What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

Yes it’s bloody shocking behaviour from both of you. Neither parent wants them for Xmas!

Poor bloody kids!!

Christmas isn’t the time to be digging your heels in so you can spend it with your boyfriend and his kids instead.

I too am amazed at how many people are piling on the OP because it's Christmas, when she is there for her kids 24/7 every other day of the year.

I understand you’re under a lot of strain and pressure. I understand that this isn’t how you feel about your children but it is likely to be the way they see it.
You have to consider this from their point of view.

Pokémon and Minecraft??????????? Are you for real? I’m dealing with violent outbursts and for one, double incontinence. I’d give anything for Pokémon and Minecraft. Jesus Christ. We are clearly on different planets.

‘Agreed in principle’ is not a firm agreement.

Good grief. I never realised that Christmas was such a trigger for people on mumsnet. And I say that as someone who loves it.

The sheer lack of empathy for a mother of two kids with special needs, who does EVERYTHING, and has an unhappy history regarding Christmas (and who is taking those kids on holiday for two weeks just prior) is astonishing. She just wants a few days to herself while her partner and her relatives in that are are off work (the only time of year when that can be guarantee) to visit them.

It’s not to get one over on my ex. It’s so that I get a LONGER break. And that’s regardless of what I do in that break. But you seem determined to ignore this.

..in that area, even

IT IS ALSO HIS CHILDS BIRTHDAY. They have 2 parents.

And neither want them for Xmas.

Yes. That is what a good parent would do. Your children need someone to be the rock, someone to always be there, someone they can depend on. They do not have that in their dad, and that is really awful for them. So you need to be that rock. It isn't fair, but fair has no meaning here. The only important thing is that your children have their needs met and that means having at least one parent who is prepared to be a parent.

So much to unpack here @AnightwiththeTiger.

I get you don't like Xmas (I'm not a fan either). I think you may need some counselling though as your past trauma is affecting your family life at this time. You're practising avoidance. Many that don't like Xmas put on a happy face for their kids, I know I did (and still do).

But maybe in the past you did that, the whole 'happy face' bit because you weren't a single parent to SEN kids? Maybe not so knackered? Possibly this time round though there's not enough left of 'you' to give and you need this break to recharge. I don't know. I do know as a parent to a SEN DC that even with my DH, I don't get a break. I'm pretty sure my DH is on the spectrum, he finds parenting my SEN DC pretty hard so I feel I do it all. I'm guessing you did a lot of the life admin and parenting when you were together anyway? It's hard to imagine he was a brilliant dad and then became shit after you split.

Your ex, well he's not going to step up because he's got things where he wants them - you doing the majority of raising the kids. Have you been to court - is this formalised access? If not, is it worth considering? I don't know if you're able to get respite (I know in some areas it's as rare a rocking horse shit) but another thing to consider if possible.

You're human, allowed to feel exhausted, upset, resentful and all the other emotions that bubble up from time to time. I would suggest though that posting on a support board in future may get the suggestions/understanding you were looking for.

It’s not about Christmas for me. I don’t like it anyway. It’s about my having JUST had them for weeks and not getting a longer break. FFS.

I think it’s your turn to have your kids. Your partner had them last year so I think it’s fair enough to push back. It sounds like you decided before your partner has fully agreed anyway. Taking them on holiday beforehand is your choice but it’s not really a present for them as such. You say they have big demands, but you can still get them a token gift, my son asks for the whole Smyths catalogue but doesn’t mean I have to get it all. I can understand why deep down they would feel unwanted as it’s your turn. Christmas is a time for family so why can’t you take your kids with you for your plans? Surely your family would want to see them anyway?

If he's abusive then why are you trying to force him to be with the children? My ex was extremely abusive, he doesn't see the children at all (court said not safe). I look after them by myself, I don't get weekends off and have no desire to. I have no intention of getting a new partner because I dont have any free time and while my children are young, they are my priority. I certainly wouldn't want to spend Christmas or my children's birthdays with a boyfriend instead of them.
Your children will remember this. As I said earlier both my parents got new partners and would argue over who had to have us as they had plans with boyfriend/girlfriend.
I feel so sorry for children in this situation.

Thank you. It’s very tiring and I was really looking forward to just being able to turn my brain off from the constant high alert that is required of me literally 24/7.

it’s clear how much of a clue some other posters don’t have about the realities of other people’s lives. I’m still gasping at “Pokémon and Minecraft.”

Contact is formalised in as much as it is outlined in the consent order but no more than that.

You’re clearly very very brilliant then. Jolly well done.

it’s clear how much of a clue some other posters don’t have about the realities of other people’s lives. I’m still gasping at “Pokémon and Minecraft.”

Solidarity from someone who has been pinched and kicked repeatedly today by fed up autistic child. If I could stick him in front of Minecraft for hours on end, I would.

The attitude of so many posters on here is disgusting.

1. the ex was abusive to op and she said she would probably be dead if she didnt divorce him. He is not a good person.
2. he has no interest in his children beyond being Disney dad on minimum effort. This harms the children.
3. the children have extra needs which adds a whole new level of stress and difficulty onto the op.
4. he is using contact, and changing contact, as an ongoing form of control of op. This is abuse.
5. and you fuckers are trying to break the law by forcing YOUR RELIGION on the op. Christmas is a Christian festival. Op has a legal fucking right not to celebrate it.

op, youve an email trail and advice on what you actually asked for earlier in the thread. Ignore the nonsense

Thankyou. I’m agog at some of these posts.

Thank you.