What's the secret of very high achieving children?

[Starbrightmoonlight]

Is it private school? Cultural capital? Lots of travel? High expectations? Kids expected to work hard at school, parents setting extra work at home? Is money & extracurriculars a factor?
The most high achieving families I know have children attending private school, travel loads, bring the dc to galleries, exhibitions, theatre etc, kids excel in extracurriculars & parents very invested in "expanding" the curriculum themselves... Any thoughts?

But lots of cases where siblings have VERY different outcomes.

I went to school with twins, one was the straight A* pupil who went to Oxford Uni, the other was constantly in trouble, bottom sets, and works in a pub.

My brother and I are very different, I am a chartered accountant, he works in WH Smiths!

My OH and his sister are also very different, he did well at school, she didn't.

So I can't really agree.

I think you can 'hot house' a child to be high achieving but they will either crash and burn as they get older or just not cope in the real world once mummy and daddy are no longer pestering them.

All 3 of my children are doing well at school. DS1 is super clever, always has been but is not sporty or sociable at all. DD is clever, not quite as clever as DS1 but is also really creative, sociable, and good at practical stuff too. DS2 is 11 and just started secondary school, he doesn't put much effort into stuff that doesn't interest him but has still managed to do well in this terms report so must just have natural ability.

We don't push them as in make them do hours of homework a night but we do take interest and help them if needed. We have always been a very bookish family, like to play a wide variety of board games and have always done lots of days out to museums etc. Kids do some extracurricular activities but only what they enjoy and are allowed to give them up if they no longer want to do it.

No idea

I've no interest in my kids being very high achieving whatever that means

As long as they are decent kind people who are happy

I don’t think you can make your child like that, they just are. It’s probably genetic. I’ve got one who is and one who isn’t.
The one who isn’t is very intelligent but takes after his father. He has no interest in ‘success’ outside of things which interest him. Other people’s approval is irrelevant to him. That’s probably more mentally healthy.
My other child is driven because he loves feeling superior and ‘the best’. He takes after me. He gets stressed if he isn’t top in exams etc.
Both kids have had a very enriched background, the ‘undriven’ one went to private school and is now at a grammar school. The driven one goes to grammar school. Both were home educated to around the age of 12. Their personalities haven’t changed since they were tiny.

I would say the biggest factors are natural ability and enthusiasm to engage and learn. Kids like that will excel whether in private or state school, whether their parents engage them or not, and will even survive poor teaching.

I would say in most cases high expectations and keeping them busy with extracurricular activities (which is where this may be linked to money).

If they are surrounded by similar kids and parents, peer pressure may be a factor too, which links to good schools. I wouldn't necessarily say private ones though.

Ultimately I think being driven and having the grit to achieve is a bit of both though, nature and nurture.

I also think high achievers don't always have the above opportunities handed in to them by their parents, on the contrary, they do not have many or any, but they are determined enough to have them going forward. Sometimes children from abusive families are those who become the highest achievers as well because they want to break the cycle and get out. Motivations to become a high achiever vary.

Define high achieving.

If you mean academically I was high achieving - exams suited me, I enjoyed school & learning and I read a lot. My parents gave me a stable, secure & happy home. There were no expectations other than ‘do your best’.

My now adult kids had a stable, secure & happy home - although with severe disabilities in the mix they also had some traumatic times which interfered with learning. Exams did not suit them, they don’t massively like school, other than as a social event, although they have always liked learning. One read a lot. None are what you would call high achievers. But they are finding their own way on their own path & are way more mature than I was at their age. They have had far more experience of real life from having a sibling with severe disabilities.

It remains to be seen what they do. I have no interest in whether others think they are high achieving - I hope they live a fulfilling (to them) life. Self fulfilment surely more important than ticking some sort of external box. I think one of my kids will need a certain amount of money to be happy - so he will probably end up doing something highly paid even if he hates the job. Another one won’t need the same amount of money but I suspect will look for more fulfilment from work.

I was surprised at an Oxbridge college reunion I went to, how many parents had expectations of their kids to follow in their footsteps & go there. My kids couldn’t think of anything worse

Should have said tend to give birth probably.

But I would agree. Genetics / natural ability is a key thing.
Then improved and enhanced by natural tendency to work hard, parental input, money to support parental input and give opportunities.

Bright children from poorer or less educated backgrounds can succeed but it is harder for them. Like running an obstacle course rather than a straight running race.

Without the 'genetics' however it is hard to be high achieving from an academic view at least. However hard a child with slower processing or less good logic works they will be beaten by a hard working academic child.

Bright kids with money & supportive parents can still fail of course, whether through being rewarded for being bright rather than hard work, or getting distracted by other stuff along the way.

I’ve got an academic high achiever and one not interested in university. Both had the same opportunities but have different personalities. Both are happy and doing well in their own way and in career /jobs that suit them, isn’t that what counts.

Many high achievers do NOT do lots of extracurricular activities. Look at those who go furthest - often single-minded. I think too much extracurricular stuff is about social capital, not genuine achievement.

My eldest is a high achiever. Two GCSEs early (state) both level 9. A level in year 10 - top grade.
Two A levels alongside all the other GCSEs this year all predicated at A* and level 9s for GCSE.

She is self driven, interested, obsessive almost about wanting to know explore and understand.
She is talented with music, drama, art, sewing, horse riding, swimming etc she is also a high functioning autistic. No one wanted to push a diagnosis she is sociable, no behaviour issues, House prefect, captain etc she’s a leader at Scouts etc but she is.

I have a DC who is very high achieving. I think it’s a combination of being naturally bright, having an interest in the world and being in a very able cohort at school (a so called super selective grammar).

We are a household with books and who visit museums and galleries but you can’t force a child to be interested in those.

We did support her where we could with tutoring in a particular subject, financial support with work experience etc.

She had a particular career to aim for and worked really hard to get there. She doing great now.

Discipline. I’m asian and as a asian we are very discipline with school and study. My kids study at home for one hour everyday even holidays or weekend. We are not in private school. I think study and discipline very important and I’m surprised with my mums friends in my sons school who thinks study its too mich, the kids still little, etc. For me studying and discipline needs to do since they are toddler.

I think it’s ultimately intrinsic to the child. My middle child is high achieving, but also suffers from obsessionality - so I worry about him.

Parents can hothouse their children all they like, but it won’t last once the child is fully independent unless the child/ young adult wants to succeed.

Also - I take it high achieving is academic performance/ level of career. These things can change in life.
My oldest did on at school and at Uni, but just ok. He’s now in a job/ early career that he really loves - and he could end up being high achieving by time he’s in his 30/40s. He’s even taken up sports that he hated at school because he was clumsy and left on the sidelines watching others play.

Baseline has to be a secure family unit/ encouragement, and decent self esteem/ belief - these things can change throughout life.

What's high achieving?
A friends daughter is studying a science degree at university. She went to a state school, got mostly 5-6's and a couple of 7's for gcse, chose the wrong a levels, did a foundation year and is now doing well half way through her degree studying alongside private school educated, high achieving gcse and a level grades students.

High achievement academically does not always translate to a high-achieving or 'successful' life.

What do you mean OP? Are you talking about adults?

My kids are bright (not gifted) and are self-motivated. They want to do well. The latter may change of course, as they get older. We will see.

I think it may also be a cultural thing, in my dc's very multicultural school the Indian, Nigerian, Chinese & Eastern European kids are excelling. Ds1 is friends best friends with the most polite, sociable little boy with Nigerian parents. He is top set & every evening is filled with extracurriculars swimming, music, athletics, French etc. His mum is a sahm, dad works in finance & they are 110% invested in the dc. We feel lazy in comparison. They are also raising very polite, fun, sociable kids who are a joy to have over for playdates. The kids are also much more travelled due to spending holidays in Nigeria & travelling to different parts if Africa for safari etc.. I do think culture plays a part for sure & the UK parents aren't nearly as aspirational as some of the nationalities I mentioned.

It’s a combination of genetics (self drive and ambition), parents and innate academic intelligence

i know a lot of “high achievers” whatever that means and I don’t really admire them nearly as much as I do the teachers and the social workers who are giving back hugely

@Abcdefgh1234 I absolutely agree with you on this. See my post above, the Asian, Nigerian & Eastern European kids all very high achievers in our area, state school. Also excelling in extracurriculars, there's a different culture in regards to acedemics & school is very important to these parents.

You still haven't answered what you mean by high achieving.
Academic achievement is never a guarantee of a highly successful life.
I have two DS who were average at school, both took the apprenticeship route and secured places that had hundreds of applicants. DS2 is a late teenager but well on the road to a successful career.
DS1 bought a lovely home in a desirable area at 23. He is engaged (his fiancée was privately educated, comes from a wealthy family but DS1 is her equal in their life together.) I'd say they are highly successful if you look at their life but my son works and pays for his half of it, whereas his fiancée has a fairly decent job but is gifted a lot of money and material things, like her Range Rover and has a substantial trust fund.
Then we come to DC3, highly academic and due to sit her GCSES next year. She is predicted all 8&9s and intends to attend sixth form, then onto a great uni but only time will tell. Achievement can be measured in many different ways.

Genetics. DD has an IQ of 166 and is autistic. She had a reading age of 12 in reception class. She went to the state village primary, where they had to get secondary school maths books for her, and a bog standard state comprehensive.
She got straight As, both in her five Highers and in her five Advanced Highers (Scotland) and sat them early. Then did a maths degree at Durham uni. She has never been “hothoused” or had a private tutor. And I was a widowed single parent, working as a hospital doctor, from when she was 2 years old.

By high achieving I mean top sets, being an all round student, speaking multiple languages, playing an instrument & on track to get into an rg University.

which all takes money. Or at least makes it easier. Theatre tickets, cinemas, family trip is easily £100 +. Paying for extra curriculars takes money.

You can go to smaller theaters community ones charge pennies, same with ball parks, council ones are much cheaper, we use Tesco vouchers for these things so can cost nothing, kids did council run gymnastics, no uniform and great facilities, these things are available and not necessarily that expensive.

Genetics. Money can get you so far, but not all the way. Some kids just aren’t bright. Well, most of them actually.