What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

and you fuckers are trying to break the law by forcing YOUR RELIGION on the op. Christmas is a Christian festival. Op has a legal fucking right not to celebrate it.

Also, it's just a day. Seriously.

He's a disgrace of a Father OP and clearly wants to ruin your plans.
Of course you need some time to recharge your batteries.

The fact your children have very high needs makes it even more important.

Hope it all works out for you.

Not negating your need for a break at all btw OP, I’ve read the thread and your ex sounds like a dick. The only fair thing to do in my opinion is to alternate, hence this year = yours. This is easy to explain to the kids and not just down to whoever fancies having them or not. I think you definitely deserve a long break but just not necessarily on Xmas day this year. Could anyone in your family help with them if you went and stayed nearby in a hotel or something?

@AnightwiththeTiger I think many replies are just reading your first post and responding, haven't read that your DCs SEN are to the extent of violence and incontinence and the holiday has been factored to provide swimming with someone you know there who can support and help with muscle tone exercise for your DC. That the holiday will not be the relaxing on a beach kind, but full on 'carer mode' and managing the environment for your DC.

You're just bloody tired of the fight, and with SEN DC that's what many other parents won't experience, because you have to fight all the time to get support for them (education/healthcare etc). It'd be nice, I'm sure, to just not fight for once; this probably feels like another fight, but with their Dad, who should be supportive.

he was an abusive controlling bully who was removed by the police in the end.

Who you want your kids, who have additional needs, with him alone for a week at Christmas?

the ex was abusive to op and she said she would probably be dead if she didnt divorce him. He is not a good person.

he has no interest in his children beyond being Disney dad on minimum effort. This harms the children.

@JulesCobb

Are you seriously supporting OP on this when you’ve just said that this man is abusive, not a good person and is harming the children.

Surely you should be telling OP not to let this man anywhere near the DCs if this was the case?
Let alone for an extended period of time.

What a sad situation all round

OP sounds exhausted and resentful, Ex sounds useless and uninterested at best, and the DC are stuck in the middle

OP you sound very stuck on what your ex should be doing, yes he should be more involved, yes he should have the DC more, yes he should want to
But the fact is he doesn’t, and you need to live your life based on reality, and not the ‘should have beens’

All of this keeping score and counting days and ‘I’ve done my 2 weeks now it’s time for yours’ is not only very damaging for your DC but also for yourself, once you let go of trying to make him be more interested (which is just impossible) you will feel so much lighter, it will be a huge thing off your list

If he is so shit with them I couldn’t imagine wanting them to be with him over not one but two special occasions anyway

Could you possibly get any respite? Rather than pinning all your hopes on your ex?

He is abusive to the op. He is a bare minimum disney dad to the children. So you can fuck off and all with you misogyny.

I think you should try putting your kids first, your opening post screams selfishness.

💐

Would you mind reading the rest of my posts? You just click on the first post and then there’s a little tab on the bottom right of the posts that says “see all” or similar. And THEN reply.

Yes and he’s their dad and was abusive to me not them. And he had parental responsibility. And they love him.

How is the OP getting such a hard time here when she’s putting in 99% of the effort year round? The misogyny is astounding.

Would you mind reading the rest of my posts? You just click on the first post and then there’s a little tab on the bottom right of the posts that says “see all” or similar. And THEN reply.

I have read the whole thread, thanks.

I decided to comment on the opening post.

Some of these posts are just brutal!!
So much shaming, jumping to conclusions and judgements thrown at one woman asking a simple question. I would be mortified if I’d received these responses to a reasonable question, and I’m sad that people think it’s ok to speak to another human being in this way.
For what it’s worth OP, don’t let all the negativity get to you. I can only think this is a reflection on how they are feeling right now. I hope that you and your ex manage to come to some sort of compromise that gives you all what you need over the Christmas period.

The thing is though, unfortunately there’s no way to force dads to take responsibility for their kids and do their fair share. There should be, but there isn’t. So inevitably, it’s the kids who end up losing out if both parents try to fight it with the same game.

Jolly good. And would you like to comment further? Or does your post still represent your position?

And how are you not ashamed of yourself right now? Because you should be. Because youve been vile.

Ahhh ok got you. I never thought people like you existed really but here you are, in the wild. Reporting.

Thankyou for those who are reporting and deleting the appalling attacks on this thread.

OP, the problem is you have broken several taboos here:

1. that Christmas is special and we must all cram ourselves together with our families and be overjoyed about it

2. that mothers are the default parent and must always pick up the slack for work-shy dads. Preferably with a smile.

In doing so, you have incurred the wrath of the professionally offended. And because they do not recognise their own prejudices, they will shame you about your children whilst having nothing to say about their father and no words of solidarity.

I have no practical advice accept to call his bluff and let him know that if he’s not happy with the current arrangements that you’re happy to renegotiate, to 50/50.

Why do you keep deleting my posts lol.

Do you really think MNers are so dumb that they can’t just click ‘read all’ and read what I’ve just copied.