Daughter pregnant

[aliceinshackles]

My 24yr daughter announced she's pregnant.
I'm worried sick.

She has serious mh issues and medication resistant epilepsy. She's on waiting list for brain surgery.
She takes 11 tablets of various anti convulsants and mh meds.
I've used the BNF to check these meds and pregnancy and a lot of the meds are toxic to the baby and can cause bad withdrawals.

She's known to social services so I imagine they will be in touch when she goes to the midwife.

She did drink a lot and take drugs.
Both her and her partner have been in prison so low on the council house list, she wants to move closer to us.

Not sure what I want but my head is flying everywhere, I'm epileptic as well and both her & her brother were effected by my meds during pregnancy. Withdrawals and mainly didn't feed for 3 days and very sleepy.

I'm worried about her mh , we think this is because some of her close friends have recently given birth.

Please calm me down.
She's coming to see me today with her partner.

A sensible and intelligent post.

Society ought to discourage some people from having children. (I know that sounds horrible and extreme, but it isn't. On the contrary, nothing would do more to reduce the total amount of misery and suffering in the world.) It ought to be a serious crime to bring a child into the world without obtaining a licence of some kind. Before you can have children, there should be checks you must pass. Are you in reasonable mental health? Are you struggling with addiction? Do you have a fixed address? Do you have a history of child abuse? Or child neglect? Are you going to expose this child to violent, addicted, dangerous people? etc. Too many children grow up in chaotic, dysfunctional situations. They then emerge angry and traumatized, and society has to deal with the consequences.

Thankfully, this young lady at least has a good and loving mother.

It would not be selfish at all to say no, you can't and won't be raising her baby for her. She may need to make some hard choices about having the baby or keeping it. Make it clear to social services you aren't in a position to help.

I have no personal experiences with any of these conditions however I do sympathize with the situation. It sounds really scary and stressful.

Try to take it all one step at a time.

I’m sorry your family is going through this. But you are right your daughter needs a mother who has a cool head.

It doesn’t sound like your daughter is a bad person but it does sound like she’s had a lot on her plate in the mental and physical health department and that can make for an unstable environment for the baby if not managed closely but I think you already know that.

Are some of these medications being abused? I’m going off the assumption that most or all of them are needed for health reasons. I myself am weaning off of zoloft for postpartum depression and it sucks but try to focus on the positive. She caught the pregnancy early. Many don’t know until much later.

I think at least for the time being you are right to try to continue your education. While yes her situation and baby are important so is your happiness. And she is also an adult who made an adult decision. She has your emotional and financial support. That is more than enough. You should not have to sacrifice your happiness because of her decisions.

Make sure your prioritize something for yourself because it can be easy to get sucked in but your feelings matter to in the end.

Good luck OP

You are NOT being selfish.
I was quite reckless in my teens and ended up pregnant by a violent controlling monster at 17. It made me buck up pull myself together and want a better life. Hopefully your daughter will get the help she needs , take all the advice she is given and make the right choices and you will be able to enjoy being a nanny xx

You sound like an amazing, supportive mum OP

My DD got pregnant in less than ideal circumstances. She has no health issues but wasn't working, still lived at home, baby's dad was long gone and she had a long history of wild, chaotic behaviour. Honestly, I was so upset about it - like you I expected that the parenting would fall to me and she'd just carry on as she always had; I really couldn't have been more wrong.

My grandson was the making of her, she's an amazing mum - and I actually think having my GS saved her. From day one she had been 100% about him, everything she does is for his benefit - she's always been quite anxious and used drink/drugs to counteract that, but now I see her advocate for her little boy every single day (he has SEN) He was struggling in mainstream and every day she was there, fighting for him, and eventually got him moved to a SEN school and he's thriving. Before he came into the world there is no way she could contemplate having to attend meetings with professionals, but for him she'll do anything, no matter how much out of her comfort zone it takes her.

She's just finished college with a distinction and is now at uni; she has her own place and works, honestly I couldn't be more proud of her - she's a fantastic mum.

I know you're probably she'll-shocked by the news but it was always going to happen at some point if your DD wants to be a mum - you can't fight nature 🤷🏻‍♀️ Her health issues aren't going to disappear so whenever this moment came the worries would be the same regarding meds,etc. It's excellent that she engages with services and is consistent with her meds, she's obviously has the capability of taking responsibility when she needs to - which is a great indicator of how she'll cope in the future I think.

I can completely understand your concerns about her meds and she needs to get advice on that asap but the rest of it she can work out along the way if she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy. Please don't advise her to abort, it has to be her choice, without any influence (unless she asks). You've just got to stand besides her and hope all those years of parenting her stand her in good stead for the next chapter of her life.

I hope your talk with her today goes well

This post seems to me to make a lot of sense. Please don't pay any heed to the nasty, judgemental posts - unfortunately they appear all too often on this site!

You've had a tough time in your life and you've turned all that around to do your degree and improve your life. You daughter seems to be cut from the same cloth, and as someone else said, this could be the making of her.

I presume they want to be parents, and if they do, they should be supported and encouraged all the way. First of all though, I think that all the medical considerations should be investigated, the implications of her medication, and the implications for her planned surgery. No-one here knows anything about that. If she goes ahead with her pregnancy, then she could well be faced with some tough decisions down the line.

I don't think you are being one bit selfish either. To have epilepsy yourself and have brought up children who also suffer from it, you are finally having the chance to live your best life - hang onto it tight! I don't believe any mum should feel she has to give up her own career/life to mind grandchildren!

Your daughter is very fortunate to have you and her dad. You've been there for her through thick and thin, and you will be now too.

Please don't leave your thread, and please don't let any faceless strangers upset you either. I genuinely hope everything can work out for your family xx

*I don't think you are being one bit selfish either. To have epilepsy yourself and have brought up children who also suffer from it, you are finally having the chance to live your best life - hang onto it tight! I don't believe any mum should feel she has to give up her own career/life to mind grandchildren!

Your daughter is very fortunate to have you and her dad. You've been there for her through thick and thin, and you will be now too.

Please don't leave your thread, and please don't let any faceless strangers upset you either. I genuinely hope everything can work out for your family xx*

100% this.

You sound very supportive OP she's very lucky to have you as her Mum

You're out of your God Damn mind.

What a hard situation OP I'm so sorry ❤ while I haven't been in prison I also fell pregnant at 24 on a few anti epileptic meds, I also drank alot and took drugs recreationaly a few times (not in the 2 years leading up to my pregnancy though). My partner at the time also had a criminal record and was a serial cheater. My mum probably felt similar to how you do right now she was worried sick wanted me to move home. My dad told me to "seriously consider my options". I had my head buried in the sand completely and thought I was in love and I had a fairytale.

When my DS was about 6 weeks old my bubble burst and I realised what I needed to do and made the hard decision to split and move 200 miles back home to live with my mum. My epilepsy wasn't controlled for another few years and although she didn't fully look after my baby for me she played a significant part in helping me and showing me how to be a mother.

Hopefully you're daughter will make all the right decisions and just let her know you'll be there to help and support whenever you need her because knowing that helped me make the right choice to give my son the life he deserved.

My son is now in primary school, has no health problems physically or mentally and is flourishing. We finally live alone in our own little flat and I work 30 hours a week in a job I love and hope to progress in. I also drive again now too 🥰 also my poor mum now nearly 70 has finally retired and is doing loads of new hobbies she enjoys

Fingers crossed it all works out for you but just know there is hope out there. It isn't easy and will be hard for sure but it's not all doom and gloom.

Whenever she needs you*

No flaming from me. I’m 49 and my DH is almost 60.

We’re raising 2 small granddaughters. They’re 2 and 3. The older one came to us at 14 months, the little one at birth. It’s exhausting.

It’s so easy for people to say ‘you should take them’. The reality is the loss of all your own plans for retirement.

Our youngest was 20, independent and moving on with her own son. For the first time in our married lives we had 2 full time wages, no dependents living with us and big plans to explore the world. After all we were young enough to do it!

Then SS removed one of the kids children. The alternative to us having them was losing them to adoption. We decided we couldn’t face that. So we fought. It’s not as simple as ‘we’ll take them’. You have to jump through hoops and become kinship foster carers, then onto Special Guardians.

That means having your life raked over with a fine tooth comb. Finances, health, home, relationships, including ex marriages. All our kids were interviewed, our ex partners, references. Then the questions.... how will you cope at your ages, how you envisage disciplining the children, how do you think contact with parents will look, can you stop smoking please. It took us 8 months to get the orders.

Then there’s the parents who want us to parent how they think we should. We try to compromise but quite frankly they could barely raise a smile, let alone kids.

Honestly, I love my grandchildren but I miss the Nan relationship I should have had with them. I hate juggling these 2 that live with me with the needs of the other grandchildren that don’t. How can you explain to 5 year olds why you spend more money on their cousins at Xmas?

Oh yes the money. I clearly had to cut my work back, they asked me to give up completely but I love my job and needed the normality it afforded me. Whilst fostering it’s ok, they pay quite well. SGO though, you have to fight for every penny!

I love my son but dear god I resent him too for putting us in this position. We genuinely had to mourn the loss of the future we planned for ourselves. We have committed to 18 years plus of further parenting, including the sleepless nights, the illnesses and the damned school runs.

Would I do it differently, no of course not, but anyone that flames you has no bloody idea what they’re talking about.

Fucking right. We can do only so much and our adult children need to take responsibility for themselves.

she is an adult.

I think you are catastrophising. Take it one step at a time. Inform the doctors and take their advice. Best of luck.

Seriously people won’t criticise, why should you want to give up your career to raise a grandchild. Take it day by day

What is this dystopian society you are asking for? 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t even know where to begin. The USA wants a midwives tale where you’re forced to give birth and this one here wants a license to give birth? I presume it will only be the women who need carry this license? 🤣

Or are all the babies getting swabbed for paternity? Who’s chasing the men around for tests exactly? I suppose this would produce a lot of jobs. lol What do we do with rape victims? Are they excused? What happens years down the line when it’s found out that they were raped? Does the government pay out for it? What about teen pregnancies that are oopsies?

Are we legally enforcing abortions? Can’t wait to get into the deep entanglement of ethical and religious nonsense here.

This is borderline china’s one child policy right here. Lol. I just can’t wait to see how this is enforced by the government. Someone should write a book on this. But I really hope it stays in the fiction section. 😬

Sorry handmade’s tale. I’m on my phone so auto correct. lol

Nothing much to add other than hope the visit went well and you have all managed to begin to plan things for the best. Good luck!

Nothing to add; you aren't selfish and have every right to be concerned and to think about boundaries you hope to maintain. It's sensible and self preserving. I hope your talk goes ok. X

Well.
That went ok.
What was I worried about? They both have their heads screwed on.
She's actually 4 weeks.
She's already made an appointment with her gp and midwife. Emailed her consultant.
They are prepared for ss and willing to do anything.

I'm going to be a nana

I know how difficult the situation can be with pregnancy and epilepsy. My mum has epilepsy and chose not to go on any meds until after she'd had me (35 years ago). She did have a couple of seizures whilst pregnant with me and fell out of bed during one of them but I was OK. Apparently she just had to be monitored closely during labour with not getting too overtired.

After I was born, my mum went on Epilim and I do know with that drug, it's not advised to take when pregnant. Is your daughter on that one? If so, I'd get that one in particular checked out ASAP.

As it turned out, the Epilim worked for my mum and she has been seizure free since taking it. However, it did mean that she chose not to have another child as it would have meant coming off it and that was a risk as she had me as a child to consider too.

I really hope your situation works out op. It sounds very stressful.

Good news OP. Best of luck ❤️

This. Not your problem. You've done your bit. That poor child if she decides to give birth

Congratulations @aliceinshackles ! I wish your daughter the best with her pregnancy and becoming a mum!