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Original poster

What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

348 replies

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 17:56

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

OP posts:
Waitingfordecember · 26/10/2022 18:51

Your ex sounds like a terrible father. Unfortunately you can’t control this. It’s not fair, but him being shit doesn’t mean you can stop putting your children first.

The only thing you can control here is your behaviour… do you want your children to feel unwanted at Christmas?

Yes, your ex should be doing 100% more (and if he came on here I’m sure everyone would tell him he’s horrible). But if he won’t, you need to step up for your children’s sake. Take him out of the equation and think about how they will feel if their dad doesn’t want them and their mum is hours away with her partner and also refuses to have them.

Again, I know it’s not fair but there’s no other option that doesn’t hurt your children.

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2022 18:52

You and your ex are fighting about which of you gets the short straw and has to do children for Christmas because of whether it's fair or not.

Appalling.

Poor kids.

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:52

Autumflower · 26/10/2022 18:49

Wtf am I reading
if you are devoted to them as you say you are
you give them a fantastic Christmas,you put the tree up ,lights up ,hot choc and films ,bake together,if you can’t afford the gifts they want ,join the club ,most of us are managing our kids expectations this year .scale it back ,but but make a fuss ,make it fun
yes we know you don’t like Christmas,..but bizarrely kids do ,so parents make the effort..it’s not about the money you spend ,it’s about the day together ,the magic ,the meal ,just do a small stocking each as they will of had a nice holiday already .

That may be your idea of delightful but it just isn’t for other people. Not everyone likes all that shit. They just don’t. We do loads of other stuff, I don’t see why one day gets all the fuss it does. And why, more to the point their dad can’t do this! He won’t have seen them for blood weeks before hand!

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Unseelie · 26/10/2022 18:53

Neither parent wants to be with their children at Christmas?!

This is the saddest post I’ve ever seen.

😭

RedHelenB · 26/10/2022 18:53

Don't rely on your ex. You know he's unreliable ots a hard lesson to learn but once you have life becomes a lot less frustrating.
You can't make him be a good father but you can think about what a good mother would do in this situation

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:53

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2022 18:52

You and your ex are fighting about which of you gets the short straw and has to do children for Christmas because of whether it's fair or not.

Appalling.

Poor kids.

Yep because I do EVERYTHING else.

OP posts:
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:54

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Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:55

So, seeing as he is so unreliable and may well try and pull the plug on having his own children who he hardly sees, I’ll have to stay handy and not make any plans of my own, just in case.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:56

Waitingfordecember · 26/10/2022 18:51

Your ex sounds like a terrible father. Unfortunately you can’t control this. It’s not fair, but him being shit doesn’t mean you can stop putting your children first.

The only thing you can control here is your behaviour… do you want your children to feel unwanted at Christmas?

Yes, your ex should be doing 100% more (and if he came on here I’m sure everyone would tell him he’s horrible). But if he won’t, you need to step up for your children’s sake. Take him out of the equation and think about how they will feel if their dad doesn’t want them and their mum is hours away with her partner and also refuses to have them.

Again, I know it’s not fair but there’s no other option that doesn’t hurt your children.

Yep. Nodding sadly.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/10/2022 18:57

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:55

So, seeing as he is so unreliable and may well try and pull the plug on having his own children who he hardly sees, I’ll have to stay handy and not make any plans of my own, just in case.

Basically yes. What's to stop him having them in the first place, that would also scupper your plans. It's not fair but as the saying goes, life isn't fair

DucklingDaisy · 26/10/2022 18:57

Waitingfordecember · 26/10/2022 18:51

Your ex sounds like a terrible father. Unfortunately you can’t control this. It’s not fair, but him being shit doesn’t mean you can stop putting your children first.

The only thing you can control here is your behaviour… do you want your children to feel unwanted at Christmas?

Yes, your ex should be doing 100% more (and if he came on here I’m sure everyone would tell him he’s horrible). But if he won’t, you need to step up for your children’s sake. Take him out of the equation and think about how they will feel if their dad doesn’t want them and their mum is hours away with her partner and also refuses to have them.

Again, I know it’s not fair but there’s no other option that doesn’t hurt your children.

This. He’s an arsehole and has shafted you but that’s not your kids’ fault, and the logic of alternating who they do Christmas with is fairly standard.

Ekátn · 26/10/2022 18:58

It’s an odd one.
its sounds like it wasn’t sorted out. Agreeing in principle isn’t agreeing.

On the one hand. I see you mr point that he does very little. So does my ex.

On the other hand my kids (pre teen and and adult) are fully aware their dad never wanted them for Christmas and thinks it weird. Of course I would love a chilled Christmas, just me and dp. But I have kids and also had them over Christmas. Even last year when my mum was lying in the chapel of rest on Christmas Day m, waiting to be buried, and I just wanted to cry, I still had them. I tried my best. For them. Though they were obviously sad as well.

When you are parenting with a shit ex, my advice would be to not play the power games. Make your children feel wanted on big days like Christmas and birthdays. Even if you don’t like it. Me and my kids are really close. The fact that I have always been there when it was clear their dad didn’t want them has paid off massively.

This has just become a power play between the parents. The losers are always the kids. It’s not fair or easy. But that’s my advice.

DucklingDaisy · 26/10/2022 18:58

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:55

So, seeing as he is so unreliable and may well try and pull the plug on having his own children who he hardly sees, I’ll have to stay handy and not make any plans of my own, just in case.

Basically yeah, it’s close to parenting with one who isn’t interested in seeing them at all. Sorry he’s such a wanker.

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2022 18:58

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:53

Yep because I do EVERYTHING else.

Show quote history

Yes and?

Your kids suffer for their father enough and you can't be bothered with Christmas cos you don't like it?

In a couple of years time, you won't have to worry about it.

Poor kids.

They deserve a childhood still. It wasn't their fault their parents should never have had kids.

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 19:00

I hate this, you are called a bad parent because you don’t want the children over Christmas.

But he doesn’t want them either but isn’t a bad parent.

I assume you do most of the parenting and he does Disney dad bollocks

tell him you have plans and to suck it up and parent

Autumflower · 26/10/2022 19:02

I hate the beach ,hate the sand with passion ,like you wouldn’t believe I hate sand so much ,but I do .
where was I today ,
on a cheap break by the sea ,on the bloody sand ,trying to smile ,because my kids like it .
when we get home ,after a week of sodding sand ,it’s pumpkin carving,again something else I detest ..( I have sensory issues)
but I crack on and do it .
your ex husband sounds crap ,and you sound like you really need a break ,and we’re pinning your hopes on Christmas.
but maybe it’s the wrong time for a break ,could you not reschedule your plans ,so you have the kids at Christmas,and have your plans another time

DucklingDaisy · 26/10/2022 19:02

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 19:00

I hate this, you are called a bad parent because you don’t want the children over Christmas.

But he doesn’t want them either but isn’t a bad parent.

I assume you do most of the parenting and he does Disney dad bollocks

tell him you have plans and to suck it up and parent

That’s not true. He’s a really bad parent. I don’t think anyone is denying that he’s worse, they’re just saying that’s even more reason the kids really need OP to do a good job.

ManefesationofConciousness · 26/10/2022 19:03

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:05

Their school is private and they have shorter terms and do Saturday school so they break up earlier.

on the 7th?

HailAdrian · 26/10/2022 19:04

They deserve a childhood still. It wasn't their fault their parents should never have had kids.

People like you literally just post online to make people feel bad. Go away.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/10/2022 19:04

This sounds bloody awful, I would be gutted to be away from my kids over Christmas. XH is like you and doesn't seem to mind it. This whole counting up the days thing seems rather childish and in my view, neither one of you are putting the kids at the top of the list. My children are my priority, over everything. You both should get your priorities straight and stop bickering over who should be "landed" with your DCs. The whole tone of your OP makes me feel sick.

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 19:04

DucklingDaisy · 26/10/2022 19:02

That’s not true. He’s a really bad parent. I don’t think anyone is denying that he’s worse, they’re just saying that’s even more reason the kids really need OP to do a good job.

Show quote history

So she has to step up further because he refuses to?

DucklingDaisy · 26/10/2022 19:05

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 19:04

So she has to step up further because he refuses to?

Show quote history

Yes of course, because the alternative is that nobody steps up for her kids.

CharlotteRose90 · 26/10/2022 19:06

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TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/10/2022 19:10

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 19:04

So she has to step up further because he refuses to?

Show quote history

Yes because she is their mum, just because one parent behaves badly does not mean the other parent can or should do the same.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/10/2022 19:13

@AnightwiththeTiger It sounds as if the main issue is that you are more or less on your knees with 'doing it all' and you had pinned your hopes on getting a break over Christmas. I do get that (and I also hate Christmas). If I were you, I'd dig very deep and crack on and do Christmas as well. You do everything all the time anyway, so it's just a few more days. It doesn't have to involve big presents and expense (their father can buy the 'big ticket' presents: he will be flavour of the month for about 20 seconds as a result).

In years to come, your DC will at least know that you were always the one who was there for them (trite but true).