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Original poster

Daughter pregnant

184 replies

aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:18

My 24yr daughter announced she's pregnant.
I'm worried sick.

She has serious mh issues and medication resistant epilepsy. She's on waiting list for brain surgery.
She takes 11 tablets of various anti convulsants and mh meds.
I've used the BNF to check these meds and pregnancy and a lot of the meds are toxic to the baby and can cause bad withdrawals.

She's known to social services so I imagine they will be in touch when she goes to the midwife.

She did drink a lot and take drugs.
Both her and her partner have been in prison so low on the council house list, she wants to move closer to us.

Not sure what I want but my head is flying everywhere, I'm epileptic as well and both her & her brother were effected by my meds during pregnancy. Withdrawals and mainly didn't feed for 3 days and very sleepy.

I'm worried about her mh , we think this is because some of her close friends have recently given birth.

Please calm me down.
She's coming to see me today with her partner.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 18/10/2022 09:21

Gosh, it sounds like a recipe for disaster OP and especially for a child born into a chaotic lifestyle. The medication alone would be very concerning.

What a worry for you. Is the partner on board with all of this given her issues?

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:26

Yes , he seems on board, already putting extra hours in at work.

I worry about her health, the babies health in the womb.
What happens in the future.

OP posts:
MeowMeowPowerRangers · 18/10/2022 09:28

I would be ready to take the baby if needed. I really hope it all goes well though.

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Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:38

This is what worries me.
I never had a career, once they became adults I went to uni, got a degree and got myself a reasonable job.
Makes me feel selfish that I would have to give it all up again to raise the baby.
Yes I sound a heartless bitch.
Her dad has said no.
We are close to 50.
A bloody mess.
Now prepared to be flamed.

OP posts:
DorritLittle · 18/10/2022 09:46

Of course you aren't selfish. You are right to be worried. No advice but sending support.

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:51

Thank you

OP posts:
MatildaMonroe · 18/10/2022 09:52

Fuck , I really feel for you Flowers
You are not being selfish at all

thejadefish · 18/10/2022 09:52

It's not selfish not to want to give up a hard earned job to take care of a baby that you didn't create. So far as I'm concerned my parents have done their bit so I don't ask them for anything. I am fortunate though in that I don't have the issues that your daughter has but you're not selfish and I don't blame you for worrying about your daughter and grandchild. If she does move closer perhaps it would be possible to offer some support without giving up your job, esp as her partner is on board? Hopefully the Drs will be able to work around the medication / minimise risks to mum and baby. It won't be the first time they've come across this. A friend was on morphine during her pregnancy (she was left with devastating injuries after being hit by a drunk driver and has to take it all the time as a consequence because of being in constant pain), baby was ultimately fine.

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:52

I could cry at all your kind words

OP posts:
Mariposista · 18/10/2022 09:53

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Mariposista · 18/10/2022 09:53

and no of course you are not being selfish. You are being sensible.

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:55

This reply has been deleted

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She has a fixed address
Partner works
Being a criminal doesn't make you a bad person.
But thanks for your reply

OP posts:
thepurplewhisperer · 18/10/2022 09:57

Ask your daughter to give written permission with all three; GP, Adult mental health services and Social services for you to talk to them on her behalf.

Has to be in writing.

This means you can help the services that need to step up to be coordinated.

She's a vulnerable adult and is likely to fall through the gaps in the system.

It means you'll have some control your end but don't give up your job. You'll really need this income going forwards. It gets tougher to be financially secure as you get older if you didn't start off early.

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 09:59

Thank you for the advice @thepurplewhisperer
I'm also looking into other services, help my employer can give me if needed.
She's about 8 weeks.

OP posts:
Sindonym · 18/10/2022 10:01

She needs to see a GP and her neurologist asap. Would she let you accompany her? Is she on valproate - she shouldn’t be at her age really but I know some slip through the net.

Gunner1510 · 18/10/2022 10:11

Please don’t feel selfish, you are not being selfish at all. You’ve worked hard to get yourself a career and job and you have done your time giving that up while you raised your children and you certainly shouldn’t have to do it again.

What do you genuinely think about your daughters situation? Has she considered other options than going through with the pregnancy, do you think now is the right time for her?

I’d have a chat with her and just see what her plans are regarding raising the baby, is it expected you will help, and if so how much are you expected to do this? Can you fit in her expectations with your own commitments? I think you need to get it out now, we’ll before the baby comes along.

It’s a real tough situation and I can see why you must be worried sick. But please don’t feel you are being selfish about anything, if she wants to have her child she needs to be prepared for how difficult it may be with a baby and that ultimately it’s not your child to raise.

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 18/10/2022 10:19

OP, do you genuinely think your partner and her child will be able to look after a baby?
Is her epilepsy controlled by her medication, does she still have seizures?
How does her poor mental health manifest, does she have a diagnosis? Is she a risk to herself/others?
When did she last take drugs?

At this point the most important thing is for her to have a medication review to see how the risk to the baby can be minimised. Can you help facilitate this?

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 10:27

Sindonym · 18/10/2022 10:01

She needs to see a GP and her neurologist asap. Would she let you accompany her? Is she on valproate - she shouldn’t be at her age really but I know some slip through the net.

No not sodium valproate
Venafalexin , diazepam, eslicarbazepine, levetiractam , promethazine , clonazepam to name a few

OP posts:
Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 10:33

@Gunner1510 I was shocked but not shocked when she told me. I believe with help and support from agencies etc they will be ok. Rocky but ok.
It's getting that help though so I hope midwife can help with referrals.

@MoreTeaLessCoffee she has medication resistant epilepsy. She has a diagnosis of autism , adhd, personality disorders, ocd.

OP posts:
bluetongue · 18/10/2022 10:36

How far along is she? Obviously you can’t force her to get an abortion but it doesn’t really sound like it’s going to end well if she has this baby,

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 10:39

About 8 weeks by my calculations

OP posts:
Borracha · 18/10/2022 10:45

OP, does she definitely want to have the baby? Without pushing her down any one particular path, can you have a really frank conversation with her about the realities of it all?

Mariposista · 18/10/2022 10:48

Good person doesn't mean good mother. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Of course she isn't necessarily a bad person but she has some real issues to sort through and a baby will not help at all with that. With the right treatment and medication and plenty of support she can one day get herself to a really good place.
And no, you don't sound like a heartless bitch or selfish.

Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 10:49

Her and her partner are coming to see me today.
I will be putting my cards on the table.
But also offering support as I am able.
Her dad thinks it's too early to tell them that we wouldn't be bringing the baby up.
He wants her to view her options.
She needs the support off us as she may very well have some tough decisions to make , I'm her mum.
However stupid she has been I love her.

OP posts:
Original poster
aliceinshackles · 18/10/2022 10:53

Forgot to add, we will be really their own support as her partners is estranged from his parents. He has siblings.

Oh what a fuck up.
On a side note , which is daft. I have a rescue dog who's scared stiff of children. Thank you previous owners . But that's a different bridge to cross at a later date.

OP posts:
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