Daughter pregnant

[aliceinshackles]

My 24yr daughter announced she's pregnant.
I'm worried sick.

She has serious mh issues and medication resistant epilepsy. She's on waiting list for brain surgery.
She takes 11 tablets of various anti convulsants and mh meds.
I've used the BNF to check these meds and pregnancy and a lot of the meds are toxic to the baby and can cause bad withdrawals.

She's known to social services so I imagine they will be in touch when she goes to the midwife.

She did drink a lot and take drugs.
Both her and her partner have been in prison so low on the council house list, she wants to move closer to us.

Not sure what I want but my head is flying everywhere, I'm epileptic as well and both her & her brother were effected by my meds during pregnancy. Withdrawals and mainly didn't feed for 3 days and very sleepy.

I'm worried about her mh , we think this is because some of her close friends have recently given birth.

Please calm me down.
She's coming to see me today with her partner.

Sorry must add. I'm not 100% sure she knows the risks of her meds.
This is something to broach later.
She's like me atm , a rabbit in head lights.

Thank you x

I came on to say that one of the FIRST things you need to tell her is that you will not be raising this baby. I get that you may not want to put more stress or pressure on her, but I suspect a huge part of her decision making is going to be based on you picking up the slack or even completely taking over if this turns out to be a total failure. You’ve done your parenting, you’ve got yourself a career, and from the sounds of it your husband wants no part of it. She needs to know that she needs to 100% own whatever decision she decides to make for herself and this baby.

Be the calm and steady ship.

Dont rush to congratulate her, just quietly hear her out and ask her what steps she would like to take first in terms of evaluating her health and getting some proper advice before anything is decided.

The brain surgeon may decide the pregnancy can not go ahead etc. For now, keep an open mind, stay calm and just talk it out. She is only 8wks you have time.

Sounds really hard OP.
No you are not selfish at all.
How does she view her pregnancy?
Trying to look at it from a different angle, could it be something positive in her life? Moving close to you is a good idea with regards to support.

Firstly Kudos to you for going to uni and building a career after all the odds 👏You are not being selfish at all by choosing to keep your career which you worked so hard for. I think it would be best to make it clear from the onset that you will be only able to help so much but eventually the baby is your DD and her partner's responsibility.

So...

You daughter is epileptic (I am too).

She has been in prison and had problems with drink and drugs. As has her partner.

She is 24, an adult, and can make her own decisions.

And all you're worried about is how it will affect YOUR life?

Have you helped her address the other issues at all?

Oh OP, I'm so sorry.

It's the hardest things when aa adult relative sets out on such a destructive course of action, and you can't really do anything to help or advise - you just have to stand back and watch something potentially disastrous unfold. Then you have to try and pick up the pieces. Parents can also do this to you!

I know this isn't remotely helpful, I just wanted to say that you should in no way feel guilty or selfish. Keeping a clear head in these situations is always the best way to deal with them.

@Kissingfrogs25 Be the calm and steady ship.

This made me smile.

I kept my head when my house flooded
Kept my calm when I had a cancer scare last year.
Was rational over many of the issues that comes along with life.
I am normally a calm , I deal with it if it happens person.

All out the window at present

I have stood by my daughter with all her issues
I have moved in with her at one point
I paid for her autism diagnosis as the waiting list was too long.
I helped her get a flat and furnish it when she had to leave an abusive relationship
I helped her with finances
Been to hospital appointments so she understands.
The list is endless.
I am a supportive mum.

I have to look at how it effects everyone and yea myself included
No rose tinted glasses that everything could be ok.

And will add im epileptic and so is her younger sister who had no problems at birth.
She's had genetic testing and it's not genetic epilepsy

Drink, drugs, known to social services, met her partner in prison ...

I think the boat of worrying about 'mothering' her sailed a long time ago :(

She's an adult. You did your best. She's made her bed and she needs to know she has to lie in it. Maybe the fact you keep sorting her out after 'problem's is why she hasn't learnt? For whatever reason, she seriously hasn't learnt how to stand on her own two feet in a decent manner.

I personally would be brutal and tell her she's in not fit place to be a mother, she needs to sort herself out first, no you won't be around to bring up the baby and the best thing all round would be for her to have an abortion (actually the best thing for the child)

Lots of people with mental health problems have children, as long as she has lots of help in place before baby is born then why shouldn’t it be happy news? This might be the making of her, if I was you I’d see how things pan out and see what your daughter wants to do, there’s no reason this can’t be a happy time.

btw I had a rescue dog who was scared of kids, I was so nervous when I brought my first baby home but as babies don’t really move he was fine and they became great pals, when my second was born the dog didn’t even bat an eyelid. The dog surprised me, he was so protective over his babies he was like a different dog.

@MeowMeowPowerRangers

i would be telling my daughter and her partner I wouldn’t be prepared to take the baby

that’s not fair on op at all

Gosh OP really feel for you and perfectly understand that you want your daughter to understand you won't/can't take the baby. A very difficult conversation for you, look after yourself

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

of course she is worried about other people in this not just herself

but why shouldn’t she worry about herself too? If you don’t worry about yourself who will?! Especially as a middle aged woman

op is no less important than her daughter

You might say you won't look after the baby, but when it arrives love takes over. It's happened in quite a few cases. Are there any other relatives? I've seen in a few cases the sibling takes the baby I've known a sister to take 2 babies.

Is she on sodium valproate for her epilepsy as if so this is a massive problem.
Women on this drug have severely damaged babies, that's if they even survive the pregnancy , it is an absolute no no to get pregnant on this drug.

@Meili04

love doesn’t always take over

op doesn’t want to give up her career

she knows her own mind

She says that now but won't know until if/when the baby gets here.

@Meili04

but why should she?
also how will she go on financially if she has to give up her job to look after the baby?

@Favouritefruits the issues aren't with the mental health conditions, epileptic medications come with serious risks to unborn babies. There's a huge rate of disability associated with them, which rises when medicines are taken in combination.

@changer121 I asked that upthread but didn't get a reply but there's an added legal issue here if she is as well (don't think many posters are aware of that).

This baby will end up lost in the care system, your daughter has serious mental illness, uses drugs and the partner sounds like a useless criminal, job or not, and he will probably vanish at some point anyway, never to be seen again.
They will look to you to bring this kid up, and you are 50 and have done your slog of childrearing.

She ought to have an abortion really, she is onky about 8 weeks... and get her on birth control so this doesn't happen again.

Your in not fit state to give advice when you clearly cant read even basic infomation and are abelist and awful.