Short version - your brother is an idiot. Ignore him. Name your child after your mother. (I did).

Your brother is being ridiculous. My ds and nephew have the same middle name. It’s my dads name.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy. Please try to be strong over this and not give in to what is effectively bullying behaviour from your brother. You will regret it if you allow him to control what you do or do not call your baby and will despise yourself later. You know his behaviour is completely unacceptable so be kind but firm. Stand up for what you know to be right.

He's being ridiculous.
You are not copying his daughter's name. You are giving your child your mother's name and you have as much right to do that as he does.

Don't back down and don't try to convince him to 'let' you.
She was my mum as well and I am giving my daughter her name. Your daughter is actually irrelevant in my decision Is the line you need to take.

Although don't say the last bit out loud or it'll start ww 3!

Your DB is ridiculous.

Lots of people use 'family names' particularly for middle names.

I was born in the mid 1960s, it was virtually the law for girls to have 'Louise' as a middle name and boys had 'Simon' as a first or second name.

PLEASE just enjoy this much longer for pregnancy. Don't let him ruin this for you!

Just use it and don't tell him. It's none of his business.

YANBU !!
what the hell.

FIRSTLY sorry for your loss and a massive congratulations on your baby girl !!

Your DB is been VERY unreasonable. Both myself and my cousin have my grandmothers middle name (it’s the name she went by) as our middle name and if anything it’s something that ties us together if that makes sense. Plus a lovely nod to my late grandmother,

if you want to name YOUR child that name I would go ahead and do it. You could of discussed it if he brought it up at dinner but he waited and then txt you. Is this normal behaviour for your DB or could your SIL be upset regarding the name and has had your DB txt you? just a thought as this has happened to me in a different situation and it was actually my SIL who was upset about what I was doing m, not my brother (just made me think as he must of known you would want to do this so it shouldn’t of been a shock to him)

Regardless of who it is they are been unreasonable. Your DB doesn’t have a monopoly on that name. If this was my DB in the same situation I would be VERY upset regarding his behaviour and attitude. Especially him knowing your fertility issue and how precious this baby is to you. He needs to sort it out !!

Gosh I’m outraged for you!

However if you did want to keep the peace and let your DB have his tantrum along with your mums first name as their child’s middle name. Could you use your mums middle name as your child’s middle name? Or even a nickname that she was known as ( Eg - Prince Harry has named him little girl the nickname given to the late queen) as any of these could be a beautiful nod to your mum.

I do not think I could back down in this instance as I feel he’s been slightly childish but if you did want to save the argument that’s an option and if not I honestly believe you are not been u reasonable to want to honour and remember your mum x

YANBU. Your brother is being ridiculous.

Carry on as you were and try and ignore his tantrums. He will probably get over it fairly quickly.

Your bothers response is based on emotion. He’s built up a whole set of emotions based on his child carrying on his Mums name. Now there will be another child carrying on his mums name. Which in his eyes lessens the sentiment. Obliviously, it doesn’t but that’s not how he sees it, for now. Give him some time to digest this new information to him about how your mums name, is now a family name.
yes he is being unreasonable about it, but this whole narrative he’s built up about his child carrying on the name, exclusively is now going to change. My advice would be to tread carefully, but also stand your ground. Remember that you also have for years emotionally attached your mums name to your future child.

He’s being absolutely ridiculous. I hope in time he reflects on this, and feels embarrassed.

Do not back out of using that name OP! She was your Mum too.

Wow I’m usually in the “pick another name” camp, but this time it’s your brother who is being completely unreasonable. It’s a middle name and it was your mum’s name!

I don’t think names are worth falling out over… but he’s being very unreasonable here.

I can’t help but agree with the poster who said “He thinks it conveys some sort of status on his daughter. That she is THE BEST honour of your mum. In turn, he thinks it conveys a similar status on him.”

Yep, my Mum comes from a big Irish family, and there's loads of name reuse within and across generations, and that's just the first names. I will often have conversations with my Mum about Auntie X, and have to clarify whether she's talking about her Aunt or mine, as they both have the same name. She also has the same first name as her cousin and my sister, but uses her middle name most of the time. Then there's another cousin who has the same name as his Dad, who's known to all as "Young Y", and my Mum's brother had that as his first name too, but was also known by his middle name. It's great fun doing family history research as you have to check the DOBs carefully to make sure that the person whose details you're looking at is actually the person you think they are.

OP, as everyone else has said, your brother is being a right div here. You choosing the same middle name as his daughter is hardly the crime of the century, even if it wasn't motivated by the perfectly natural desire to pay tribute to your Mum. There's no monopoly on carrying on your Mum's name - it's not like Highlander with the "there can only be one" thing - and I agree with other posters that it's disrespectful to you to try to dictate what you call your child in such an apparently high handed way. Try not to let your brother being weird put you off, because it is a lovely idea, although it is probably worth letting the discussion slide for the moment as you don't need the stress.

Totally normal for cousins to share a middle name, especially if it is the name of a deceased family member. Think of Princess Charlotte and Lilibet who both have the middle name Diana. I’m also pretty sure several of the other kids in that generation have the middle names Elizabeth and Phillip. I would try not to fall out with your brother though. Try and gently explain that your daughter having your mum’s name will not take anything away from his daughter’s name, in fact it will make it even more special. The cousins will be linked together forever and that link will be your mum. I’m sure your mum would love it.

My sister's and I all share a name e.g Victoria Kate, Sarah Victoria, Elizabeth Jane Victoria. A tradition which has now been passed on to our children. It's a lovely way to connect family and honour family members who have passed. See if your brother can see it from that pov

Of course it's not unreasonable, he doesn't own the name and it's equally important to both of you. When dh aunt died he wanted to name our dd after her and so did another relation so both kids have a variation of her name in their names.

How ridiculous your brother is being! My daughter has the same middle name as her older cousin because it’s the name of their great Nan, and also the name has meaning for my husband’s family. No issues at all and my niece was very happy for my daughter to have the same name as it’s hardly used anyway apart from when we fill out forms!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you use the name! 😊

Your brother is being ridiculous. And it's not even a first name.
I have a first cousin with the same first name as mine....we're both named after the same beloved grandmother (her father's mother, my mother's mother). And my dd and my cousin's dd and my other cousin's dd all have the same first name after our beloved grandmother. My ds' first name is in every generation multiple times in my mother's family. This is normal in Italian and Jewish families.

Are you sure this is coming from your brother and not his wife?

And how dare they dampen your joy after 7 years of struggling.

@FarrahMoon when we had our ds we gave him dh’s grandads name as a middle name.
18 months later dh’s db gave his ds the same name as a first name.
We all said how nice and got on with our lives because that’s what normal people do.

Yanbu but your db is.
I would quietly get on and do your own thing.

OP’s brother is an arse.

Seriously, one of my middle names is the same as my grandmother’s and one of my cousins (sadly died young) had the same middle name.

My sister has a middle name that is widely used in our family.

It’s common to reuse names, no one can claim a right to a name or demand no one else can use it.

If he really wanted his daughter to have your Mum's name, but also for it to be unique, then he needed to discuss this with you before naming her, and get your agreement. He doesn't get to apply this as a rule now.

If it were a name without family ties and you were just copying, I could understand annoyance, but he still wouldn't get to ban you from using a name, he doesn't own it. But it's a family name, he really should have expected you'd want to use it too.

He's being ridiculous, and YANBU.

Your brother is a twat, he can't dictate what you name your daughter

So he can honour your mother by giving his daughter her middle name, but you can't do the same?

Tell him to jog on. How many times do we actually use or discuss middle names in real life?

Your brother is being ridiculous.

Your brother is being really stupid TBH.

It's a middle name and it is your mum's name. I think it's lovely that the cousins will share a middle name in honour of their grandmother.

I bet if you had enabled voting it would be 100% YANBU.

Do you think your brother could handle reading this thread or would he double down on his idiotic stance?