I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

Do you live together? You say you aren’t married but you don’t say if you live together or not.

There does seem to be a massive imbalance on money here though

Sorry you so say, serves me right there

You do need a serious discussion about finances here. Maybe set up an account where it all goes in, both yours and his.

Then the bills go out of that account, and you two get what’s left over split between you

He is financially abusing you. You need to stop paying for the car and tell him to start sharing the cash: he must know you’re struggling. One pair of jeans? How have you not got other clothes? He is taking the piss out of you big time. Why are you paying for all food? And no doubt doing all chores?

Yes we live together, have done for 13 years. Initially I was working and we kept finances separate but split evenly, then our youngest was born, her needs became apparent and I gave up work to care for her. Finances changed to reflect that, I thought fairly but now I see it’s not.

He's abusive and he knows it. He won't change.

I actually divorced my now exh for this. Financial abuse op. I was borrowing money to pay bills while he ate out every lunchtime and played golf and pool several times a week
.

What kind of a man hides his income from his disabled child? What a fucking loser.

He is, but I don’t know if it’s intentional. I have spoken, at length about struggling and he behaves as though we all as a family are, hence my acceptance of us being in the situation together.

re clothes, I generally end up having to buy fast fashion as it’s all I can afford, as such it doesn’t last, my other jeans have holes in the inner thighs that are just too noticeable now to get away with.

I pay for all the food as that was our “fair” split, he pays the mortgage and bills, I pay for food and kids stuff. It felt fair at the time, not so much today.

Yes, I do all the housework, kids stuff, medical stuff and appointments, therapies with youngest etc.

I think I just want it to be a miscommunication, a misunderstanding that after a frank discussion can be fixed. Neither the two of us relish talking about money so it’s maybe not been spoken about in clear enough terms.

Is your name in the mortgage op?

Neither of you relish talking about money because the situation is unfair and you both know it. Would he swap postions? Of course not, he knows he's got you over a barrel.

This isn't on, at all. You should pool what you have jointly and make sure you can both have an equal amount of disposable and saveable money monthly after all the bills are settled.

This is why I feel stupid and embarrassed, no my name isn’t on the mortgage. I was moving jobs when we were buying and so he was the sole mortgage holder.

I come from a family where no one has ever owned a home so I really didn’t understand the process, so we agreed he would get the mortgage and pay it and I would half for other bills etc.

I’m mortified, I sound like an absolute moron and just so naive.

So he thinks he pays the mortgage and you pay everything else? Perhaps in his mind it's because he thinks that means the house is only his?

He cannot choose this. You have de facto being paying into the home for years.

(But yes - this is financial abuse.)

First thing you need to insist on, is having your name on the mortgage.

If he argues about that, that says everything.

100% This

Re mortgage, my husband and I own jointly and applied together. Affordability all based on my wages as he counted as self employed for the lender as he is employed by a company in which he holds majority of shares. We didn’t submit anything on his income. We’re with Barclays.

This is really awful OP.

Agree with all the other posters, this is no miscommunication - he's deliberately withholding money. Of course he knows he should be paying for the car, a share of the food etc.

I'm really unsure about why you didn't ask him about finances 13 years ago, and have a clear plan then?

You need to address this urgently, for your security & that if your DC.

Have you a family member you could confide in who might be able to help when you raise it with your partner?

is there specific food he likes that you buy?

stop buying it

He’s making sure he pays the mortgage in his sole name because he knows that as you aren’t married you will likely have no claim on the property when he dumps you. He’ll dump you when you start being difficult about money. You are very vulnerable here I’m afraid.

I have literally no one, the inheritance came from my last existing parent and I haven’t got a single friend (pathetic but I’m very much an introvert).

I plan on having the whole thing out with him. I’m mortified, beyond upset but I need this sorted.

So you literally had no idea what his salary was?
He's on a salary of 35-40K after tax?
Why would he hide that from you?

I can understand how this happens. It comes from a good place - with you - where you thought you were both in this together.

I similarly am not on our mortgage because of my job at the time and now I'm facing this conversation.

You are not a moron op, he is.

You'd probably be better off financially (definitely emotionally) without him. He is financially abusing you.

How much do you spend on food? And then the car, you need to stop paying for that.