I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

Me too.

Hope your chat brings positive changes
There's no way he doesn't realise he's financially abusing you
Thinking of you and your DC

I'm so sorry OP. Been there, done that and now trying to find my way out. Hopefully your partner is a better man than mine once you have talked .

I also think you need to check you are receiving all the benefits. You should be claiming carers for you looking after soon and look into universal credit too.
There is a website called entitledto.com that should help. You would need to know your partners income for this

I’m so sorry. He is a total shit. You and your children deserve so much better. This is financial abuse. This is actually a crime. Report the fucker to the Police.

She won't get universal credit if sh!tbag dh works full time especially with the amount he's earning

Oh OP. I can only imagine how awful this must be for you. What a rotter he is

I'm sorry to hear you're in this position OP 💐

Op. That is no way to live. You’ve put up with this for years, please don’t any longer. He should be putting his income direct deposit into one account in both your names. I would tell him to do that immediately, I would not take no for an answer.

Are there any facilities there that could help take on care for your high needs son? Here in the USA, there are places that help educate and then provide jobs to young people, even living onsite once adults. This takes pressure off the parents and lets both have time to work a job during the day while child is at the school/work facility. That way you could find a job, however I understand that is not possible for you right now. In any case, tell him to start direct deposit ASAP into one account with both your names.

I know you’re not married, but my husband’s checks go straight into direct deposit into our one account and I do all the financial stuff. Works great for us for 26 years. There is no way I’d put up with a man who kept his income secret and away from me when it’s needed to help the household etc. unless he is a violent sort of person, go right up to him and tell him. Be confident. The crucial part of all this is you knowing your worth. You can do this. No reason to cry and get upset. Tell him you will take charge of the money from now on.

I hope you're ok OP

As an interim measure can you go to a food bank each week? Getting food there will help you and bring it home to him how bad things are. Open yourself a savings account he knows nothing about and put that money aside as your emergency fund. I would be saying a joint account where you both contribute to cost of all bills, including mortgage. Contributions need to be proportional to the money each of you has.

I hope you’re okay, this thread has made me so sad and I feel terrible for you x

Update.

After a really very long night and difficult conversations some things have been clarified, somethings have not but one thing is a definite, we are awful with talking about money and it needs to change.

He absolutely denies purposefully putting me and the children in this situation, he says he honestly didn’t know it was as bad as it is for me, that may be partly true, I have for a while been cutting my cloth to within an inch to make things spread which I suppose gives the optics of me managing whilst really not. I wasn’t exactly explicit when speaking about things being needed but thought I made it obvious, he agreed he should have known. These are the things that need further conversations and fixed.

As for the money, as a previous poster said if he had been spending it I would have noticed but I know it wasn’t being spent. This was really the focus of the discussion.

He told me that since I gave up work to care for our youngest he has been putting a large sum of money into an account as my “pension” as he was worried I’d not be able to pay into one again. I asked for proof of that (he was very hurt by this, but regardless he’s kept things from me), he has shown me the account and each payment in says name pension with no withdrawals. This obviously encouraged the discussion about me struggling now not in 25+ years.

The immediate outcome is he is now paying for the car, the clubs and has set up a direct debit to pay money to my account every month. He is worried that it means less going into the pension account and I’ll struggle when the time comes, that still needs further discussion.

We have a lot to fix and change, we’ve both been enormously stupid, immature and naive but I feel with much more work we can figure it out (provided the new status quo plays out).

I brought up the house and there’s been an agreement that my name will be added but it’s not done yet so this is yet to play out.

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. I know there’s a ways to go and I still need to be alert but I think we might have a chance of things being better.

Well at least he hasn't spent it. And it should now be the end of your money worries. Get your name on the house and you'll be alright. Really glad at this outcome OP

That's a good update. Just make sure he does actually follow through with what he's promised.

I’d want that “pension” account in my own name so he can’t make withdrawals. However it’s not sustainable as eventually you’ll have over 6k and have to declare the capital to the legacy benefits ( unless it’s just tax credits although eventually you’ll move over to UC and then you’ll need to declare it).

Id want all finances and accounts on the table.
id want my name on the mortgage.
All money to go into one account and then allocated according to family need.
I bet your name is solely on all the bills.

Regarding your pension. You need proper advise. “Saving” for a pension in a separate account isn’t tax efficient.

Also I’d actually consider the vulnerable position you are in as you aren’t married. Pension, death in service benefits ( are you named) bereavement benefits. House. Im not saying to marry him ( the relationship isn’t good at all tbh) but to be aware of this.

You both need to speak to a financial advisor (they are usually free) to find out the best way to invest for your pension.

It may be better to have the house in joint names and over pay the mortgage and yes this pension money needs to be in your name.

As you aren't married you are so financially vulnerable.

Also make sure you are in receipt of Carers allowance. Not only for the money but your national insurance credit towards state pension.
You get this if youngest child is under 12 too.

www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits/eligibility

That sounds very positive Op - still a long way to go but definitely moving in the right direction.

I'd agree about seeing a financial adviser to get the best advice on how to financially secure your retirement. The pension should properly be in your own name in the most tax efficient way possible. Definitely get your name on the house too so that you're protected. Agree also re your NI stamp - you can check your status on the government website and make payments to ensure you get the full pension when the time comes.

It sounds to me like your "pension" is just a savings account of his. It's not your pension in anything other than his word. Pensions are a completely different product than a savings account.

I'd seek professional advice based on the information you now have, to protect yourself financially as much as possible going forward, and in turn, the children. It's not many people's favourite topic, but it's crucial given your situation.

Also. Try and see if you can direct some of the wages to a help to save account for you both. We put £50 a month in to one each. The bonus is 50% of input savings at the end of year 2 and 4. That’s a better use of that “pension” money until you can get financial advice.

Completely agree. This "pension pot" can be withdrawn by him at any time. There is no protection and it needs to be considered as his saving in any financial discussions.

I would be telling that that you want to get married at the earliest.