I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

He needs to know that you have a claim. It would be a fight and expensive (don’t tell him that) but likely you could establish beneficial interest in the property in this situation. You would need specialised legal advice though.

That sounds good but ultimately if the account is in his name it doesn't matter what he writes on the transfers, it's still his money.

Get the money transferred into an account in your name. Then it is really yours and your protection for the future. If he is unwilling to do this then you need to decide on his true motivation.

Get your name on the deeds asap.

HRTFT but who fills in the forms for tax credit renewals? Do they have the correct numbers for his income if he earns four times what you thought? You don't want an overpayment. Also your 'pension' account, you are (I think) allowed £6,000 before your legacy benefits are affected. How much is in savings?
Has marriage not come up?

Relieved to hear the talk was constructive and this sounds promising. As PP have said, best to speak to a financial adviser and of course check to see he follows through with putting your name on the house.

If he is serious about the payments being towards your pension perhaps it should be made more official as right now you have no claim to the money.

That's a truly terrible way to save a "pension". Why hasn't he been putting it in a private pension fund? That money won't grow much over the years so won't last you long in retirement and won't pay out a regular payment like an actual pension would. Also I can't comprehend for a second why he never told you he was doing this?! Such a weird thing to keep secret. And agree with pp, as you're not married you have NO claim to that money if you split. The fact the payments are titled "your name pension" means fuck all legally

You say you get legacy benefits, how are the renewal forms completed without his income? Or indeed the original application?
You cannot claim tax credits without them knowing household income

Does anyone else feel that this so called "pension" account is very calculated?

I hope that means your name is added to the deeds. Don't let him 'forget' about that. There are pension schemes he can put the money in that you control. While it's in his name it his money. Get married, it gives you huge protection under the law.

Ask him to put the pension money into a proper pension account in your name.

You would be richer with him gone.

I think is a really good outcome OP.

I don’t see the point in having a pension pot if you’re struggling day to day.
I assume you don’t be out of work forever so when you have 2 larger incomes then you can put more away for your pension.

Does he have his own savers account?

If not I would be very suspicious that he’s saving money ‘for you’ but doesn’t have a rainy day fund for himself, as that’s what everyone should do if they can afford it.

If he said it was his savings fund I would think fair enough as that’s what MNers tell us to do all of the time but for him to make out like it’s for your benefit would really annoy me.

I would also look into getting married or having my name on the mortgage asap.

OP this 'pension ' pot would worry me a little and the fact the he has failed to mention it.

As @girlmom21 says get this in your name and into a proper account , so you can access it if anything happens to your DP.

Sorry is that money in his account. It can have any description he likes but that's his money with a fancy description. Dont mess about trying to add your name just get married registry office job if needed it will cost way less than getting a solicitor and adding you to some deeds. It sounds like you have made a good start but more to do.

Yes it was either a very bizarre idea by him (and why wasn't it mentioned before now?!) or he was covering his back for when the day came that OP questioned him...

OP please get the money moved into a proper pension scheme/SIPP in your name, or even just a savings account if you would prefer access to the money now.

Covering his back for the day when the op confronted him is exactly what this "pension" account is all about. If he really cared about her financial future, her name would be on the account, on the house, and they would be married.

Don't be fooled by all of this smoke and mirrors, op.

The so-called 'pension' for you should be paid into an actual pension so that tax can be reclaimed (possible even if you don't pay tax, up to a certain amount). It then won't count as savings and also can't be taken away from you if he changes his mind.

Hope you both get things straightened out x

I'm really glad you've had a reasonable outcome from your discussion. It's so easy to jump in the band wagon with the LTB & think the negative as this is so often the case on MN.
Keep having the financial conversations - do it regularly and it will feel more normal
Now you've opened that door, set aside time and appointments to get your name on the mortgage / pension account
Discuss monthly expenses : eg - tell him what you need for yourself & budget for things you need without any sense of guilt or feeling like your asking for money - you're in a partnership: work together in this. You've faced into the difficult conversation already, keep the momentum going on money talk - you'll both feel better for it.
Good luck - I'm really glad that you've started a conversation in this

It sounds like he is not a rotter after all! and you just need to discuss things properly and reorganise your finances.

You should be so proud of yourself for having the balls to have this discussion, sending so much love

As others have said, you need a very short conversation with him along the lines of “I’m booking the registry office, when are you free?”

I don't think he is naive. I think he is extremely calculating and you are naive.

Pension for you that only he knew about? That only he could access?

Absolute BS.

Is he taking you shopping OP to get you a proper wardrobe so you're not worrying about your one pair of jeans? I think he needs to.

Its hard to know whats going on - is he finacially astute and shafting you, with the 'pension' being a front for if and when you call him out.
How much is in that account - if he is earning 4 x the amount you believed, and you are just about scraping with your contributions, then is the entire excess going into 'your' pension, if taking over the car payments is going to reduce it by that amount. Im still a little on the side of fishy. Plus of course, being unmarried, if he should die, then that pension disappears with him, going to your children or, if they are under 18, potentially other family members. If he truly is saying that its for your protection, then A. why didnt he discuss it with you, and B. why isnt it into an account in your name

Or is he financially illiterate.

If you are continuing with this splitting of the payments according to your income, then it needs divvying up more fairly, so that you both have a more equal amount of spare money at the end of the day. Bear in mind that if he had to PAY a housekeeper / SEN carer it would cost him thousands. You are saving him an absolute fortune in childcare, your contribution is actually very valuable.

You should suggest meeting a financial adviser, maybe on the guise of 'we have problems communicating about money' to see the best way to split/protect. See what you both need to cover in wills. Of course the biggest protection he could give you would be to ensure that you are on the mortgage/deeds.

I second this OP, I'm still not sure of his intentions but well done for confronting straight him away, hopefully you are headed in the right direction now.