I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

He sounds awful, I hope I am wrong

This.

Good luck OP, you need a joint pot in this situation, not separate finances.

I'd also want to know what the hell he's been spending his disposable income on for the last god knows how long because, presumably, you've not noticed him spending lots on himself or you would have questioned this sooner.

Hope it goes well and it is easily sorted - though I'm skeptical and think that, while you didn't know what he was earning at work, he knew what you were entitled to in benefits.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me

As benefits are a household claim it's also possible you're committing benefit fraud. Does he earn more than £50k gross per year? Because if so he should be paying back some of the child benefit in extra tax. I don't know about the other benefits but it's entirely possible you've been claiming more than you're entitled to which could really bite you

This!

Hope you're conversation goes well op. if not you'll be better off alone.

My ex was like this, he would think my wages = family money and his wages = his money. He ears significantly more than me. It wasn’t the only reason we split up but it was a big factor.
Good luck with the conversation.

Of course it's intentional - you need to lay everything out and tell him you've seen his payslip.

Gosh OP this is awful. I really hope (very much doubt though) that this is a misunderstanding. Best wishes x

OP this is massively unfair to you. Stay strong but be prepared.

Any benefits and other claims for tax and reliefs might be wrong so double check everything you may have declared income for.

Does he gamble, is there anyway he might have a child or family you don’t know about.

good luck!

So he’s paying the mortgage and all of the household bills?
Whilst you pay for the food and car?

I would think that the bills he pays for are much higher than yours.

I don’t know why your name isn’t on the mortgage but if you’re married then it orang really matter anyway.

You need to have a chat with him and write down your incomings and outgoings and say that you need him to pay for much more like food and clubs as the benefits aren’t covering it.

The best way to do this would be to have a joint account which ALL bills are paid from.

@CarefreeMe she’s not married; did you miss the bit where she said she only just found out that he earns significantly more than she thought? She has no financial security by not being married nor being on the deeds.

This is awful OP. Don't worry about child benefit though, even if he earns over the 50k threshold it's not benefit fraud as a PP suggested. You are entitled to claim child benefit regardless and it is his responsibility (and only his) to pay the High Income Child Benefit Charge if applicable. If this applies and he has not been paying it he is the one who would face a fine/penalty, not you.

My god @Amigettingfuckedover, I genuinely had a sharp intake of breath at reading what you found out.

Then your subsequent post:
He is, but I don’t know if it’s intentional. I have spoken, at length about struggling and he behaves as though we all as a family are, hence my acceptance of us being in the situation together

He lets you pay for a car you don’t use. He lets you walk around with only one pair of jeans to your name, he doesn’t contribute to gifts for his own children.

He is abusing you and he knows it. He doesn’t care, so long as he can squirrel away all the money in the world.

I’m honestly devastated for you. He has strung you up like a kipper and is laughing all the way to the bank to mix a few metaphors.

I don’t know what the answer is here because even if he started sharing his salary now, that’s still 13 years of struggling I don’t think I could personally forgive.

This is so sad to read

A very quick update as I’ve not read any posts since my last message. We’re still mid talk, we’ve taken a break whilst I’ve dealt with the kids and now doing bedtime.

It’s been a massively difficult conversation, cross words, (semi) raised voices. I’ll update further once I’ve got the kids to bed and had a mug of tea.

Take care of yourself @Amigettingfuckedover. Don't worry about updating, although you might find it cathartic to write it all down.

I really, really hope he does the right thing here.

Stay safe @Amigettingfuckedover

this is awful thinking of you

Sending you strength

Good luck OP!

I hope you get the outcome you both want AND need

Hope you get it sorted OP

What a horrible miser 😡 good luck op.

Ask for you name in the deeds of the house in equal parts. If he refuses you know he is a financial abuser. You've been a complete mug in all this and now are is financial shit with him holding all the cards.