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Original poster

I can't afford to live normally anymore, what's the point?

467 replies

savingallmylove · 15/10/2022 20:22

No this isn't a suicidal thread! I'm not depressed. But I don't see a way out and it's terrifying

I don't have enough money coming in to cover food for myself properly. I'm living on soup and a few handouts from church (that I don't attend)

Now, I can't work so what do I do?

I'm a carer for my disabled child. When he's at school, I'm sleeping mostly or running errands that need doing, life admin etc

My monthly income no longer covers everything. There is no wiggle room, and I don't even have 'Netflix' or Spotify - my mum pays for my account as it's her family account

My son does swimming and horse riding but they're paid for by his DLA.

What on earth do I do? No it isn't a begging thread before someone reports me - My mum and dad will certainly feed me if I was starving or short!! But others aren't so fortunate to have family help if they're desperate

OP posts:
Comedycook · 15/10/2022 21:07

perseverence · 15/10/2022 21:03

Op is working already. They are a carer.

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Yes but the pay is awful clearly! Why can't the father start caring so the mum can get a job?

SarahR2022 · 15/10/2022 21:08

Just found this....a day in the life of a carer on youtube.....the sort of thing that I was thinking....its had 30000 views!!!!

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 15/10/2022 21:08

If the child enjoys horse riding and swimming then they are Essentials. It would be cruel to stop that.

Can the father do some of the care? Work would not only help financially, it will give you something else to do.

RedToothBrush · 15/10/2022 21:08

savingallmylove · 15/10/2022 20:31

No. That money isn't mine. It's my son's. It's his DLA

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Sorry, but you are taking handouts of food but he's still going horseriding?

His money needs to go on food first. Food for him.

ReeseWitherfork · 15/10/2022 21:09

I’m very sorry to OP. I’m not suggesting you stop eating. And by all means use food banks if you have to. My thinking went straight to the fact that food banks are struggling. My local one has quite literally run out of food a few times. The first person turned away may not have horse riding or swimming to give up.

Vegay · 15/10/2022 21:09

Hi OP,

Sorry you are feeling like this. I'm glad, however, that your child gets to do those activities.

I don't have much in the way of advice, I don't have children and I'm not struggling. We have struggled in the past though, and things can and do change.

The only thing I can offer advice on is the food situation. I'm plant-based for ethical reasons, and I find my food bills much cheaper. You could buy a pack of lentils for not much more than a tin of soup, and they will last ages. Daal, cottage pie, bolognaise and chilli can all be made with lentils. I know you need other ingredients, but what I do is bulk cook and freeze. It's cheaper, and lentils are a source of protein, so nutritionally better than some soups.

It's not much and isn't life changing, but if everyone gives one suggestion, it might help.

Flaunch · 15/10/2022 21:09

I thought DLA was there to support families with with increased cost of living that comes with a disability - specific food, extra clothes, warmer house, transport? Not fripperies such as horse riding lessons or swimming which as nice things to have but not vital in most peoples book.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/10/2022 21:09

Swimming and horse riding shouldn't be viewed as 'hobbies' in this instance, these are therapies that help the child in a variety of ways.

They'll be heavily subsidised as many things are for disabled children (horse riding lessons are normally around 30 quid a session!).

That said DLA is to bump up your income to cover any of the excess costs disability tends to create - if that means its feeding Mum so she can look after her child, so be it!

Inyournewdress · 15/10/2022 21:10

I don’t have any suggestions but I just wanted to say that I hear you OP, it is shit and depressing. I hope things will improve re costs in time, and maybe at some point your ex will be able to help. You sound like an amazing mum and a really great person. I totally get why your son should keep his activities. It’s awful that you can’t get care support, I am so sorry.

Adelyra · 15/10/2022 21:10

Also check out your local baby bank for your DC's clothes if that can save a few quid.

Some baby banks stock up to age 16.

Also call GP and ask if they have a social prescription service. They can help with a lot of things. Social and financial.

It makes me hate this country that this is what the most vulnerable in society are reduced to. Ffs.

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 21:10

My dc receives DLA and I have reduced horse riding lessons to once a month as they are £32 for half an hour’s lesson and I can’t pay that once a week.

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 21:11

So I pay £32 a month Instead of £128 which makes a big difference.

Lovemusic33 · 15/10/2022 21:11

People are not reading OP’s posts. Her son is fed, it’s her that is living on soup. She is making sure her son gets everything he needs with his DLA money but not for herself.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 15/10/2022 21:11

DLA is for disability-related expenditure OP. If your son's care needs mean you can't work, the DLA can absolutely be used to pay for your food and bills. He needs a healthy mum just as much as activities. I would also ask at the council of there is any help re electricity cost re the washing and drying or whether he would qualify for pads on scrip.

Kanaloa · 15/10/2022 21:11

You’re being a bit daft with the ‘it’s HIS money’ stuff. Yes it’s to meet his needs, but one if his needs is having a parent available to care for him at all times - which costs money. Which his DLA can help cover. It’s wonderful that he enjoys his horse riding and swimming so much but you need to better prioritise - food before hobbies.

Inyournewdress · 15/10/2022 21:11

Ps I have seen some people advertising on childcare.co.uk offering respite care if you could try there for direct payments, or would any charities or info groups have a list? It won’t help with money but at least it would be a break of sorts.

Sunflowerkeep · 15/10/2022 21:12

Bunsandtophats · 15/10/2022 20:34

If you won't stop the horse riding and swimming then you'll have to find work to bring in extra. It's what we other parents have to do to live.

I have 2 disabled children and I work part time. It's hard work, I'm tired but I have to work

Bananarama21 · 15/10/2022 21:12

I get dla for ds. My car was ready to go so I've used the money to purchase a car on finance which has helped massively for ds, getting him about. If I needed it for food I would in a heat beat.

WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:12

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 21:07

Yes but the pay is awful clearly! Why can't the father start caring so the mum can get a job?

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This is the most tone deaf response I’ve ever seen to a single mother with a disabled child.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/10/2022 21:12

For the 'horse riding is a frippery' lot.. who seem to be living in a cave somewhere and have never heard of RDA...

www.rda.org.uk/impact/

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 21:12

I haven’t heard of subsidised horse riding lessons. Who pays for that?

BarbaraofSeville · 15/10/2022 21:12

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 15/10/2022 20:38

One of the biggest costs of raising a disabled child if you have to care for them full time is loss of income. It's OK to use DLA to pay for families basic needs. I did.

This. If you can't work because of your DSs needs, it's completely fine to use his DLA towards replacing lost wages. That would normally pay for basic food, bills and housing then therapies, equipment and activities.

Your DS needs a home with bills covered and a properly fed DM to care for him. Therefore, priority 1 is covering these, then things like riding and swimming.

But also look at the cost of living help section on Moneysavingexpert.com. you might find you can get extra grants and special tariffs.

Aspiringmatriarch · 15/10/2022 21:13

Caroffee · 15/10/2022 20:59

Some horrible posts on here. The horse riding and swimming are probably two of the only joys in life the OP's child has. I completely agree that you shouldn't take these away from him, OP.

Posters who are saying you should give up the horse riding and swimming almost certainly have no idea what it is like to either have a severe disability or to care for someone who has. They should stick to commenting on general cost of living threads because their ignorance is glaring and offensive.

I agree. It's awful to see posters immediately suggest jettisoning the things that make life worth living for OP and her son. Missing the point of the whole thread really.

Flaunch · 15/10/2022 21:13

Well yes but is she spending all her money on him and all ‘his money’ on hobbies when she should be spending his money on food for him so she can afford to eat herself.

Realityloom · 15/10/2022 21:13

So even if your Son was to have horse riding each week that would be £80 per month.

Tricky situation. Why are you using a drier can you cut down?