What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

There was always tensions and fights and nastiness and storming about. Horrible for all concerned.

Can you not see both you and ex are creating tension around Christmas for your kids now? They will pick up on how both parents want to do their own thing and on that particular day. I'm really sorry you had such awful Christmasses.

But to give a perspective on what you actually asked. I've no idea what the legal answer is but just thinking what if he "anonymously" rang SS. He might not say he is their dad, he could just ring and say neighbours kids are on their own.....?

OP, with your children’s significant needs, are they aware of Christmas?
I think this is what it should boil down to.

If they are completely oblivious to Christmas then it will just be another day for them and it’s fine to be firm with your ex on this point.

If they are aware it is Christmas and aware you do not want to spend it with them because you are seeing your boyfriend, and aware their dad doesn’t want to spend it with them either, this is creating a huge hurt that will not be forgotten.

I understand you and many other posters are justifying your stance because Christmas isn’t important to you because of various childhood traumas. This isn’t justification for creating a childhood trauma (being unwanted on Christmas) for your own children.

They will already feel the rejection from their dad. They do not need these feelings of rejection compounded by their mum.

I’m sorry. I know it’s really hard for you, but you have to find an alternative to rejecting them.

i understand you are disappointed
whether or not you get mumsnet approval
you have a right to your feelings op.

They absolutely do and still think they've said nothing wrong. Honestly I wouldnt waste a single thought on those brainless misogynists. They're too far gone. If they continue to reply just skip over. Without looking at what they will even say, feel safe in the knowledge it will be utter garbage.

youve enough to deal with every single day without that nonsense.

I suggest reading all the posts. OPs kids have requested PS5s and VR headsets. They are sure aware of Christmas and as an exercise in receiving. The kids clearly do not go without. They are also having a 2 week holiday in the sun.

People need to stop acting like @AnightwiththeTiger 's kids are hard done by and suffer. Seriously.

I feel bad for you I really do. People have really gone to town on you her with their own opinions and what they think Christmas should be like. Two weeks away in the sun/hotel is an awesome school holiday/gift. I'm sorry your ex won't commit to extra time, it's truly shit. I hope you can still make the most of the time you do get with new partner after your fab family hols.

I have read all the thread. It’s just hard to keep track of the various issues and versions of the issues.

I stand by what I said. It’s not the time to take a stance if the main people to suffer will be your children.

@JudesBiggestFan The thing I find baffling about single parents is that they so often think they're entitled to time alone with a new partner on a regular basis. Yet those of us who stay married somehow manage to soldier on having the kids 365 days of the year together.

Well, no. Those of us who are married can step out for a break pretty much any time we need it, as long as it can be planned. You could have a week away with friends or family, then your partner could do the same. Lots of couples do this. It's baffling you have no empathy for those who have to go it alone, tbh.

OP, my ex and I take turns to have the DC at Christmas. The one who doesn't get the day does an alternative Christmas. My kids don't like having two houses, but having two Christmasses goes some way to compensating! And this is what you're doing: your Christmas for them is a great holiday and I'm sure they'll remember that.

Yes I found that post particularly jarring. I’ve just had a phone consultation with my Gynae. I need a small procedure done and yet I’m delaying it because I’d have to be driven home from hospital and would be out of action for about 48 hours. I have no backup childcare and no driver. So unless I pulled in every favour going, and coordinated it with school runs and babysitters I can’t get it done. Currently the cost benefit isn’t worth it so I’ve delayed it. And yet that poster seemed to think that it’s the same as being married - I can’t imagine how easy life would be to have another adult committed to the kids and to me and to making it all click and work. I am absolutely on my own with this.
And no, my ex wouldn’t have them. He wouldn’t even have them when my dad died, and refused to come to the funeral too, when the kids really needed supporting. He’s THAT much of an arse.

As someone who drove myself home after a hysteroscopy and polyp removal on gas and air (and really, really shouldn't have 😬) simply because I keep all my "friend favours" for "real" emergencies, I can wholeheartedly sympathise OP.

@JulesCobb
I’ve reported your abusive posts. They’re completely unnecessary.

I need a small procedure done and yet I’m delaying it because I’d have to be driven home from hospital and would be out of action for about 48 hours.

Can’t you try and book it for over the Christmas period when you don’t have your kids or on a day before they stay at their dads for a weekend?

Then your partner can drive you home and take care of you.

No, because firstly he won’t confirm when he’s having them, and will only tell me when he’s NOT having them.

so as per what prompted me to post, suppose instead of going away somewhere, I stayed and had the op, and the ex decides to drop them back, and I’m here, I’ve got 3 kids to mind post operatively. And, the way it’s looking, rustle up a magical Christmas.

And also it’s an operation not a quick leg wax. I can’t just ring and expect the surgeon to fit around me, it’s whenever she is operating, and who is on her list etc.

Youre still at it aren’t you? Why?

“On a day before they stay at their dads”

How do they get there? He won’t pick them up. He makes me drive half way and if we are delayed in any way, he drives home again and makes me drive the whole distance - even though he has nothing better to do as he should be with his kids. He did this last time - we were stuck at the motorway turnoff behind a bump and he was in the carpark about 500 yds away but he wouldn’t wait, and shouted filth at me and then drove off so I had to add another 50 miles onto the journey to drop the kids with him, and they were all crying.

Thankyou. It’s an ablation I need, to sort out torrential peri bleeding. But I keep putting it off. And then am knackered.

I’m not rejecting them! And this isn’t about “seeing my boyfriend” - I’d feel the same whether there was someone else or not. I just want a break. I just need a break.

Your ex sounds like a really nasty piece of work, and as someone who thinks it’s necessary you pick up the slack and make the kids feel like you want to spend Christmas with them, I still don’t think you’re “as bad” for having other plans.

I know you’re not rejecting them. I was writing from the point of view of how your children will see it.
They will feel rejected when they know both parents are bickering over who has to have them over Christmas.

A wise friend once said to me "he didn't do anything to help you when you were married, what makes you think he'll help now you're divorced?" ...she was right and it focussed my expectations of him a bit more clearly

Youre still at it aren’t you? Why?

Huh?!

If you want to just have a moan then say that but don’t post things and not expect people to give advice.

You say you need an op. and you also say he has them 2 nights EOW (which is the issue as he refuses to have them any longer or 2 weekends on the trot) and you say your partner has leave over Christmas which is why you’re planning to spend time with him - so surely it’s not hard to work out that these would be the best dates.

Of course the hospital can’t give you preferential treatment but you can say can you try and fit me in on X dates or let me know if there is a cancellation as that’s when my DCs are at their dads/ my partner can pick me up/ my DCs on are respite etc.

I’m not saying you’re guaranteed a slot but I’ve had to do this myself and they do try and fit you in if they can.

I’m not saying you’re guaranteed a slot but I’ve had to do this myself and they do try and fit you in if they can.

At Christmas? And they do admissions at the weekend?
I wish I lived near your magical hospital.

Admissions = ablations

At Christmas? And they do admissions at the weekend?
I wish I lived near your magical hospital

Well it wouldn’t be on Christmas or the weekend would it.

OP said she needs 48hours to recover which is the time they spend at their dads, so would have to get it done on the Thursday or Friday before - hospitals are open then.

And as I said they might not be able to give her a slot but they were very good when I had to have an op.
As a single parent with a SN child the only time I could get it done was when I had the respite and they managed to get me in on a cancellation.

Sitting at home thinking about it isn’t going to get it done.

But being proactive and telling them when the respite dates are or weekends they’re at their dads and to ask for cancellations (especially if you need a last minute one) will be better than doing absolutely nothing.

This thread has brought out some unnecessary misogynistic and anti-single parent comments that are quite shocking.
Solo parenting is pretty tough (and by that I mean having the children by yourself so something both parents in a 50:50 would have on their set days), especially when you haven't got a back stop of friends or family. Add into that the extra input required for and difficulties related to parenting SEN children. Consider OP has very very limited "breaks" when the children's dad has the children. She will be exhausted.
The holiday booked for her and her DC sounds incredible - sun and swimming with some help from a friend. I can't imagine anything better in December. Her DC will benefit hugely from this holiday.
When the holiday was booked OP was under the impression from having sent the Dc's dad an email that he agreed to this arrangement. To me it's not a question of the fact he had the children for Christmas last year and therefore it must be OP's turn. If this was another holiday - would anybody be saying it was unfair of OP to expect the kids dad to have them for 9 days in August again?
I do agree that you can't force someone to step up and help out even though it might be in the ex's long term best interests. If OP burns out and has a crisis and simply can no longer look after the children (a friend of mine had a breakdown and her OH then looked after the children) - I am afraid he will be asked to step in.
It is in everyone's best interests including the children that OP gets a break where possible to allow her best to continue parenting for the long term benefit of her physical and mental health.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I find it baffling when people think I can just 'step out' for the weekend. No I couldn't! I have three children, all of them with activities at weekends. My husband works overtime on a Saturday morning...I work full time all week, as does he. Weekends run as...football Saturday morning, shopping/play dates/homework Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, football x2, Sunday afternoon family walk/see grandparents. I am a parent all the time...when I chose to have three I knew I wouldn't get much downtime (but no-one ever really knows how little of course!). My annual leave and my money is prioritised for my kids...neither my husband nor I disappear off for weekends/holidays without them. The single parents I know have way, way more free time than I have. Parenting is difficult and requires sacrifice...but in the long run having settled, secure, mentally healthy children will be far more rewarding than weekends away.