What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

This 👏🏻👏🏻

if you hadn’t split with their dad, would you still be leaving them on Christmas?

Saying that he is also avoiding dealing with one of their birthdays still sounds like they are an inconvenience to both of you. Wouldn’t you be upset to not be with them on their birthday? I would hate to miss my child’s birthday :(

Haha 😆

I mean, I like camping. I like going camping with the kids. They love it, and I love giving them this healthy, fun outdoor experience.

Shall I start guilting every mother on Mumsnet who doesn't take her kids camping for failing to make magical precious memorieees with her darling kiddies? They obviously don't care enough. 🙄

Jesus, the Santa shagging on this thread 🙄

I’ll assume you’re also the type to not want to see their kids on Christmas or their birthdays then like OP and her ex.

Holy fuck, I absolutely love Christmas and can't imagine not wanting to spend it with my DD, but even I can see exactly why the OP wants her ex to just for once step up and properly parent. This woman is doing so much for her children, yet is getting her arse handed to her for just wanting a break? Unbelievable. What is wrong with people?

To answer your question social services won't do anything of the children are left with a person with parental responsibility

If I hadn’t divorced him I would likely be dead I think.

No one is defending the dad.
We are saying Christmas is a bad time to enforce the boundary because it is the children who will suffer the most.

So you hate Christmas OP and that is fine but what I do think is very unfair is to continue that cycle for your kids.

What happened to you is not their fault.

The way both you and your useless ex are behaving means that you are just passing that misery on to them.

carefreeme
Do you take your kids camping, and if not why not?? 😆

Do you take your kids camping, and if not why not??

@crackofdoom I don’t get the joke but yes I do go camping with them.

CarefreeMe
Then you should RTFT.

I understand your frustration OP, your ex sounds like a nightmare to deal with and you’re definitely entitled to a break. They’re his responsibility too!

However, I do think you need to make an effort for Christmas for your kids sake. I get it’s not your thing, but Christmas is everything for kids. They’ll soon be older and not care about it anymore, then you can celebrate (or not) however you like.

If you can’t afford the tech can you get them vouchers that they can use when they have enough for what they want? Tell other family members to get them the same vouchers too and more vouchers for birthdays. Explain you can’t afford them in one go.

As for sticking with your plans and not being there when he brings them home, please don’t do this. The effects could be awful on your kids emotional well-being. Although I completely understand your temptation given your exes unreasonable behaviour.

No that’s what YOU are saying, and it’s a reasonable position even if I don’t agree with it. But I’m also told that I need to; grow up, not have had children, don’t deserve children, am appalling, am prioritising my partner over them, am replacing them with my partner’s children, on it goes. All because I wanted a longer break from them, yes from them. Because I have them ALL of the rest of the time. And I can’t get a longer break later in the year as he has them for one extra week in summer so that he gets EXACTLY 52 nights in and those nights have to be convenient to him and not involve him taking any leave, as he says he needs his leave to recuperate from the massively taxing job he’s done for 20 years. He also won’t ever have them for consecutive weekends “because it’s too hard” and for a while argued that he shouldn’t have to have all three together as that was also “too hard” and would have also meant I didn’t get a second away from them, or have the opportunity to do anything else in my life.

Then you should RTFT.

What’s that got to do with me taking my kids camping?

I’ve read all of OP’s posts but not necessarily everyone else’s replies.

Try it. You might get some alternative perspective instead of focussing on piling into me.

I’m at a particularly low place this week as one of my children’s support workers is off and she is the only one he will tolerate with any intimate care so I’m having to go down to school in the day and sort that out too.

And yet, I’m as bad as my ex who won’t even open a school report.

I think your plans say great! I think Christmas is what you make it and if you want your tradition to be 2 weeks in the sun then that sounds great. One of the hardest parts of splitting with my exh was realising I’d have to share birthdays and Christmas. I now make sure I focus on the occasion and not the date. So if a birthday falls on ex’s weekend I make sure I celebrate it another time. I try to make plans to keep myself busy.
Social Services won’t do anything. My Dsis left her children and SS said, don’t worry they usually come back. And your case is completely different as he is changing the plans. Enjoy your holiday, enjoy your plans, we have enough to feel guilty about.

@AnightwiththeTiger haven't you read the Mumsnet guide to how to be the perfect ex-wife...

1. raise the children -all of it, do the fucking lot!
2. keep the family home going-all household chores
3. sort out the sick, the bugs, the periods (if you have girls) THE talk-all the unpleasant bits
4. homework (ffs)
5. getting them up...and to bed
6. when ex asks to see the children smile sweetly and say "yes dear"
7. when he says he can't have them, smile sweetly and say "ok dear"
8. when he says he can't have them, then he can, smile sweetly and say "ok dear"
9. when he says he can have...now decides he can't, smile sweetly and say "ok dear"
10. when you think you've got it all arranged and then sort some time out the yourself to be told it no longer suits him, smile sweetly and say "ok dear, I'll cancel my plans, who needed a life anyway"

...I'm short, acquiesce to everything he suggest because, obviously after 2 weeks holiday with you the children would be scarred for life by going to their dad's house for Christmas.

You've made your plans, tell him he agreed and to sort his plans out. Oh and by the way, unless he does 50% of the transport for the rest of the time (clubs, school drop off, visits to friends) then don't do 50% of the weekend drops off, he moved away from his kids he can bloody well come and pick them up!

Is that SERIOUSLY what you’ve taken from all my posts?

Of course people would say that to the dad, but that doesn't equate to finding op reasonable at all. Their dad should want them, but so should she. In her shoes, many would be delighted to have the extra time over Christmas. The op's attitude toward her kids sucks. Knackered is not an excuse. Who isn't knackered once you have kids, but you get on with it. You might not like Christmas, but you put on your happy face and suck it up to give the children the best time possible. I hate bloody Pokémon and Minecraft but I play both daily and have massive conversations about them because they matter to DC and they matter to me. I just cannot get over any parent bring happy for their child to feel unwanted at Christmas. Poor kids!

My ex doesn't have the kids together as it's too difficult. It means I never get a break. Moved and refuses to pick up or drop off, forcing me to do it with the other kids in tow, frequently cancels at the drop of a hat, pays no CMS, doesn't do school or hospital meetings, doesn't have extra time at all in school holidays and doesn't appear to enjoy time with the kids. The only reason for contact seems to be to irritate me.
Some ex's are simply vile.

Your ex has PR, social services won't do anything. Warm the kids to phone mum if you need anything at all, give them a cheapy phone they can use....tell them how far away you are, and go have a good time. I bet he won't loose face by leaving them on your doorstep!