What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

Mates place or?

We are going diving for the two weeks before it - lovely hotel and sunshine, doing their favourite things!

He doesn’t want them AT ALL really. And I have them, willingly and loveingly the rest of the time. We are not religious, my family are hours away and they would be sitting at home with me (plans scuppered) or with me at my partner’s house which they wouldn’t want.

Mate runs the diving school at the hotel and got us a good rate. Your point being?

I wouldn't want to leave my dc with someone who didn't want them there of Xmas and their birthday, however sounds like it will be the case whatever way this goes so not sure what's ideal. Sad all round. Tbf you shouldn't have made the plans without entering them with him first

It is a horrific thing to do to Dc.. how old are they..

Tell them to ask dad for the tech bits.

I am a Lp of a teenage boy so have had to learn about these things. Currys / game all have staff who have been really helpful.

Assuming they are teenagers as vr's aren't recommended for young children, make the most of them.

My ds has had no contact with dad since he was 3. I get £7 a week cms.... been resentful about what ex doesn't do is pointless

Ah so now the truth is coming out, You are sending your dc to their Dads who you admit doesnt want them, to spend chrsitmas with your boyfriend.

Well done.

I'm out, I cant stand parents who put their new partners above their kids.

I did. He’s known about this for ages but is changing his mind and is kicking off about bringing them home after his allotted 2 nights and then calling social services if I’m not here. He was and still is very controlling.

I'm in your corner on this as I too have an ex who is prone to fucking with plans when it suits him. I am very used to him saying to me he can't have his children at a time previously agreed for various reasons, and expecting me to change plans I have made. I work hard and do 90% of the parenting so damn right if I have the chance of a break I am going to take it.

I don't know the ins and outs of this situation but having been there and got the t-shirt I'd call his bluff. You agreed on a plan via email, and you are now going to be elsewhere. After two weeks with you they want to see their dad so you will be sticking to the plan, thank you.

The children don't need to know about any of this and I would be moving heaven and earth to make sure they didn't find out. For me at least it would have nothing to do with "not wanting them" as many posters here are saying - you're taking them on a two week holiday! It's about sharing the load, sticking to agreed plans and making sure both parents get a break. It's entirely different being a single parent - you need downtime because when you're "on", you are 100% on.

I don’t know why everyone’s jumping on OP here. It sounds like you agreed the plans months ago and he’s backing out now. He’s a total CF threatening to bring them home early and call SS if you’re not there and your kids deserve better. But for their sake, I think you need to change your plans because he’s certainly not going to change his mind. Spend the 2 nights he will have them doing what you want then try and make a nice Christmas for them

The children don't need to know about any of this and I would be moving heaven and earth to make sure they didn't find out.

They will find out if the Dad tries to return them to Mum who isn't there and calls SS. How can they possible not pick up on this stuff.

Is it really so hard to understand that some people don't like Christmas?? And that it's not some kind of exceptional, special day that means you don't loove your faaaaaamily if you're not bothered about spending it with them?? OP obviously prefers experiences and travel rather than materialistic stuff, so why not let them spend Christmas (which is largely about stuff, for tweens) with the more materialistic parent?

OP, your ex sounds very, very, very similar to mine 🙄. Minimum effort Disney dad a- go go! I think you may have screwed up, tactically, by not confirming whether he was prepared to have them on the 21st BEFORE letting him know you were off on holiday, because he knows he's got leverage over you now.

But are you intending to call his bluff by not being there if he suddenly decides to drop the kids off early? No, there is nothing he can do in that case, unless you think he is capable of dumping the kids outside an empty house. Is he??

(I've currently had the DC two weekends in a row and half term so far. XP is supposed to have them every other weekend, but "forgot" that and booked a holiday in Greece. Looks like he also "forgot" to pay this month's maintenance- probably needed it for holiday spends. The only place he has ever taken them on holiday was 3 nights at Pontin's over the February half term 🤦‍♀️. He's supposed to be picking them up tomorrow, but hasn't deigned to reply to my messages asking when, so God knows if I'm going to be able to finally get any work done).

They will spend years in therapy exploring why neither their mum or dad could be arsed with them.

Unbelievable. You have your own agenda to push here.

for clarity, he’s not a “new partner.” My ex had agreed he would be having them AND won’t have seen them in the weeks prior AND only sees them the bare minimum. And yet I’m fit to burn for wanting a tiny percent of the hols, which I dislike anyway, to myself without the kids. My partner would make them welcome but THEY wouldn’t want that, so I wouldn’t put them through it. And my ex changing his mind has everything to do with wanting to mess up my plans. And no, my partner wasn’t an affair partner, I divorced my ex because he was an abusive controlling bully who was removed by the police in the end. I’m wondering what on earth you think I should do, besides absolutely shelve any plans unless my ex sees fit to step up and do the bare minimum required?

But that isn’t true though is it? Read the thread.

I have. That's what I think.

The may well need therapy for their father’s stunning behaviour. I truly cannot do any more. And May I point out that I just wanted to have some time to myself over the school hols having just had them all by myself on hols.

Well exactly! But I should just martyr on apparently.

There is nothing wrong with a single parent- who does all the actual parenting by the sound of it- finding a new partner and wanting to spend some time with them on her very rare time off. Nothing.

OP, what do you imagine SS will do if he calla them?! They'll simply tell him to keep hold of them till you come back! Unless he genuinely chooses to abandon them- in which case he'll be in deep shit, won't he.

Yep, send your kids to a father who doesnt want them and is an abusive controlling bully who has previously been removed by police so you can have some time to yourself with your bunk up.

Thankyou! He knows that I will always capitulate as far as the kids go and if I’m not here that I’ll be worrying that he will just bring them back and try and dump them.

No he wouldn’t leave them in an empty house I don’t think but I can’t be sure. He would do it if he thought they’d only be alone for a few hours u til I got myself home from wherever.

Ok you’re being weird and abusive now and I think getting off on this somehow. So now I should stop them from seeing him? Riiight.

I think you should examine the cheap thrills you’re getting from posting like this to me.

Apparently there is. See the nonsense posted by the unhinged on this thread.

I don’t know what they would do - I suppose I was thinking that if he’s done over his 52 nights then the expectation is on me to be here at all times even if we had agreed previously he would have them from 21st onward. It’s more mind fuckery from him really.

Wtf am I reading
if you are devoted to them as you say you are
you give them a fantastic Christmas,you put the tree up ,lights up ,hot choc and films ,bake together,if you can’t afford the gifts they want ,join the club ,most of us are managing our kids expectations this year .scale it back ,but but make a fuss ,make it fun
yes we know you don’t like Christmas,..but bizarrely kids do ,so parents make the effort..it’s not about the money you spend ,it’s about the day together ,the magic ,the meal ,just do a small stocking each as they will of had a nice holiday already .

You're Ex sounds very toxic. I'm surprised you put up with this minimal effort, deadbeat, Disney dad for so long.

He needs to be put in his place.

Call his bluff. Unless you had written exchanges between you stating he is bringing them back on so and so date, and then you're not there, that would be proof he could show to social services. But atm there's no written proof of his last minute change of plans. So he can't pin you on anything in regards to social services.

Even if there was written proof, social services don't act in real abuse cases, due to funding cuts etc, let alone something like this. If he dares to leave them in your house alone, it's on him, parental neglect. You can then use this, to take him to court to have his visitation rights revoked. I'm confident he will be secretly happy he doesn't have to see or look after them anymore.

He needs to either co-parent 50:50, or be out completely. This bare minimum deadbeat dad shit is toxic, both to you and your kids.

To those who say she's putting her bf before her kids, I'm sure she's not. She looks after them ALL THE TIME, bar 52 nights a year. She's allowed within reason, to have a life outside her kids too, as long as they're not in any harm, and have someone to look after them, like their dad should look after them.

I'm actually appalled at all the stretch Armstrongs on here applying so much reach to call the op a bad parent

Plans were made and agreed months ago Plans that played to everyone's strengths mum gets to holiday with the kids for two weeks dad gets to play santa for a week and a half kids happy DAD decides that this is not what HE wants to hell with the kids and what suits them

How is this mums fault? My Christmas is quiet because it's not my favourite time of the year if I'm honest and I'm fine admitting it but people HATE the fact that I'm not a Christmas person I should be pissing mulled whine and shitting turkey apparently because "tis the season" of forced joy and happiness