What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

@AnightwiththeTiger

But you originally said you don't want them at Christmas because its "over commercial crap". Well why are you spending it with your boyfriend and his kids? Surely if you hate Xmas so much and need a break - you would spend it by yourself/hiding from all things festive....not going to some new family to celebrate?

However fancy the holiday, however fancy the presents, kids just want to feel wanted and loved. The idea of them being dropped off somewhere and you refusing to have them or not being there....heart breaking.

Your ex is obviously awful but I think you gotta pick your own kids at Christmas over your boyfriends kids.

I know you won’t agree but SOME people think Christmas is shit. And refuse to buy into the notion that it isn’t.

If you hate Christmas then why are you visiting people on and around Christmas?

Surely you’d make sure to spend it alone or with someone who doesn’t celebrate it rather than going to see family and spending it with your boyfriend and his kids.

Is it possible to move your holiday abroad so you come back on, say, Boxing Day?

Or, they're at your house on 25th but with all Dad's gifts to open.

You don't have to "do Christmas" with all the cosy blankets and shit if they're loving their tech.

I think the only way to start to assuage your enormous feelings of stress and bitterness around this is to give up on him.
He barely wants to parent so being with him can’t be wonderful for them. As hard as the load is, I would just go with it and give up on him. At least then you have control and the children are always with the person who bears the load.

Because they’re off work.

Oh FFS. Where is your compassion? At least read the OP's posts in such a way that you might actually understand them.

Nope, booked ages ago

@AnightwiththeTiger I think soft play is living hell, still go to it with my toddler. I don't think anyone is arguing that you should like Christmas, but perhaps your kids like it?

Just to be clear, I don’t want to or plan to spend the entire time that the kids are with their dad, at my partners with his kids. They’re unlikely to be there much, they don’t live or stay with him a great deal and are older than mine so pop in and out. But yes, I would like to see my partner. Just the two of us occasionally. Shoot me…

Yeah, I agree

TBF Op, if you go to anyone's house at Christmas you're going to be doing Christmas, unless they also collectively don't do Christmas. Possible, but unlikely.

I get the shit DH thing, more than you can imagine. I just think it's getting clearer you'd rather do it elsewhere to your kids.

I’m reaching that conclusion. It’s so disappointing. He is steadily getting more and more distant from them. I facilitate their relationship even though I’d love it if he fell off the face of the earth frankly.

I do agree actually, As a single parent of 3 from toddlers to a teen I hate Christmas i don’t find it exciting at all it’s stressful and expensive and can be quite a sad time when your doing it alone BUT my feelings don’t come before my kids who deserve to have an amazing day like every other child around them so I paint a face on buy the gifts and make sure they have the most special day and don’t push my own feelings or views on to them and ruin their views of the magic of Xmas.

Go and look at the lone parents board,and the number of parents there whose ex’s are playing happy families with their new girlfriends and their kids while ignoring the ones they have themselves.

It’s understandable that OP wants some time away from her kids but Christmas isn’t the time to do it. Christmas is different to all other times of the year, regardless of whether OP likes it. Given she’s spending Christmas with other kids and family she clearly is capable of celebrating it.

If the OP needs time away from the kids she needs to arrange it at some other point. But not at Christmas.

This was my first thought. Imagine both your arguing over who has to take you, instead of wanting to take you 😓

Both your parents*

I agree. But some of the comments aimed at the OP are just cruel. Parenting special needs children virtually singlehandedly must be totally exhausting, and some understanding and compassion from those who have been accusing her of being a neglectful mother, would go a long way.

However, I agree that relying on his 'agreement in principle' and going ahead with your plans is not going to work. As this poster says, playing power games will only see you lose:

When you are parenting with a shit ex, my advice would be to not play the power games. Make your children feel wanted on big days like Christmas and birthdays. Even if you don’t like it. Me and my kids are really close. The fact that I have always been there when it was clear their dad didn’t want them has paid off massively.

If you go ahead with your plans,@AnightwiththeTiger , and end up having to return because he is threatening to 'dump' them, he will have won his nasty game. I think this is exactly what he is hoping for!

Far better to be proactive and take control. I know you hate Christmas, but there must be a way of spending these 10 days with your children, and your partner, which leaves everyone happy?

PS: whatever you do, don't overindulge them with expensive presents. They know the holiday is the present. Your dick of an ex can fund whatever else...

He sounds like a total arsehole, and is being difficult to try to continue his control of you by stopping you from making independent plans.

As for the post I’ve quoted, could you email him and ask him to confirm in writing if he will be having them from 21-30 December as agreed? And if not, which days he is proposing to have them over Christmas? If he is equivocal about when he has them then I think you will have to respond to say that unless he confirms when he will have them, you will keep them the whole holiday.

I know that is unfair and shit for you given how badly you need a break (and no judgment for that, it sounds really tough), but at least you and more importantly your kids will know where you stand. Unconfirmed plans with a selfish abusive dick of a father who is capable of dumping them at an empty house for a few hours till you rush back is a recipe for disaster - for you and your kids.

He won’t even open their school reports. All of their (massive) educational responsibility is on me.

Oh but according to MN you are the monster. When will we stop pandering to theses monstrous men ?

Given she’s spending Christmas with other kids and family she clearly is capable of celebrating it.

No, I’m not. Partners kids are not planning to come over, and might pop in on boxing night but nothing arranged so far. And yes there would be something arranged if I was bringing all mine too but the loose plan was just the two of us for Christmas Day. So I’m most certainly not replacing my kids for his.

That’s not what @AnightwiththeTiger wrote. FFS if you’re going to beat up the OP, at least read her posts properly.

And this folks is what happens when neither parent can be arsed . Money or no money .

Fucking hell OP, sounds shit. Ignore the posters giving you a hard time, you've answered all their points and then some, if they don't understand the issue then there is no hope at this point.

Has their dad told you directly that he's not having them over Christmas? If not carry on regardless. If he's told you directly then I'd also carry on with your plans regardless.

If he reports you to SS they will see that their parent, who has PR, has them and that they are safe. They may call you, and you tell them he had agreed to have them for half of the holidays. They won't do anything else as your children are safe and with a parent who has PR. If for any reason they thought there was a risk to your kids they may do an assessment. If they do ask for additional support if there is any, respite maybe? I don't know your children's level of need sorry.

You are entitled to a life, you are entitled to a break, you are raising your children with a lack of support from their father, you are doing a great job. Enjoy your break so that you can continue to do so.

For future reference maybe don't mention this is happening around Christmas, people are weird.......

@WindyHedges obviously the ex is a total useless twat and sounds like OP is doing a great job of doing 99% of parenting BUT people are still allowed to say she's got to pick up the slack at Xmas to prioritise the kids. Yes it's awful he's getting away with it but not as awful as the kids feeling unwanted when all their friends will be spending Xmas with their families