Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What's the secret of very high achieving children?

284 replies

Starbrightmoonlight · 27/10/2022 10:02

Is it private school? Cultural capital? Lots of travel? High expectations? Kids expected to work hard at school, parents setting extra work at home? Is money & extracurriculars a factor?
The most high achieving families I know have children attending private school, travel loads, bring the dc to galleries, exhibitions, theatre etc, kids excel in extracurriculars & parents very invested in "expanding" the curriculum themselves... Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Notanotherusername4321 · 27/10/2022 10:02

Money.

AthenaPopodopolous · 27/10/2022 10:04

A natural hunger for success and status in the child. Sometimes if they come from a disadvantaged household, they succeed inspire of this because the child feels envy and becomes driven and aspirational.

Phrenologistsfinger · 27/10/2022 10:05

I was a high achiever but living in absolute poverty, single mother, homeless, revised by candlelight as we couldn't afford electricity. Oh and I had ADHD it turns out (late diagnosis).

In my case it was parental interest, boredom and a drive to escape/better myself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Plumbear2 · 27/10/2022 10:05

I have a high achieving child and several normal achieving. I don't do anything different. They go to mainstream school, have the same opportunitys. I think it's just natural for some kids.

Remainiac · 27/10/2022 10:06

Do you mean academically high achieving? How are you defining high achieving?

Allsnotwell · 27/10/2022 10:06

I disagree with money

You have to invest time and energy into children and give them self belief and allow them to ask questions and speak to them like you would any adult with respect and explanations. And talk to them properly don’t dumb anything down unless very adult type things.

Yes to taking them out, socializing, theater, cinemas, museums, get them involved.

They are sponges when young and want to learn and you need to be positive about teaching them and letting them explore. Paints, play doh reading cooking get them involved. And hang the mess - they need this time to explore.

CornishGem1975 · 27/10/2022 10:07

Pressure from the parents, and yes, usually the ones with money. My DD's best friend is tutored to within an inch of her life, made to stay in during school holidays to study, misses out on seeing friends because of it. Pushed into every activity going from a young age, whether they want to or not. She's afraid to say no to her parents for fear of them coming down harder on her. They are openly disappointed when she doesn't achieve what they think she should.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/10/2022 10:07

The big secret is the ones who are hothoused and pushed generally burn out after getting into uni or in their twenties and many don't recover.

Original poster
Starbrightmoonlight · 27/10/2022 10:08

Thanks for the replies, I find sociology fascinating... I do think personally money plays a part & very invested parents. Travel, cultural capital & good schools & neighborhoods. An inner confidence that those private school kids have in spades

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 27/10/2022 10:08

Surely it's mostly genetics.

Bright parents give birth to bright children.

NellBeau · 27/10/2022 10:09

Ultimately, I believe it’s intrinsic motivation.

dollyblack · 27/10/2022 10:09

I would really hate to have a high achieving child. There is so much more to life than excelling.

jay55 · 27/10/2022 10:09

Motivation and support.

NinjaSnail · 27/10/2022 10:10

In our case ASD and huge parental involvement. State school but I try to provide as much support as I can to fill the gaps including books, tutors. Making sure DS plays to his strengths.

Other DS is in independent and above average ability but nowhere near as driven. Better socially so arguably better suited to succeeding in corporate environment.

lannistunut · 27/10/2022 10:10

I think the key is instilling belief and enjoyment of learning in the child.

There is passing exams, and there is being genuinely engaged with your studies - these are not always the same thing.

But security and money definitely help, it is harder without these - isn't everything?

ohforthelife · 27/10/2022 10:10

I have two high achievers (what I class as high achievers anyway!)

Neither went to private school, had tutors, or loads of extra curricular activities.

I would say I definitely supported them, but didn't spoon feed them and encouraged them to be independent. I explained to them at primary age that you get out of it what you put in, and if you want to do well at school/get a good career it's completely down to you.

In all honesty the youngest didn't catch on to this until he was about 14 and the parent's evenings used to be along the lines of "he's quite bright but easily distracted and doesn't put the effort in". He announced to me one day that he was planning to start knuckling down and tbh I think all his teachers were pretty shocked at his gcse results. He went on to get top A level grades/win academic awards at uni and is now doing a phd.

ImJustNotMeAnymore · 27/10/2022 10:10

CornishGem1975 · 27/10/2022 10:07

Pressure from the parents, and yes, usually the ones with money. My DD's best friend is tutored to within an inch of her life, made to stay in during school holidays to study, misses out on seeing friends because of it. Pushed into every activity going from a young age, whether they want to or not. She's afraid to say no to her parents for fear of them coming down harder on her. They are openly disappointed when she doesn't achieve what they think she should.

She's going to rebel as soon as she can break free.

Kazzyhoward · 27/10/2022 10:12

Good teachers
Engaged parents
The child never getting "left behind" in the classroom (as almost impossible to catch up)

Energeticenoch · 27/10/2022 10:12

What do you mean by very high achieving? Mine are probably high achieving but fall short of very high achieving. All 8's at GCSE, all A and A* at A level, prefects, sports captain, strong leadership skills, RG uni for highly academic subject but didn't even try for oxbridge. Future likely to be in the City or other area of finance or within Westminster.

State school with tutoring but not excessive tutoring, to be honest, the fact that their exposure has been around children whose families are high achievers so that is the norm and therefore it's what they expect for themselves. Parents went to uni and there was no discussion of not going, their peers and their friends worked hard at school so therefore it was the expected norm.

Honestly, they lived in a privileged middle class bubble where they never saw anything but high achievers and it never occurred to them there was another option.

However, this works great for those who are that way inclined. It's a big problem if that's just not their interest or their ability. There's no focus on vocational skills as that's not what they're exposed to. Where as some people feel that law isn't for the likes of them, these children feel that trades aren't for the likes of them as they'll be a disappointment to their family, that they wouldn't be achieving, that they would be letting down their family. This is not a good thing. It measures success in only academic achievement not in job satisfaction or skill and doesn't recognise that high achieving in the academic financial sense isn't the be all and end all and it doesn't nurture skills gained outside the classroom

RachelBosenterfer · 27/10/2022 10:12

What qualifies as "very high achieving" for you?

Notanotherusername4321 · 27/10/2022 10:13

*You have to invest time and energy into children and give them self belief and allow them to ask questions and speak to them like you would any adult with respect and explanations. And talk to them properly don’t dumb anything down unless very adult type things.

Yes to taking them out, socializing, theater, cinemas, museums, get them involved*

which all takes money. Or at least makes it easier. Theatre tickets, cinemas, family trip is easily £100 +. Paying for extra curriculars takes money.

if both parents are working full time finding that time to invest in your children is much harder then if there’s a sahp who can take them to their extra curriculars.

money makes it much easier to invest time and resources into your kids.

00100001 · 27/10/2022 10:13

Parents are the only thing that can dribe it really.

Giving the kids access to support and whatnot.be that financial or in time or both.

If you have a parent willing and able to take you to swimming every morning at 5:30, or a parent willing and able to get you piano lessons, a piano at home and the support/encouragement/pressure to practice every day, or a parent who will prioritise their child's school work and support them by whatever means they think is best...then they'll probably be high achievers in that field.

Have a parent who isn't able to take kiddo to swimming more than once a month.... they'll be able to swim, and that's it. Could be the next Michael Phelps, but if they can't get to training every day, they just aren't going to excel are they?

The parents are key.

Aintnosupermum · 27/10/2022 10:13

It’s an inherited ability and environmental factors. Elder two children have ASD and ADHD. Both were reading by 3 and are still tracking ahead in their gifted areas at 11 and 9. When evaluated I had their academic tested and their IQ came back off the charts. My middle child was 145+.

My eldest child was failing at school. What turned it around was switching schools and meeting her needs. That has taken a lot of money. It’s a shame not every child is provided this through ‘access to education’ rules. Education policy and funding is terrible with political correctness seriously hampering the delivery of education to those with SEN.

Aintnosupermum · 27/10/2022 10:14

FWIW my 3rd child is very average academically. It’s ok. She has other talents.

HenryHenrietta · 27/10/2022 10:14

The high achieving men I know had money behind them and went to private schools. The women I know who had similar did not end up as high achievers. The boarding school girls I knew well at uni were in therapy, had eds and substance abuse problems. They now have jobs like organising retreats or selling ethical loungewear these days. They earn a decent living but they are not mega high achievers.

The other family I know whose children all became very high achievers had negligent parents.

My dh isn't a very high achiever but he did get 4 As at a level (before A* was a thing at a level) and a 1st at uni. His parents aren't especially rich or anything. Perfectly normal, suburban family.

I went to private day school and am very average academically and haven't had an impressive career.