What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

It's just people that don't agree with you, not attacks.

It's MNHQ that are deleting your threads.

It's unbelievable!! Some awful comments on here tonight.

@AnightwiththeTiger-it may be time to bow out-these vile creatures are going to just keep going!! Good luck, I hope you enjoy your holiday with the children and your break without them.

I'm with you on the Christmas thing. I hated it growing up and don't bother with it now as an adult. It's just another day. But omg if you don't treat it as if it's the most important part of the year people think you are the devil. I don't get why. People don't get as riled up about Easter, but if your DP doesn't get you something for Valentine's Day, he's the worst! It's bizarre how important these very commercialised days are to some people.

Your ex is a knob. Even at Christmas, Easter and bloody pancake day.

MNHQ are the only ones with the power to delete you.

Continue the cycle?!

Continuing the cycle is a term that means parents who were victims of abuse continue to abuse, or allow their children to be abused. OP has BROKEN THE FUCKING CYCLE. This is hard enough on its own. She had a bad childhood, and continued the cycle with an abusive OH as is exceptionally common, and then LEFT HIM to raise her children with love and devotion.

She has set them up for a completely different path on life, when it is undeniably hard. Hard enough raising SEN kids with full support let alone the rest of the shit. If that means the one remnant that’s passed on is that the kids grow up to not love Christmas so bloody what. And if that ‘cycle’ does continue. Generations of people who don’t love Christmas but are fine the other 364 days of the year is not a fucking crisis regardless of what the MN majority seems to believe.

How dare I what? Say a fact.. and because of that I’m disgusting. Give over.

You truly have no shame for being so vile, do you?

even when your post was deleted for being vile.

*@JulesCobb
*
No. Shame on you. Absolute shame on you. You are disgusting. You are truly a vile piece of shit that you read this thread and made that comment. How dare you.

You're calling people vile but look at how you are responding to people. Very hypocritical.

And yet it’s you that keeps getting deleted. Hmm.

Exactly. Ive called out the bullying. And you will notice the post i called out and reported was deleted by hq for being vile and disgusting bullying, and dripping in misogyny to the op.

if you think my calling out the bullying and reporting of a post that was deemed to be appalling aNd deleted is the problem, maybe YOU are the problem. Maybe YOU need to analyse your own attitudes. Theyre not ok.

Thankyou so so much. It’s exhausting and yet fascinating watching goading bullies do their thing. They walk among us.

if you think my calling out the bullying and reporting of a post that was deemed to be appalling aNd deleted is the problem, maybe YOU are the problem. Maybe YOU need to analyse your own attitudes. Theyre not ok.

No one has been as half as vile as you have.

Just the language you use proves you have nothing to bring to the thread (which I doubt you’ve even read).

Honestly so much I can say but I won’t bother.

It’s the OPs kids I feel sorry for. Hopefully they don’t pick up that no one wants them at Xmas.

It’s the OPs kids I feel sorry for. Hopefully they don’t pick up that no one wants them at Xmas.

I agree.

The parenting bar for some people is so low.

I hope the kids have a nice Christmas and birthday and don’t end up hating these occasions like OP apparently does.

@Chattycathydoll You knew exactly what I meant and that was purely regarding Christmas.

And as the Mum of a severely disabled DS who is totally non verbal, unable to feed himself, is doubly incontinent and will never live independently for who I am full time carer of, I don't need a fucking lecture from the likes of you telling me how hard it is.

OP, I'm sorry you've had some pretty horrible replies on here. I hope you can concentrate on the supportive ones instead.
Hope your holiday with the DC goes well.
Hope the Christmas period is less stressful than you fear.
And really hope you get a decent break, with time to yourself, very soon.
I wish you all the best

I'd like to second these sentiments.

This must be one of the nastiest threads I've come across on Mumsnet.

Shame on all of those who have piled in on the OP.

@AnightwiththeTiger - I hope that some of the responses are helpful to you. You have a lot on your plate and deserve a break.

Although I fear that, this year at least, you may not get it.

Wishing you strength. 💐

@AnightwiththeTiger , another divorcee of an abusive controlling asshole chiming in here to say I completely get where you are coming from. Other divorced parents are complaining about things like "he's taking the kids away on my time" and I sit there thinking "You lucky bastard. Mine books holidays for when he is supposed to have the kids except they are never invited".

I agree - @AnightwiththeTiger you've had some utterly AWFUL replies here - from posters who clearly have very little comprehension of what you've actually written.

I wonder what the response would have been if it hadn't been about the few days over Christmas.

And frankly all those "Christmas should be magical ..." posts. You know, as a child, I really disliked the let down of the actual day after the build up. It was disappointing. Nothing could be as good as the build up. And we always had a happy family Christmas, with home-made decorations, a tree, stockings, presents, and so on. All this "making Christmas sparkly" is for adults to feel that somehow they are being perfect parents. Children really don't need all that; they don't need a build up to an even which can inevitably never be as "perfect" as the anticipation.

The OP's children probably need most of all, an unstressed, UNABUSED, happy and relaxed mother. They need a healthy mother, because their father is a total loss as a parent - he's an abuser, mean with his time & money for them, and a liar

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable that just once in a blue fucking moon you should get to have some time without your kids ie what their father gets to do for most of the rest of the year.

The thing I find baffling about single parents is that they so often think they're entitled to time alone with a new partner on a regular basis. Yet those of us who stay married somehow manage to soldier on having the kids 365 days of the year together.

This is a stupid & tone-deaf post - do you not understand that a single parent has no other support? If you have a partner who is also your DCs' parent you are doing things together & you have someone who can take over or support or lead in times of stress etc. You don't seem to understand what it's like not to have that mutual teamwork & support.

@WindyHedges , exactly. Having to do 95 percent of it all by yourself is not in the same league as having your kids all year round with a partner who is even a little supportive, compared with sharing children with someone who actively wants you to fail and sabotages you at every turn, IN ADDITION to you doing the vast majority utterly alone - no one to back you up when the children's behaviour is being challenging, no one to take over bath time or dinner or homework no matter how bone tired or ill you might be feeling. OP is asking for very little.

So many posters on here are being bloody shocking.

The expect @AnightwiththeTiger to sacrifice herself on the alter of motherhood frankly and probably would suggest she had stayed with a twat like her ex for the benefit of her kids. You are all misogynistic twats frankly. I'm so bloody sad about all this.

YANBU OP. And he'll just have to keep them when you aren't there.

Omg op. I cannot believe how this thread is turning out. You have my utmost sympathy. Please know you’re doing above and beyond most people’s comprehension. Your children are privileged to have such a loving and devoted mum. It’s a terrible shame it looks likely you won’t be able to self care in the way you had liked this holiday. If there’s any way you could continue with your plans even if that means taking your dcs for a shorter while to see your family, I would. I know you say they don’t want to go, however, you do and are entitled to have a few days doing things you enjoy. I’d also encourage your dp to take those couple of days before Christmas if he is able to swap things around or take them unpaid.