I think I need to confront him

[Amigettingfuckedover]

Changed my username as I’m embarrassed, I feel really stupid.

Im in a long term relationship (20+ years, lived together 13 years), not married, we have children together.

In a nutshell, he works and I care for our children, youngest has complex medical and additional needs, at school but attendance <40% due to health conditions, due to the above I don’t work.

We claim legacy benefits, child benefit and child receives DLA, all of which is paid to me. It amounts to £756/ month.

From this I pay ALL:

food
clothes
clubs
travel
entertainment (cinema/swimming 3/4 times a year)
family car rental

Every month.

I’m left with a deficit of around £50 every month which I borrow from family or OH might pop £10/20 in my account occasionally which I save to cover the difference. Or I don’t take my children anywhere on certain months to save.

I have no access to any other money or accounts, I’m told if I need money I only need to ask for it.

I had a very small 3 figure inheritance paid to me recently, it was used to buy clothes and Christmas gifts for my children, ALL of which I’m responsible for and have bought myself. The cost of living payments have gone on warm blankets, my budget deficit, food essentials. I’m grateful for it but it’s gone.

I have 1, ONE pair of jeans, no other trousers at all, I have 12p in my bank account, I almost cried this morning because I thought I’d found a hole in my jeans. I’m making boiling water in a pot on the hob as the kettle broke and I can’t afford to replace it.

I’ve always thought my OH was in the same bought, just about managing. Saving to buy the things he needs. I don’t see his bank statements at all, I just assumed as he pays for all the other bills, he had a similar experience to me, we were splitting the costs in relation to our “income”, his outgoings are more than mine. He wrote out all his expenses to show me as I asked him to buy some of the children’s Christmas presents.

Well I’ve come across a pay slip and I could cry, he earns 4X as much as I have per month after tax. His outgoings are less than double mine.

I PAY FOR OUR FUCKING CAR!!!!! I don’t drive!!! He told me he couldn’t afford the cost with the increase in petrol, “it’s only fair”.

I’m waiting for him to come in to speak to him, I’m actually devastated. I want to believe it’s a case of poor communication and an open conversation will sort it.

Christ OP. You have been totally screwed over. You never should have given up your job without being married. If you split up you will be left with nothing. Your partner sounds deeply unpleasant.

This is awful, I hope you're ok. Good on you for just having it out and starting the conversation- I agree with others, you need to get a joint account that all money goes into and all the bills get paid from, and you have equal access to it. Anything else is unreasonable, otherwise how can you ever trust him again financially?!

Oh OP I feel totally gutted for you - you must have been in such an anxious state for so long entirely unnecessarily because of him (not because of you). You sound like you’ve done an amazing job of keeping your children looked after and giving them fun experiences, despite being on a tight budget, and I’m livid for you it’s been at your own expense (eg not eating) while he’s doing what exactly with all that money?!

Sending you strength - you can get through this conversation, find out the facts and then make an informed decision…and we’ll be here to offer a handhold whatever that is 💐

The fact that he's arguing with you about the subject of finances proves he's abusing you ......he knows what he's doing

The fact he's watched you struggle without clothing, kids not getting outings and you skipping meals due to lack of money and is bringing home £3k a month after tax is unforgivable.

Thanks for coming back to update OP. You absolutely did the right thing to confront him. Sending you strength.

There is an organization doing super work called Survivors of Economic Abuse. Worth a read of their website when you are up to it.

Also there is a case currently being reported in the media about a woman who was controlled and economically abused by her husband. The cunt got a 250 quid fine.

I hope you're ok op. Make it clear to him you're skipping meals and going without clothes

well done for taking immediate action to speak about this with your partner. many people would have put it off . You are definitely in the right here and he is the one who ought to be ashamed of himself, not you so don’t feel pathetic.

also it must be quite a shock to realise your partner doesn’t seem to be the person you thought he was.

What a knob, if he's stashing money away make sure he gives you half!

What does he offer you ? He is the father of the children but contributes nothing forwards them ? No trips etc ?
Thats why i hate 50 /50 is never 50/50 women usually do all the housework and the childcare and on top pay for everything else . We have fucked up the gender roles men should be providing for their family what an absolute joke is western society becoming

This !!

That is financial abuse, you really need to consider your future...

Good luck OP.. you deserve better

Hope you get it sorted OP. This is awful

You need to register your interest in the property asap:

england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/preventing_sale_or_disposal_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner

He needs to start paying for his own kids, I can't belive he's refused to pay for their Christmas presents, food and clothes. Really disgraceful, they're his children as well as yours. Is he having an affair and subsidising another woman & /or family?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/our-work/policy/policy-research-topics/debt-and-money-policy-research/addressing-financial-abuse/

I’m afraid it isn’t as simple as this. Establishing beneficial interest is extremely challenging. OP needs to seek legal advice first.

I'm devastated for you. He absolutely know what he's doing and don't think or believe otherwise.
You need to gets your ducks in a row, NOW! Speak to citizens advice who can support you legally for free and ask him to leave. Make sure you have copies of that bank statement / payslip BEFORE you talk to him and he hides it and then contact the CSA. You'll be financially better off without him. His behaviour is abhorrent. I'm so so sorry and sad for you.

Oh, OP, this talk needed to happen, but it must be exhausting. Sending you strength.

stop paying for the car for a start!

You have been treated abysmally by this man.

I hope he has realised he needs to start playing fairly......good luck op

I'm so sorry OP. You're in an incredibly vulnerable situation not being married and not being on the deeds of the house. I would say if he shows any reluctance in putting you on the deeds of the house then you know he's financially abusing you but actually, the fact he hasn't done it already shows that he has been financially abusive.

I really hope you get it sorted. I’ve never quite understood the ‘split’ way of paying for household stuff as it just seems complicated.

When my husband (then boyffiend) and I bought our first house we opened a joint account and put a proportion of our wages in there to cover mortgage, food, cars, general maintenance etc. Our wages are still paid into our own accounts and we have standing orders set up to move money to the joint account. I have always paid in less as I didn’t earn as much, then went on mat leave, and have now worked part time for a decade.

Your husband needs to be paying for family expenses and you need to be able to buy basics for yourself. What on earth is he doing with the spare cash?