I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

bloody right too!!

How dare he hold a savings account in HIS BLOODY NAME for you??

That's a good update and a great first step but as you know, there's still a long way to go. I do think a lot of men don't mean to be financial dickheads and CAN change, but it doesn't necessarily come easily so it's going to be about figuring it out over the next few weeks/months.

Agree with PP though - saving for a pension is great, but it should be done properly. Get proper financial advice or at least go online to one of those online pension service firms to figure out options. It makes far more sense to do a pension properly - there are tax benefits and the money will be invested rather than just sitting in a savings account earning 1% interest or less.

Get married!!!

Have the pension money invested into a proper pension fund so it can grow and he can't spend it.

If he really sees you as an equal and wants to protect you for the future as he claims, he will:

Marry you. If he tries the 'we can't afford it' then there's no need to save for a big fancy wedding, this can be at a registry office for next to no money as it's frankly about protection and equality, not romance.

Name you on the mortgage.

Transfer the pension pot into a savings account that is in your name and accessible by you.

If he won't do all of these things, he hasn't really got your best interests at heart.

Covering his back for a rainy day…don’t be fooled by smoke and mirrors

Absolutely, OP. Tell him you want
your name placed immediately on his savings account (for that’s truly what it’s been);
your name on the mortgage asap;
all moneys in your bank account from today;
him to trust you as you’ve trusted him.

If he doesn’t like it, you’ll know his motives. Ignore any contra arguments. Don’t allow, as he hasn’t, emotions to cloud your judgement. He must have noticed you scrimping. You’ve lots of experience in making money work hard. Plenty of women are in charge of a family’s finances. Take on the financial security he’s had for the benefit of all five of you.

To your detriment he’s used being paid, your embarrassment when discussing money and your unswerving belief to give him the upper hand in your relationship. Don’t continue to be naive.

It doesn't matter what the payments are labelled as if they're going into an account in his name only....

An account that, until last night, you didn't even know existed.

Going forward I think you definitely need to approach family admin as a team. If he's being honest, it's lovely that he's been thinking of your lack of pension but he's completely disregarded the here and now yet he'll have seen the news and knows the cost of absolutely everything has rocketed. Even if he thought you were managing historically, he must have considered that things would have got tighter over recent months.

And clothes, surely he's noticed you not having much or never getting anything new....

Set up a SIPP in your own name OP and get that money transferred over. It's not tax efficient to have pension money in a savings account and it won't gain compound interest.

Easy to set up online. Don't let the money sit in his account because he could change his mind and take it.

Why on earth was he not putting that money into an actual pension that would grow? A pot of cash is not a pension.

Yeah the talk about the cash being the Op's pension is just bullshit. He has a work pension invested in a fund on his behalf by his employer. He knows that you don't save for a pension in a cash account. Nobody does that, he's just saying anything to cover himself

Yes, the pension thing is a bit fishy. Even if on one level he truly believes he's saving it for her, at the end of the day he's keeping it in an account owned and controlled by him. It's still his money, he has the access and he's making the decisions. If he's genuinely saving it for her pension, he needs to give it to her to invest appropriately. And the rest of the situation sounds pretty crap too. Hope you and he can make some big changes that are a great deal more equitable and transparent. And please do go out and spend some of the money on some nice new clothes for yourself!

I can't believe the posts saying it's a 'good update'.

It really isn't.

As has been said, even with the most generous interpretation - that he was saving for OP's retirement - it's still deeply worrying that he made significant financial decisions on OP's behalf without discussions.

However I don't believe it for a minute.

The man isn't blind is he? Did he fail to notice the OP eking out an existence & using food banks?

OP, please get independent financial advice. You need protection for you & DC. You need to set up a budget where all incomings are calculated & appropriate allocation made for the costs you've been bearing.

And yes, without being married, you are in a very vulnerable position regarding the house. Make this a priority to address.

Finally, the 'pension' account is nonsense - that's doing you no good. It needs to be invested in a private pension fund, and these options are available to you even without working outside the home. (I think in the UK a Lifetime ISA is also considered a good option?)

what a selfish ass. Definitely have a serious conversation about it.. me and my partner both work, but he earns more than double what I do, so we split everything so that we both have the same amount of free money at the end of the month… I believe that’s how it should be!