What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

@JudesBiggestFan I did say it would need planning, so I wasn't expecting you to be able to "step out" as such. Are you saying that if you were feeling close to a breakdown (which is how OP sounds and is a legitimate concern when you have no support and limited to no downtime), your DH wouldn't be sending you away for a weekend and reassuring you that the DC will be fine, he will be fine, you just concentrate on resting...?

And if you needed an op, wouldn't he do all the DC activities, all the feeding and make sure you got the rest you needed?

Because if he would, then be grateful for what you've got. But if he wouldn't, I'm not surprised you're a bit jealous of single parents.

I wonder do you mean to be so sanctimonious? The single parents you know who have a supportive ex may well appear to have more free time - it’s the backup situation that you’re missing. My three have activities etc but there is only me to take them, so they miss out. Their father would not dream of taking them and I can’t be in there places at once so I run constantly between the three.

I can’t get my head around how tone deaf you’re being. It’s not a matter of being able to “step away”, when they were smaller they had to come everywhere with me, every appointment for all of them, unless I could call in favours. It’s the paper cuts that sting - not being able to have a long bath without someone asking me something, or nip to the garage for something without taking them with me even for a pint of milk, or all the other stuff that having another adult around, would take up the slack of. Every breakfast, every dinner time. Every homework check, every parents evening. I can’t delegate any of it.

So they see their Dad supposedly EOW and god knows I need the break. But even on this thread I got my arse handed to me for sending them because he had been abusive to me. I honestly cannot win.

It’s not just the practical side of ‘free time’ either. It’s small things too.
If I want anything done, anything at all, I have to do it myself. One of the things I miss the most about having a partner is that sometimes, someone else would make me a cup of tea.
It’s having to make judgment calls completely unsupported. Choices, from
what to have for dinner to whether DC is really too unwell for school or not, whether to move into the catchment for a better secondary now or give her more stability with her friends, whether to push her to finish the term of dance club or swallow the sunk cost and book her into wraparound care for the extra hour, all of it, every thought is in my head alone.

The EOW which usually ends up E3W free time is mostly spent cleaning up since I’m always so behind given I have to do it all by myself.

Ex was a useless partner in terms of real help but I do miss just the presence of someone else and knowing if I made the wrong call, it wasn’t just me that made it. And sometimes, having a cup of tea I didn’t have to buy the milk for, make, and then wash up after. Just a cup of tea made for me by someone else.

Sing it, sister. Another thing that this PP doesn't seem to 'get' is that those of us who are with our DC's father (or mother), even though we may not get blocks of time without our DC like some single parents do, we DO have a constant source of support and empathy in our partners, someone who understands and is experiencing the same 'life' we are. Some one we can turn to and get an immediate "I know, right?" when we feel rushed off our feet, or frightened, or worried. That alone can be worth 24 hours of 'me time' just in itself.

Personally I think you're a helluva human being and mother. You've found sources of strength within yourself that I'm sure you didn't realize you had and that's something to be proud of. It's just a damned shame that your ex has made it necessary for you to do so. I'd love to be able to shout "Karma will get him" but unfortunately life doesn't seem to work that way.

I hope you manage to carve yourself out some time over the holidays. I hope you find a bit of peace and calm within yourself if you don't. And I hope a raccoon climbs up your ex's sorry ass.

Thankyou. That’s very kind. And you’re right, I have reserves I never knew existed.

Aaaaand....I'm having a single parenting meltdown myself today.

XP was due to pick them up today until Monday, having missed "his" last weekend because he decided to go off to Greece. However, no confirmation of when he was going to pick them up...then he said he was at the garage with his car broken down. However, when I threatened to drive the kids over to him he cracked and said he's actually "in a bad way, mentally" and can't have the kids for the foreseeable even though they're "his world".

Funnily enough that leaves ME in a pretty bad way mentally too, as I sit here cancelling everything I had booked to do these 4 days of freedom. But I have to go and check DS2 is OK, as ex hasn't responded to DS2 's request to talk to him on the phone ☹.

So the update is that the ex has finally agreed verbally although not in writing that he will have the kids from eve of 27th to 30th. The excuses I heard him give ranged from “not enough leave” (his office is shut down over Christmas) and “has a busy year.” In any event it doesn’t give me time to get away to see my rels and get back. He has also thrown in that if I don’t get written agreement from him that he consents to the kids being taken abroad he will be classing this as child abduction and speaking to his friend who has a friend who works for Cafcass. Such a load of bollocks. I think he was pissed (again) when he sent this particular nonsense.

So I and the children will have a lovely time, he can fuck right off, and more than anything, they “see” him. One of them said “we could lie to him and tell him you’ve split up with Ian (not real name) and he will stop being like this.” And he’s right. If my ex thought I would be sitting home alone miserable he would have the kids like a shot. THAT is how much he hates me. And that’s how much I knew I was in danger if he had stayed.

Can’t see them for the the foreseeable?????? The entitled arsehole. Does that affect his maintenance? I’d be reminding him of that immediately.

My ex pulls the bad way mentally card, and also stopped seeing them for the foreseeable. Fine. Then bombarded me with texts to see his kids...as and when. Um no. The kids can't cope with that nonsense.
So more court hearings...where thankfully the judge kicked his ass and maybe just maybe he'll resume his EOW soon...but not all kids if course, he can't do that - but half each weekend is better than nothing.

The hardest thing about all this, calling a friend in the middle of the night to say can you watch my kids while I take 1 to a&e...and no ex didn't show for that emergency surgery either...build robust support systems, was better than flaky father's

Oh, well he didn't pay maintenance this last month, anyway. We have (have had!) a voluntary agreement. When the dust settles, I think it's time to contact CMS though.

It's hard to work out in how bad a state he is and whether he's addressing it properly, because he's a habitual liar. I mean, he's just "confessed" that he's been drinking a bottle of vodka a day since he moved out of his girlfriend's (except she's not his girlfriend any more, even though he told the kids they were still together- he has form for this, doesn't like to admit a relationship has failed), except the days he has the kids, when he goes completely cold turkey 🤔. Don't even know where to start with that one.

Then loads of grovelling and "I'm such a wanker" and "My kids are my world", then stonewalls my request for him to give DS2 a call 🙄.

I'm glad you've got your 3 days set in stone OP. Just a shame it's not longer! Are you going to be able to spend it with your partner?

Imagine if every parent opted out when their mental health wasn't amazing.

If I wasn't bothered about retaining any dignity I'd shame them publicly so their families and friends knew they were useless pricks.

One of them said “we could lie to him and tell him you’ve split up with Ian (not real name) and he will stop being like this.”

Bless him.

I’m sorry you’re getting the shitty end of the stick again.

I hope it’s some consolation that your children will remember your constant support and love.

Iol hun did that need announcing?! 😂

and you've reported my response to misogynistic bullies? Really? Do you hear yourself? Stop being a child.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this OP, it sounds awful! I say that as someone who was a single mum for a few years, although I did have more support than it sounds like you do.

Your ex sounds awful. I’d be tempted to make him take me to court for access and demand he provides more help than he does currently. Although that decision can only be yours.

I think it did need announcing. Disagree with people’s opinions. Don’t personally abuse someone.
Do I hear myself? I’m writing. I tend not to read out loud to myself anymore, despite being a child.

Actually scrap my last post. Do not put up with this OP. He’s pulling all the strings and laughing at you because you have no control. Cut the f**ker off.
I’m angry on your behalf 😡

Also, I realise that you’d be depriving yourself of the short breaks you do get if you cut him off. But as PP’s have suggested, you could look into respite care via social services.

Are there any relatives who’d be willing to give you a break even once a month so it’s not too much of an ask? I know I’d do it for mine. We don’t know until we ask.

I’d be looking into your options ASAP. Knowledge is power. That’s exactly where you can claw some back.

I know you’re upset with the outcome but honestly I think it’s a blessing.

No way would you have felt comfortable being a distance away when you know what type of man he is and that he’d end up leaving them on their own so you had to come back.

I personally wouldn’t want him anywhere near my children but I guess it’s court ordered.

Why not use the free time to see your partner as planned and then take your DCs to see your family.

You’ve already told him about the holiday and if he wants to take you to court over it then so be it.
No judge is going to punish you for taking your kids on holiday.

Poor kids will probably feel like no-one wants them over Christmas ! Hope he doesn't make his feelings known to them.

@Babyroobs if you read ALL of the OP's posts, you will see how NOT TRUE that is in relation to the OP.

The DCs' father, on the other hand ... certified arsehole.

Thanks for your reply, and your suggestions. The local Short Breaks isn’t suitable for them for a number of reasons. And actually they’re good kids, they just need supervising so I’m looking into experienced capable sitters to see how that goes, just for some headspace