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Original poster

What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

348 replies

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 17:56

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

OP posts:
Beachhutnut · 26/10/2022 19:13

Can't he bring them to your family? I assume being family they'll be welcome? I know it's not fair, but the kids need to come first.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2022 19:14

I think you wrote a lot of your posts in high emotion and they didn't show you in your true light as a good mum. I'm sure you wouldn't allow your DC to come home to an empty house if there was the least chance that he'd actually drive them home knowing you were gone. I know that you want them to feel loved and cared for, Xmas or not. And I don't blame you for being upset and angry with your ex, he's a real piece of work!!

Hopefully, you've taken a deep breath now and been able to calm down. Fact is, there's nothing you can do about that waste of space. Unfortunately you're going to spend the rest of your life (even when your DC are grown) 'picking up the pieces' of his shitty parenting. It's infuriating, it sucks balls. But it is what it is and I'm sorry you're having to do that.

liveforsummer · 26/10/2022 19:14

So she has to step up further because he refuses to?

Yes, unfortunately for myself and many others this is what you have to do. It's either you do or no one does because nothing is going to make the waste of space men who we made poor choices when having dc with!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/10/2022 19:15

ManefesationofConciousness · 26/10/2022 19:03

on the 7th?

Show quote history

It doesn't mean the OP is genuine, obviously, but my DC broke up that early for Christmas (independent sector).

minidancer · 26/10/2022 19:15

It's crap and their dad is crap but you can't be crap too. Extend your holiday so you spend Christmas abroad or change the dates? I don't like Christmas so we celebrate in our own way......go abroad if we can afford it or just do a sunrise walk and drive to the beach and a cold picnic if we can't. Kids are used to only getting a few bits.....they wouldn't change our family Christmas now. You need to step up and find away to keep it special

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/10/2022 19:16

There is nothing he can do. Social work won't be interested. They aren't the parenting police and certainly aren't there to mediate co-parenting squabbles.

Stand your ground OP

Original poster
AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:16

I’m at risk of outing myself here but I truly couldn’t do more. The private school they’re in is a specialist provision, as they all have additional needs. We go “diving” but it’s not actually diving, that’s the for them purposes of the thread, it’s a LOT of swimming and my mate (cousin actually) runs a diving school on site and we get supported use of the excellent pool so they can work on their muscle tone. 2 can swim properly now! I wouldn’t be able to take them swimming otherwise because of the level of support they needed in the past although thinking about it, maybe the other two are “pool-safe.”

yes, I’m knackered. And I do it all for them. And I think the rinsing I’ve had on this thread is monstrous. Grossly unfair. And yes I urge a partner who is not their father and he’s great with them but I would like some time without them occasionally and I hate Christmas. Always have.

OP posts:
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/10/2022 19:18

liveforsummer · 26/10/2022 19:14

So she has to step up further because he refuses to?

Yes, unfortunately for myself and many others this is what you have to do. It's either you do or no one does because nothing is going to make the waste of space men who we made poor choices when having dc with!

Spot on. I was inwardly very, very angry about it some of the time, but there's no choice but to take a deep breath, allow yourself to feel intensely fed up and disappointed, slap a smile on and get on with it.

MayThe4th · 26/10/2022 19:18

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 19:04

So she has to step up further because he refuses to?

Show quote history

Yes.

The alternative is two adults essentially using their children as pawns to get at each other.

It may not seem fair but the truth is that if he won’t step up then she needs to.

If they were together she couldn’t refuse to have the kids at Christmas.

When you’re a parent you’re a parent all the time. Just because she’s a single parent doesn’t entitle her to time away from them at Christmas. Yes it might be nice, but it shouldn’t be a given.

And why can’t the boyfriend come to them at Christmas? Or could it be that the kids don’t get on with him? If he was a decent human being and if the kids had a decent relationship with him, he would change his plans to spend Christmas with the OP and her kids who now won’t be spending it with their dad.

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 19:19

Most separated couples argue about whose having the kids over Xmas because they want to see them.

Poor kids.

Why not compromise and have them for Xmas day and then ex has them Boxing Day onwards.

Or they go to their dads between the holiday and Xmas day and then come to yours.

Why can’t you spend it with your DP and the DCs?

You say you don’t go Xmas but yet you’re annoyed that you might not be able to spend it with your DP.

Surely you can see him anytime?

JustLyra · 26/10/2022 19:19

It’s shit that he does so little but there’s nothing you can do. You can’t make someone be a good parent unfortunately.

You just have to balance up the risk-reward of calling his bluff and what impact that would have on your kids.

erinaceus · 26/10/2022 19:19

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/10/2022 19:13

@AnightwiththeTiger It sounds as if the main issue is that you are more or less on your knees with 'doing it all' and you had pinned your hopes on getting a break over Christmas. I do get that (and I also hate Christmas). If I were you, I'd dig very deep and crack on and do Christmas as well. You do everything all the time anyway, so it's just a few more days. It doesn't have to involve big presents and expense (their father can buy the 'big ticket' presents: he will be flavour of the month for about 20 seconds as a result).

In years to come, your DC will at least know that you were always the one who was there for them (trite but true).

I was going to say something similar. You might have to change your Christmas plans this year.

Can you make a more watertight plan to get a few days to yourself, either before Christmas or after, with someone other than your XH taking care of the children? Do they stay with grandparents for example, or do you have a family friend you can trade favours with? It sounds as if you really need a break to look forward to and some headspace for yourself.

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 19:19

@@AnightwiththeTiger

have you got it 'in writing' (email text) that he's having the from the 31st to xx?

if you have I'd remind him
if that & tell him you'll be away from the 21st to xxx

he sounds like a complete cunt, but it doesn't sound like he'd just leave them
home alone, knowing you're not back for days on end.

if it's in writing, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on & even if he did call SS (he won't) and they think you're unfit (they won't) it's a bit of an own goal if they tell him he's got full 'custody' of them isn't it.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/10/2022 19:19

And I think the rinsing I’ve had on this thread is monstrous

I agree.

Goldbar · 26/10/2022 19:19

Your ex sounds awful and a terrible parent, but sadly all that really means is that you need to step up and work twice as hard unless you want your kids to miss out.

Reset their expectations (or direct them to their father for their expensive tech), plan a few days out and give them a good Christmas through gritted teeth. They won't be young forever and eventually you'll have as much freedom as you want (or maybe more than you'd ideally like).

America12 · 26/10/2022 19:21

Bloody hell you're getting hammered , unfairly. Your ex sounds like a dick , hope you get some time to yourself over Christmas.

Ekátn · 26/10/2022 19:22

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:16

I’m at risk of outing myself here but I truly couldn’t do more. The private school they’re in is a specialist provision, as they all have additional needs. We go “diving” but it’s not actually diving, that’s the for them purposes of the thread, it’s a LOT of swimming and my mate (cousin actually) runs a diving school on site and we get supported use of the excellent pool so they can work on their muscle tone. 2 can swim properly now! I wouldn’t be able to take them swimming otherwise because of the level of support they needed in the past although thinking about it, maybe the other two are “pool-safe.”

yes, I’m knackered. And I do it all for them. And I think the rinsing I’ve had on this thread is monstrous. Grossly unfair. And yes I urge a partner who is not their father and he’s great with them but I would like some time without them occasionally and I hate Christmas. Always have.

I have a great partner. He would probably have liked more time alone. But he accepts that my kids dad is shit and that I won’t let the kids feel that no one wants them. And he certainly wouldn’t create a fuss if it’s their birthday or Christmas.

So he accepts it as it is. And honestly, last Christmas was shite for me, for reasons already stated. This Christmas is going to be shite as well. For the same reasons. But again, it’s about the kids.

Like I said, it’s not fair. But I won’t let my kids feel no one wants them.

BedtimeBiscuits · 26/10/2022 19:22

I haven’t read the full thread so this may have already been commented on, but if he usually has them 3 nights a month, then suddenly 9 nights in a row is quite a shift in the dynamic, no?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable wanting some time to yourself, but this is such a massive shift from the norm and that part of it I do think is unreasonable.

DucklingDaisy · 26/10/2022 19:24

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 19:16

I’m at risk of outing myself here but I truly couldn’t do more. The private school they’re in is a specialist provision, as they all have additional needs. We go “diving” but it’s not actually diving, that’s the for them purposes of the thread, it’s a LOT of swimming and my mate (cousin actually) runs a diving school on site and we get supported use of the excellent pool so they can work on their muscle tone. 2 can swim properly now! I wouldn’t be able to take them swimming otherwise because of the level of support they needed in the past although thinking about it, maybe the other two are “pool-safe.”

yes, I’m knackered. And I do it all for them. And I think the rinsing I’ve had on this thread is monstrous. Grossly unfair. And yes I urge a partner who is not their father and he’s great with them but I would like some time without them occasionally and I hate Christmas. Always have.

I’m sorry, I hope I’ve not contributed to you feeling attacked and I agree some of it has been really unfair and unwarranted. I just think unavoidably, the parent who gives more of a fuck is going to have to pick up the slack in a situation like this. The one who is happier to make their kids feel unwanted ‘wins’. It feels very unfair but it is what it is.

I hope you get the opportunity to have some time away with your partner soon, even if it’s not over Christmas as you’d planned.

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 19:25

Bloody hell you're getting hammered , unfairly. Your ex sounds like a dick , hope you get some time to yourself over Christmas.

Is it any wonder when OP would rather see her boyfriend over Xmas than her kids!

Yes their dad is also a dick but OP is not coming across well either.

Quveas · 26/10/2022 19:26

AnightwiththeTiger · 26/10/2022 18:49

Apparently there is. See the nonsense posted by the unhinged on this thread.

I don’t know what they would do - I suppose I was thinking that if he’s done over his 52 nights then the expectation is on me to be here at all times even if we had agreed previously he would have them from 21st onward. It’s more mind fuckery from him really.

Show quote history

Regardless of right or wrong, anyone who disagrees with your own opinion is "unhinged"? You both sound delightful, and I pity the poor kids who nobody wants. Yes, all parents should step up. Some don't. But you're prepared to have your children dumped on your doorstep at Christmas to prove a point?

WindyHedges · 26/10/2022 19:27

TooShyShyShhh · 26/10/2022 18:11

right I’ll take you on hols and that’s your Christmas present which they all agreed to

If you told them that was their present it’s not like they could say ‘no thank you, I’d rather have a cd, new phone & a jacket from river island instead’ is it?

poor kids.

I find it extraordinary that @AnightwiththeTiger is being told off on this thread for not caring for her children or not wanting them. Sad but not surprising how she’s being shredded by other women.

But most PPs are ignoring the fact that the children’s father parents his DC for less than a day a week and needs to be reminded of his obligations, including his meanness in paying only the minimum of CSM.

Clearly is the children’s father who does not want his DC. But most of you blame the OP?

MN is really weird and very cruel sometimes.

autienotnaughty · 26/10/2022 19:27

You have two options

Make kids aware you are away over Xmas. Then be away. If he tells kids they are going home they will know you won't be there.

Cancel plans and have kids.

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/10/2022 19:27

@AnightwiththeTiger

I think the rinsing I’ve had on this thread is monstrous

Completely agree - some of the replies you've received are bonkers. So many double standards, people transferring their own issues onto you and some outright nutters.

Cameleongirl · 26/10/2022 19:28

I can't understand why the OP is getting hammered here. She's taking them on a two-week holiday, not abandoning them! Christmas isn't a huge deal in every family, some people don't celebrate it at all. Their Dad can have them, it's perfectly reasonable,

Do you have a good relationship with other of his family members, OP, such as your former in-laws? They might back you up and probably help your ex out over Christmas if he thinks he can't manage (even though you somehow do every day.🙄)