I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

I’m spending on average £80/ week on food for 5 people 1 cat. 2 children have allergies which increases the bill as they can’t have dairy or eggs, all the children take packed lunches (when at school), I’ll often have coffee instead of eating. I try to make things stretch as far as possible. When I’ve been able to get it down in the past I’ve been able to do a cinema trip or similar. I’ve used a food bank a couple of times but I need to get a bus there and often can’t manage that cost.

I honestly sound fucking hopeless and pathetic. I feel really stupid.

How many children do you have? You mention one with SN - are there any others? How old are they?

We have 3 children, only our youngest has SN.

You're not hopeless or pathetic or stupid, but what you have been up until is probably too trusting, gullible and rather naïve.

Fine. That ends today, for the sake of the future health and happiness of you and your children.

The first thing you need to do is sit down with your partner and create a full and very detailed budget, then you account for every penny of income - it doesn't matter who earns it or where it arises from, you are a family and therefore all money is family money.

If he's not willing to do that, then yes, as PPs have said you are being financially abused and you are living in an abusive relationship.

I have seen MN be a terrific source of help and support to women in your situation and I'm sure you can benefit from many on here - there's also Women's Aid and various other resources (including Cats' Protection, which can be very helpful if you need to relocate and potentially temporarily have your pet fostered while you get back on your feet) which will help you get sorted and leave, if that's ultimately what you want to do.

Don't beat yourself up op.
You didn't know before, but now you do.
You would only be a fool if you continued with the status quo, knowing what you now know

OP you are not at fault here. I am sending you massive hugs i was in the same boat with my ex and its no fun struggling and going without when they are hiding it all.

I'm on maternity pay for 3rd dd. DH got paid Monday and transfered money to my account to pay for the kids clothes as dd2 has just outgrown everything in the last 2 weeks and pays for the car finance for the car I drive the kids around in. I filled the tank and he will top it up the rest of the month. DH noticed i put two tops in the bin cause they had holes in them and gave me his bank card to get replacements.

What your DP is doing is abusive and he knows it there is no way he doesn't realise that you are going without. You should not be paying for everything for the kids that you share.

He’s just come back. I’m going to settle the children to watch something then speak to him, I’m too anxious to hold off till after they’re in bed (besides my youngest is normally up till the small hours).

Get yourself on EntitledTo and work out how much you'd get without this selfish, abusive man. I'll bet it's more than you get now and you'd be able to have more than one pair of jeans, plus he will have to pay child support. If you had to leave it might actually be a positive thing you're not on the mortgage, less complicated to claim housing benefit.

Good luck

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have gone without and made sacrifices to do the best you could for your children. I don't know how you have coped, you sound like a hero to me. You truly believed you had no choice. Now you know different.

Hope you can resolve things and there's an explanation. Good luck

Of course this is intentional. Be prepared for him to be very nasty. He isn't going to like you confronting him about his money one little bit.

Remember that you have supported him to work for years whilst looking after the home and his children. If you walked out, ask him to consider how much he’d need to get a career for your youngest, a cleaner, a cook, childcare etc. You are his most valuable asset and he needs to treat you as such.

I hope you can get this sorted out, @Amigettingfuckedover. My heart goes out to you.

You are in a very dangerous position here. Not married and not on the mortgage.

I lived through something similar - ex controlling finances and me having to ask for handouts. It’s financial abuse. Sadly, there is little recourse with respect to the house because it appears he never intended to put you on the mortgage or deeds. If you can demonstrate intention, there may be a chance but it will cost around 50k to fight it out in court.

You will be better off without a man like this. He will not change. It made me sad reading your post as I can fully empathize with what you are going through. Please have a think what outcome you wish to achieve and how YOU will make changes to better your finances eg stop paying for car.

What an utter utter cunt

So sorry to hear you're in this position OP

And I want to add you aren’t pathetic or stupid. You are a kind and giving mother who trusted her OH. I’m not a stupid person by any stretch of the imagination, but I look back and question the decisions I made. I guess you can’t imagine being fucked over, and control of finances becomes the absolute norm that you internalise. It’s only after I left my relationship did it click what ex was doing.

You'll get great support here.

OP, you've been together for so long. I'm not trying to sound accusing when I ask, but how did you not know what kind of wage he is on? Surely you know what job he does?

Please dont beat yourself up about this. You have been incredibly trusting and he is the one who has let you down. Fully separate finances don't work when one person isn't working full time in my opinion. I would make sure you start November with him paying a LOT larger share. It's up to you to work out what you feel is fair.

Good luck I hope you get it sorted. My heart really goes out to you.

You're not stupid at all. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm thinking of you. I hope you can have an honest discussion and get something sorted out.

Have you any real life support who can help you?
I really feel for you.

You need to stop beating yourself up my love. It's not your fault this at all. It's his.

please go and see citizens advice. They can help with all sorts of financial questions - housing, benefits etc.

see if you can return some presents you've bought. As heartbreaking as it is you need that money for more important things.

speak to women's aid about rehousing you and the DC in the immediate term.

Do you work OP? Even a part time job would assist- could you get a part time job whilst the kids are at school?

As a PP said can you return the car? Citizens advice or womens aid may be able to help you get out of a car deal etc.

You poor poor thing. The best of luck