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Original poster

What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

348 replies

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 17:56

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 26/10/2022 19:29

I think, unfortunately for you OP, a lot of people will not understand the nuance of the situation and will stop at "neither parent wants their kids at Christmas".

I don't think SS will take him seriously. He does the bare minimum and then when actually has to parent longer than 24hours he calls the social - he'll be laughed off the phone.

In short... I think go ahead with your plan but be prepared to be called back by Boxing Day. Whether or not you show up is up to you but I can see that your kids will come out the worst in this effort to force your ex to be a father. But that's a consequence, not the direct result.

saraclara · 26/10/2022 19:34

I love Christmas. It's a hugely important day for our family. But I know people who hate it (and that have good reason to, due to trauma, a past Christmas bereavement, or whatever). And it's perfectly okay for them to dislike it, and to deal with it in their own way.
The shock and horror at OP's choice on here is unfair, and when there's a divorce, it makes sense for the kids to spend it with someone who embraces the day.

The ex seems about to behave inexcusably, yet the majority of posters seem to be fixated on OP having the brass nerve not to like Christmas.

SlashBeef · 26/10/2022 19:36

I understand he's shit but the kids are the ones in the middle and someone has to step up for them. Unfortunately it has to be you because he cba.

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Mummadeze · 26/10/2022 19:37

I think you have organised things in your way and not collaborated with your ex to see if your way suits his plans around Christmas. Having them in shorter bursts might be better for both of you if their additional needs makes things tiring. I also feel sorry for them though that their parents aren’t fighting over having them at Christmas rather than fighting over not having them. Also that your Christmas with your new partner doesn’t seem so appealing with them there to you. It is a bit sad, whether you can see it or not.

WindyHedges · 26/10/2022 19:40

yes, I’m knackered. And I do it all for them. And I think the rinsing I’ve had on this thread is monstrous. Grossly unfair. And yes I urge a partner who is not their father and he’s great with them but I would like some time without them occasionally and I hate Christmas. Always have.

I hope you’re ok @AnightwiththeTiger Some of the posts on this thread are appalling. A dear friend of mine is still entangled in an abusive relationship with her DC’s father who was physically and emotionally abusive to her. She left him when he started hitting the children, but abusive men don’t just walk away. They use money and time to try to manipulate and control. They are deeply angry and nasty men.

Your devotion to your DC is clear. And YOU need to care and respite also. That is not unreasonable.

Good luck Flowers

mansviewpoint · 26/10/2022 19:41

You need to carry on with your plans. They were arranged. If he phones social services, then that will create a problem for him, not for you, (reality is they'll tell him that he's being a bit silly).
You must not let him to try to walk over you.

bluebell34567 · 26/10/2022 19:43

how about telling him to buy all the expensive christmas presents for dc and you have them at christmas if he cant have them.

LondonWolf · 26/10/2022 19:43

Poor kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2022 19:46

I also am perplexed by the time of some of the posts on this thread. I would carry on with your plans if you can and perhaps have a contingency. How far away are you going? I’m wondering if your ex will end up dropping your dcs wherever you are so you could perhaps take some overnight things for them.

Does he treat your children well?

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:48

Mummadeze · 26/10/2022 19:37

I think you have organised things in your way and not collaborated with your ex to see if your way suits his plans around Christmas. Having them in shorter bursts might be better for both of you if their additional needs makes things tiring. I also feel sorry for them though that their parents aren’t fighting over having them at Christmas rather than fighting over not having them. Also that your Christmas with your new partner doesn’t seem so appealing with them there to you. It is a bit sad, whether you can see it or not.

Also that your Christmas with your new partner doesn’t seem so appealing with them there to you.

no no no I would LOVE that and so would he! But he has a gang of his own and a blended family Christmas would be the ninth circle of hell for everyone else! Christ imagine it! I take all my crowd down to him and his own teens, away from all their stuff and squash them in? No! I’d love it to be like the Waltons but I’m a realist!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:50

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2022 19:46

I also am perplexed by the time of some of the posts on this thread. I would carry on with your plans if you can and perhaps have a contingency. How far away are you going? I’m wondering if your ex will end up dropping your dcs wherever you are so you could perhaps take some overnight things for them.

Does he treat your children well?

I’d be about 3 hours away hoping to see my new niece for the first time, catching up with some friends and then seeing my partner for a few days.

He thinks he treats them well. In reality he is rigid and inflexible and will not take them anywhere or do anything so they all play online at his house, all hours, and eat takeaway. He throws cash at them. That’s it.

OP posts:
Brotherlove · 26/10/2022 19:50

@AnightwiththeTiger
I coparent with a similar ex, to similar kids.
In court he actually requested they stay with mother for all holidays....so Xmas he sees them 10-4 on the Saturday after.
He refuses contact beyond 4 overnights a month, and insists on seeing the children separately due to their additional needs.
It means I never ever get a break.

If I ever moan people give me grief as the children need to know one parent wants them. I absolutely do, they are my word, but like you I'm exhausted.

If ex turned up and you are not there he can ask police to do a welfare check, phone SS and duty will pick up and say as they are with their father who has PR they don't need to get involved unless Dads putting them in danger....will he say he's putting them in danger himself, or just try to get you in trouble? You can produce email agreement if they do come knocking after the event? If so carry on...kids with their Dad, what's the issue?

Bananarama21 · 26/10/2022 19:51

Christ what an awful post what type of person doesn't want their dc with them at Christmas. Some parents don't have the opportunity to have their dc Christmas day and you want to drop them off the 21st to 30th shameful. Teeneages are selfish and self centre as adults we should not be.

Backstreets · 26/10/2022 19:51

I think your ex has some cheek to whine about having had the kids last christmas when he doesn't even have them EOW.

Hana89 · 26/10/2022 19:52

You're not being unreasonable OP! You're a person too and you deserve a break and some rest!
I really don't think SS will do anything if he calls them. Whether your ex has done his 52 days or not, he's still DCs parent and has a responsibility to those kids. If, God forbid, anything were to happen to you, he would have to assume full responsibility and his cushy 52 days would go right out of the window!! So screw him and his threats. He's their father and he agreed to this plan months ago. He needs to step up!
Carry on with your plans OP but as others have said, just be mindful that your kids may end up needing you, so build in some flexibility just in case. Good luck OP!

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:52

Brotherlove · 26/10/2022 19:50

@AnightwiththeTiger
I coparent with a similar ex, to similar kids.
In court he actually requested they stay with mother for all holidays....so Xmas he sees them 10-4 on the Saturday after.
He refuses contact beyond 4 overnights a month, and insists on seeing the children separately due to their additional needs.
It means I never ever get a break.

If I ever moan people give me grief as the children need to know one parent wants them. I absolutely do, they are my word, but like you I'm exhausted.

If ex turned up and you are not there he can ask police to do a welfare check, phone SS and duty will pick up and say as they are with their father who has PR they don't need to get involved unless Dads putting them in danger....will he say he's putting them in danger himself, or just try to get you in trouble? You can produce email agreement if they do come knocking after the event? If so carry on...kids with their Dad, what's the issue?

It’s hard isn’t it? Nothing ever feels enough!!! He won’t even open their school reports. All of their (massive) educational responsibility is on me. The mental load is colossal.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:53

Hana89 · 26/10/2022 19:52

You're not being unreasonable OP! You're a person too and you deserve a break and some rest!
I really don't think SS will do anything if he calls them. Whether your ex has done his 52 days or not, he's still DCs parent and has a responsibility to those kids. If, God forbid, anything were to happen to you, he would have to assume full responsibility and his cushy 52 days would go right out of the window!! So screw him and his threats. He's their father and he agreed to this plan months ago. He needs to step up!
Carry on with your plans OP but as others have said, just be mindful that your kids may end up needing you, so build in some flexibility just in case. Good luck OP!

Thankyou!

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 26/10/2022 19:54

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:48

Also that your Christmas with your new partner doesn’t seem so appealing with them there to you.

no no no I would LOVE that and so would he! But he has a gang of his own and a blended family Christmas would be the ninth circle of hell for everyone else! Christ imagine it! I take all my crowd down to him and his own teens, away from all their stuff and squash them in? No! I’d love it to be like the Waltons but I’m a realist!

Show quote history

So let me get this right.

You don’t want to spend Christmas with your own kids because:

you want to go and spend it with your boyfriend’s kids?

Your Christmas last year was miserable because you hate Christmas and had to spend it with the kids.

But you’re quite happy to have a nice Christmas with someone else’s kids.

Okayyyy.

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 19:57

no no no I would LOVE that and so would he! But he has a gang of his own

So you don’t like Christmas, yet you’re going to spend Christmas with your boyfriend and his kids?

You’ve contradicted yourself a lot on this thread but this has got to be the most ridiculous one.

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 26/10/2022 19:58

Poor kids. They now know neither set of parents wants to have them for Christmas.

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:59

No I’d love it if we could all be together and all get along. Whether it’s Christmas or not is beside the point.

OP posts:
Flowersintheattic57 · 26/10/2022 20:01

I would ignore all the Christmas angst posts and remind your ex of the plans email and carry on. He is unlikely to call ss to tell them what a shit father he is.
If and only if it all goes tits up and you have to get back to rescue the situation, then you are only three hours away, it’s not like you are going to Australia.
You need downtime and your ex is not going to facilitate that.
My ex told me he would rather I died than anyone know how awful he was to me.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 26/10/2022 20:02

your point is your dh should have the dc for chirstmas and he is mucking up your plans.
you are not getting much agreement here.

Thatboymum · 26/10/2022 20:02

I’m sorry but this isn’t about you , this is about making Christmas special for your kids whether it’s something you like or not you paint a smile on get the tree up and make it a nice day for your kids. He is rite it should be year on year off to be fair can’t fault him about that, if he always has them at Christmas seems perfectly fair that he gets one off. Your holiday plans don’t trump your kids.

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 20:03

MayThe4th · 26/10/2022 19:54

So let me get this right.

You don’t want to spend Christmas with your own kids because:

you want to go and spend it with your boyfriend’s kids?

Your Christmas last year was miserable because you hate Christmas and had to spend it with the kids.

But you’re quite happy to have a nice Christmas with someone else’s kids.

Okayyyy.

Show quote history

I don’t like christmas

im taking the kids away on a holiday which is their Christmas present, discussed and agreed

they won’t have seen their dad for weeks

he sees them the bare minimum

I am knackered

id like to spend some time with my partner who may well have his own kids over at some point, he is the NRP

i also plan to see my rels who are all a few hours away by car

my ex hates it that I have a partner and goes out of his way to spoil this

and it’s Christmas.

that’s all.

OP posts: