Daughter pregnant

[aliceinshackles]

My 24yr daughter announced she's pregnant.
I'm worried sick.

She has serious mh issues and medication resistant epilepsy. She's on waiting list for brain surgery.
She takes 11 tablets of various anti convulsants and mh meds.
I've used the BNF to check these meds and pregnancy and a lot of the meds are toxic to the baby and can cause bad withdrawals.

She's known to social services so I imagine they will be in touch when she goes to the midwife.

She did drink a lot and take drugs.
Both her and her partner have been in prison so low on the council house list, she wants to move closer to us.

Not sure what I want but my head is flying everywhere, I'm epileptic as well and both her & her brother were effected by my meds during pregnancy. Withdrawals and mainly didn't feed for 3 days and very sleepy.

I'm worried about her mh , we think this is because some of her close friends have recently given birth.

Please calm me down.
She's coming to see me today with her partner.

She may find that social services become involved very quickly. However, the most urgent thing is appointments to see the doctors/contacting consultants in respect of her medications being teratogenic. Or she may find that she miscarried or there are abnormalities incompatible with life.

I've already told her to get in touch with her consultants asap

Other things are to be discussed later.

She needs to consider whether keeping the baby is advisable if she is on lots of medications and the impact and possible birth defects they could cause. She ideally needs to speak to her neurologist and an obstetrician before deciding whether to continue with the pregnancy as harsh as this may sound.

how is her mental health at current is she stable?

social services will need to do an assessment and they will then look at what support can be provided. They will also look at the criminal history.

I can’t offer help on much but I had brain surgery whilst pregnant I needed round the clock care afterwards and my mum left her job to help.

Going back many moons, when I was pregnant with her brother, I remember speaking to my neurologist. He gave me a list of possible birth defects and I spent so much time in the library ( no internet back then) researching everything to help us make our decision regarding my then pregnancy. I had more scans than normal and regular tests. Even at my age back then it was high risk for downs , cleft issue and spinal.

Right I seriously need to get ready for work.
I will come back later after I've spoken to both of them.
Going to be a hard conversation.

Oh and to answer a pp, her mh traits are triggered more by stressful events, she finds it hard to process things.
It has led to some dodgy moments.
I need to add she has been dry of drugs and alcohol for over 2 years now.
She works with all agencies and up until her seizures became really bad held down 3 jobs.

I can’t help on the medical side but on the subject of you caring for the baby, should it come to that, I would strongly advise you wait to be asked by social services rather than offering - being asked by them means it’s an alternative to the baby going into care and that gives you greater rights and potential support (including financial) than if you make a private arrangement with your daughter.

Bless you.
Did it effect your baby in any way?
This is what I'm worried about, but prepared to help to a certain degree

Thank you everyone, it's helping me keep my focus.
Half of me is scared stiff
The other half wants to look at baby stuff.
Yes daft I know , my emotions are haywire.

I will come back later x

Her dad thinks it's too early to tell them that we wouldn't be bringing the baby up.

Tell your husband that it is NOW that she still has time to have an abortion and later it will be a lot harder. I know you might want to give support but if you let them know they will think "oh, it's alright, we are getting help". Frame it as if you have no chances to take time off work, you need the money and can't quit etc. Don't make it about a career.

Good luck!

I've adhd, asd and a raft of chronic illnesses and I had a baby last year. She may surprise you in how well she copes. The most important thing is getting her linked in with services and getting her medication looked at. I know you're panicking but she could be a really good mother.

he was taken out at 33 weeks because of how Ill I was he has life long health problems not severe but underlining immunodeficiency, serious respiratory issues and most likely autism he had a lot more serious issues when younger he’s now 8. I didn’t know I was Ill when I became pregnant. My family’s life was turned upside down.

PLEASE READ THIS - THE VERY FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO IS GET HER ON THE HIGH DOSE OF FOLIC ACID - IT NEEDS TO BE 50UG NOT THE 40UG THAT YOU CAN GET OVER THE COUNTER - IT NEEDS TO BE PRESCRIBED VIA GP

She takes 11 tablets of various anti convulsants and mh meds

Is one of these medication sodium valporate? What epilepsy medication does she take?

How far along is she?

You need to let her know you will not be providing childcare. I have made plain to DS that if he ever has children I will help but it will be limited and I’m not going to martyr myself like my sister did.

You were brave to post. Some posters can be very judgemental, I’m glad you have met kindness. I think your partner is right that you should not be mentioning not raising the baby. Her intention is to do that with her partner, you could alienate her. She seems to have made massive strides over the last few years. She may have discussed conceiving with her doctors, and already be mitigating the risks. Obviously this is a high risk pregnancy, but I think you should try not to catastrophise, and show her that you trust her to do this right. Good luck.

She's about 8 weeks.

Sorry I just read this - in the nicest way possible, please don't buy any baby stuff. That's a lot of medications, and a lot of risk to the baby.

I would also say, that her background does not mean she will be an unfit mother, but she will need to engage with support from the start.

OP how very difficult for all involved.
Sadly I work with LAC all the reasons you have given regarding her health and other problems, is a key indicator that the child will end up in care. Its a very struggling service with not enough support so the kids involved really are disadvantaged sadly and I mean that in a realistic not negative way.
Once you see the baby/ bond with it thats you for another 18 years so you will be 68. Really think about that. The difference between being a supportive nan or a full time carer.
Not work related but I a have a friend aged 52 caring full time for toddler grandchildren. Due to the complex situation of her drug addicted Son and partner still involved, her life is a constant drudge of social worker meetings, welfare checks, and battling for extra support bith financially and practically.
She is exhausted, depressed and now diagnosed with Fibro.
If you take a baby on be realistic about it and the work involved. Is your daughter prepared to get support? Parenting classes before the birth? If you enable her it could fall to you totally. I hope you get support with what you all decide.

Ffs , good job I looked at my calendar.
I'm here sat in my work uniform. It's my day off ...

@StarsAreBlunt thank you for the advice about folic acid. I was just going to advise her about otc ones.

Deep down I think she will be a good mum. She's made mistakes , haven't we all. I know I have my fair share of fuck ups along the way.

@romdowa thank you for that. Support services is top of my list.

@Angelswithflirtyfaces this is all the things that scare me.
Thank you for your post

Of course you are not selfish. It’s such a difficult situation to be in. Good luck for today - I hope things work out for the best.

Harsh!!

Op, her mh and addiction problems are not a barrier to being a good mother necessarily and indeed it could be the making of her, but the surgery is very very serious. Could you share your concerns about her recovery and pregnancy? And see if she will consider having a baby in a few years time when she has completely recovered, and a planned pregnancy with the meds etc would be far better?

Maybe she has made up her mind, in which case yes folic acid, vitamins, urgent app with the consultant and as she is high risk a midwife immediately. Early scans etc. Health visitors can put her on their priority list.

I have seen what appears to be a disaster turn into something quite life changing. So although you need to remain level headed and practical, it is important also to be supportive and positive, if she keeps the baby, because she will need your love and support now more than ever.

Do you think she's still taking her meds?

I would gently ask that she's still taking them and hasn't come off them all now she knows she's pregnant. That could be just as risky as taking them for her.

No she's still taking her meds. She's can't risk not taking them.
That's for the experts to decide not her and she knows this.

@aliceinshackles the higher dose ones are vital (I am saying this as someone with epilepsy - they can dramatically cut the risk. They will still do good now, even though technically it's advised prior to conception - please do ask her to get an appointment for them). For me on three medication it cuts the risk by over 2/3s.