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Original poster

terrified of having a son

170 replies

givinga · 24/10/2022 13:32

I haven't started TTC yet because I am terrified I may end up with a son. I have gone to three counsellors to talk this through but I still come to the same conclusion. I am not looking for suggestions to talk to counsellors because it isn't helpful.

My brother was so horrible to my mother growing up and continues to torment her in his adulthood. He gets joy in making her upset and being difficult. He lives with her and I feel terrible for her. I dread to think I could have a son like that. My sister is lovely to my mum and I have looked after alot of girls while babysitting and they have all be wonderful. I looked after two little boys and they were nice boys but very aggressive with each other and lots of fighting despite being so young. This has only reinforced my theory.

My DP is wonderful but he sounds like a nightmare child the way his mother has described him, very boisterous and disobedient. He agrees.

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

OP posts:
abzns · 24/10/2022 13:36

🤨

DelphiniumBlue · 24/10/2022 13:36

My boys are lovely, as are most of the boys I have taught. They are very affectionate, and they don't have to fight if you don't allow it. Some boys can tend to be more physical than some girls, but I wouldn't want to stereotype here. I find most children are delightful if they are exercised and loved enough.

AmDram322 · 24/10/2022 13:36

My boy is just gorgeous. He’s only 4 but so affectionate and kind. He’s really gentle with his baby cousin and loves ‘helping’ with her. He is so easy to be around and really gentle and sensitive. 💙

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DisneyDisneyDisney · 24/10/2022 13:36

I have one of each and they are both very well behaved, polite and not aggressive at all! And both are teenagers. My son, as well as my daughter, are an absolute joy. Please don’t be put off having a son.

MolliciousIntent · 24/10/2022 13:36

Definitely do not have kids.

Twizbe · 24/10/2022 13:36

It might be helpful to think that it wasn't their penis that made these boys act in this way. It's their personality. While you can't change what genitals a baby has, you can influence their personality.

If it helps, my son is very kind and loving. He's also not very boisterous.

justasking111 · 24/10/2022 13:38

My three boys were wonderful kind and loving. They're the same as daddies.

peanutbutterontoast7 · 24/10/2022 13:39

Your brother wasn't awful with your mum because he is a boy. You really and truly need to understand that.

I have two sons and I wouldn't change them for anything.
They are cheeky, funny, quirky, snuggly, adventurous.

I have an amazing relationship with my mum and all I can hope and prey is that I do enough to have that with my sons too. Our relationship is based on us and not the fact they are boys.

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 24/10/2022 13:41

My sons and nephews are wonderful boys, as are their friends.
I think you're worrying needlessly but you really need to decide if you want dc. You could have only boys no matter how many dcs you have.

Beezknees · 24/10/2022 13:42

My DS is 14. Lovely, kind, respectful boy. I'm a single mum.

On the other hand I'm not close to my own mum at all.

TinaYouFatLard · 24/10/2022 13:42

You should not be considering having a child while your thinking is so irrational.

LolaSmiles · 24/10/2022 13:42

If counselling or therapy isn't something you consider beneficial then I doubt some strangers on Mumsnet are going to be able to solve such a complex worldview about male children.

People telling you their sons are nice is unlikely to get you to a point where you are ready to accept and enthusiastically parent a child regardless of its sex.

drkpl · 24/10/2022 13:44

It’s sad that you look at little kids like this. I have a nearly 4 year old boy and he’s lovely. Very affectionate and caring. If I’m sick he shows more empathy than my dp! He comes over to check on me and strokes my hair going “aww mama is not feeling very well”. Bless him. He loves cuddles with his grandmothers. Is good at sharing his toys with other children. He loves babies and cats (he loves all animals, but cats have been his favourite since he was 10 months).

You won’t see your own newborn baby boy as a threat . You’ll see a tiny vulnerable thing that can’t even lift its own head, that loves and depends on you.
If you have more than 2 children and one of each, you’ll have to make sure you don’t favour the daughter as that would be horrible for an innocent child.

Luckymummytoone · 24/10/2022 13:44

I was very similar to you when I was pregnant OP and had a son who I wouldn’t change for the world - in fact after being around my friends girls I’d have another son any day of the week 😂
he’s so easy going and such a mummy’s boy.

and in all honesty I was awful to my mum at times growing up 😅

Cottoneyejoemama · 24/10/2022 13:45

I have 3 boys and I really couldn’t be happier. They fight like any siblings do but they’re also so kind and funny and incredibly loving. The most rewarding part is that I’m raising 3 good men, they make me so proud. The behaviour you have experienced isn’t down to genitalia, it was their personality.

mumonthehill · 24/10/2022 13:46

2 ds here and both are lovely. Very different from each other but both kind and thoughtful. One was boisterous and is loud now but not in a nasty way, just full of life and wanting to live life. One is quiet and thoughtful but has a quiet confidence. My DH is also thoughtful and kind and has instilled that in our boys. I cannot now imagine a life with a dd, I love having boys.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 24/10/2022 13:47

My son is lovely op. Very affectionate when younger and full of energy but not at all aggressive. He's 20 now and never given me anything but joy. Your brother could have had exactly the same character if he was female.

StillWeRise · 24/10/2022 13:48

LolaSmiles · 24/10/2022 13:42

If counselling or therapy isn't something you consider beneficial then I doubt some strangers on Mumsnet are going to be able to solve such a complex worldview about male children.

People telling you their sons are nice is unlikely to get you to a point where you are ready to accept and enthusiastically parent a child regardless of its sex.

OP, this is what you need to consider. Are you ready to be a parent when your love for the child you have is conditional on the 50% chance it will be a girl?

RunnerDown · 24/10/2022 13:48

Such a polarised view. Do you truly believe that someone’s behaviour and attitudes are determined solely on the basis of gender. It’s so much more complicated than that. There is no guarantee you will have an easy child whatever gender they are. But you do have some control in how you bring them up and teach them to care and respect others. I have 2 ds and the are wonderful adults. But we had difficult times with them. In the same way that friends with daughters had worries and troubles. It’s about genetics and upbringing.
You seem to base your ideas on your experience with your brother . It sounds like a difficult situation and I am sorry it has affected you so much. But do you believe that your dm had no part to play in the development of this toxic dynamic between the 2 of them .

Ship · 24/10/2022 13:48

My son is 10. He is very sensitive and empathetic towards others. He still loves a cuddle and tells me he loves me most days. He’s so sweet and lovely. Like a pp has said it is personality that makes the different not the sex of the baby. But I do think you are wise not to TTC until you have resolved this.

CoveredInCobwebs · 24/10/2022 13:48

I have 2 boys and a girl. They are all absolutely wonderful humans. My older boy is by far the most affectionate of the three. He is the one who wants the most hugs and kisses, who tells me he loves me the most, who always asks me how my day was and how my work is going. He is also incredibly boisterous and energetic and yes, loves to wrestle, have pillow fights, play swords, etc. And I love doing all those things with him.

I have to agree with PP who have said, don’t TTC while you feel this way. Because - and I’m not saying this will happen; I think in reality you’d meet your son and fall madly in love - but if your son does feel unwanted/unloved then he probably will end up behaving in all the ways you’re scared of.

HoppingPavlova · 24/10/2022 13:49

Having reared both genders and having g a wide variety of friends and colleagues who have also reared both, I can say your thinking is extremely odd. There is no creature so vile as your average teenage girl (yes, I’m sure there have been some unicorn angels out there). Anyone who has lived through it, which is most of us that I know, would pick boys hands down simply for this fact. They just seem to go through a surly, no -communicative mumbling phase as opposed to the Devil incarnate.

FetchezLaVache · 24/10/2022 13:49

TinaYouFatLard · 24/10/2022 13:42

You should not be considering having a child while your thinking is so irrational.

^^ This, 100%.

35965a · 24/10/2022 13:49

If you had a son he would not be your brother. Also you aren’t your mother. Being terrified of having a son is not normal, I know you have seen counsellors but you genuinely need to try therapy again.

PinkButtercups · 24/10/2022 13:49

My boy is my absolute world. He's 3. He is the most caring, compassionate boy I have ever come across.

He's an absolute dream. Of course he can be naughty and rest boundaries but that's normal 3 year old behaviour.

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