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Original poster

I can't afford to live normally anymore, what's the point?

467 replies

savingallmylove · 15/10/2022 20:22

No this isn't a suicidal thread! I'm not depressed. But I don't see a way out and it's terrifying

I don't have enough money coming in to cover food for myself properly. I'm living on soup and a few handouts from church (that I don't attend)

Now, I can't work so what do I do?

I'm a carer for my disabled child. When he's at school, I'm sleeping mostly or running errands that need doing, life admin etc

My monthly income no longer covers everything. There is no wiggle room, and I don't even have 'Netflix' or Spotify - my mum pays for my account as it's her family account

My son does swimming and horse riding but they're paid for by his DLA.

What on earth do I do? No it isn't a begging thread before someone reports me - My mum and dad will certainly feed me if I was starving or short!! But others aren't so fortunate to have family help if they're desperate

OP posts:
WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:13

Sunflowerkeep · 15/10/2022 21:12

I have 2 disabled children and I work part time. It's hard work, I'm tired but I have to work

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Single parent or not? Family help or not?

transformandriseup · 15/10/2022 21:13

I really feel for the OP and it sounds like the activities are really benefiting her son however I grew up in a household which is completely reliant on benefits due to a parent who became severely disabled and the other there full time carer. It was a tough time but all of the money received no matter who it was for went into one pot, it just wouldn't have worked otherwise.

I think if there is any money left from the DLA it need to go back into the family pot.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/10/2022 21:13

Bananarama21 · 15/10/2022 21:12

I get dla for ds. My car was ready to go so I've used the money to purchase a car on finance which has helped massively for ds, getting him about. If I needed it for food I would in a heat beat.

Surely a motability vehicle would have been cheaper with fewer maintenance costs?

MarshaBradyo · 15/10/2022 21:13

BarbaraofSeville · 15/10/2022 21:12

This. If you can't work because of your DSs needs, it's completely fine to use his DLA towards replacing lost wages. That would normally pay for basic food, bills and housing then therapies, equipment and activities.

Your DS needs a home with bills covered and a properly fed DM to care for him. Therefore, priority 1 is covering these, then things like riding and swimming.

But also look at the cost of living help section on Moneysavingexpert.com. you might find you can get extra grants and special tariffs.

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I agree too. Especially riding which is expensive

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 15/10/2022 21:14

@Flaunch those 'fripperies' as you call them, are OP's son's social and physical therapy, which help his condition. Fuck off with the jugment.

cowandchickensmum · 15/10/2022 21:14

It's bloody shocking. Honestly no idea what living with a child who has complex needs is. Most of use are hanging on by a thread emotionally physically etc. but sure get a job.... 🕵️‍♀️👀🤔

ringsaglitter · 15/10/2022 21:14

Hi, used to work CitizensAdvice over here. Are you claiming PIP for your son? Also, you said you're sleeping throughout the day, is that from caring for your son at night or are you suffering from depression / anxiety?

I completely understand why you're using all the money to give your son the best life possible, and I think when a child has a disability in particular, things like school can be more of a challenge so those extra activities are his release, but I've heard things are going to get a little tight in the UK over the next couple of years ( I don't live there anymore, so please don't judge me if I'm wrong) so, unfortunately it might be worth cutting the horse riding. I agree it's a poor move, but the reality is benefits don't cover the essentials.

You're doing a wonderful job as a mother, please recognise that and keep up the hard hard work.

WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:14

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 21:12

I haven’t heard of subsidised horse riding lessons. Who pays for that?

Oh ffs.

INeverSawAPurpleCow · 15/10/2022 21:14

Caroffee · 15/10/2022 20:59

Some horrible posts on here. The horse riding and swimming are probably two of the only joys in life the OP's child has. I completely agree that you shouldn't take these away from him, OP.

Posters who are saying you should give up the horse riding and swimming almost certainly have no idea what it is like to either have a severe disability or to care for someone who has. They should stick to commenting on general cost of living threads because their ignorance is glaring and offensive.

This!

A lot of people simply don't understand disability.

OP, have you tried asking Citizens Advice if there are any local charities that would help you out?

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 21:14

WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:12

This is the most tone deaf response I’ve ever seen to a single mother with a disabled child.

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I'm criticising the father not the mother. Why is the mother having to do all the caring?

WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:14

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/10/2022 21:13

Surely a motability vehicle would have been cheaper with fewer maintenance costs?

Show quote history

Only available on High Rate Mobility.

WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:15

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 21:14

I'm criticising the father not the mother. Why is the mother having to do all the caring?

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Because society is deeply misogynistic? Men can walk away with zero consequences? Women are always expected to do the grunt work and live in poverty. HTH.

MummyGummy · 15/10/2022 21:15

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 15/10/2022 21:03

I agree these are not essentials at all!!!

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They are for a disabled child. They will be essential for helping with physical development, social interaction and providing opportunities for achievement outside of school which is usually woefully inadequate for SEN children. If an Occupational Therapist has recommended these activities to build core strength and flexibility etc then the OP is absolutely correct in using her child’s DLA to pay for it. That is exactly what it is for!

Hurtingandhealing · 15/10/2022 21:15

HI OP, I think it’s so heartbreaking and outrageous that you’re forced to choose between necessities like food and lovely activities like horse riding and swimming for your disabled son - I absolutely see why you wouldn’t want to give these up for him, you shouldn’t have to. All I can say is that you’re doing amazingly in the circumstances and once we get rid of this trash government, hopefully it will all be worth it.

Sending you love

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 21:15

Why is that ffs? I don’t know who subsidises horse riding lessons for disabled children and that would be useful to me to know as I pay £32 per half hour for my disabled dc.

Anneofwindypoplars · 15/10/2022 21:15

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 21:03

If his father is no longer contributing financially, can he not help look after him so you can actually work?

snort

because fathers who give not a penny to their children are so likely to do this.

Babyroobs · 15/10/2022 21:16

ringsaglitter · 15/10/2022 21:14

Hi, used to work CitizensAdvice over here. Are you claiming PIP for your son? Also, you said you're sleeping throughout the day, is that from caring for your son at night or are you suffering from depression / anxiety?

I completely understand why you're using all the money to give your son the best life possible, and I think when a child has a disability in particular, things like school can be more of a challenge so those extra activities are his release, but I've heard things are going to get a little tight in the UK over the next couple of years ( I don't live there anymore, so please don't judge me if I'm wrong) so, unfortunately it might be worth cutting the horse riding. I agree it's a poor move, but the reality is benefits don't cover the essentials.

You're doing a wonderful job as a mother, please recognise that and keep up the hard hard work.

She's not claiming PIP for her son if she's claiming DLA. PIP is for older kids over 16 and adults up to pension age.

oakleaffy · 15/10/2022 21:16

savingallmylove · 15/10/2022 20:40

Should also add the horse riding is probably a lot less expensive than people are thinking -

£20 a month. It's every fortnight. My son has the mental age of 0-11 months (across all reports). Horses have taken him into a different planet. I can't stop it. I can't. It's made him

A place with a disabled facility with horses is as rare as hens teeth around here too

I understand totally why horses are so important to your son ( I worked at RDA years ago)
It was the high point of many rider’s weeks.

Horses have a “Magic” to them.
A very severely disabled person worked there-
he never spoke, or wanted to ride, but just liked helping around the yard.
Hard worker, too.

ThereIbledit · 15/10/2022 21:17

Some of you REALLY aren't hearing that the riding is only £20 a month and is of HUGE therapeutic benefit for the child. Huge.

I've been involved with Riding for the Disabled type charities. £10 a session is as I would expect for RDA. The instructor, and people who lead the ponies and help the riders are all volunteers. The riding school charges a nominal fee for the use of their horses and the riding school, and the charity fundraises for the difference between income and expenditure.

Kid is likely to get a lot out of the swimming too.

This is the reality of life in Britain for a scary number of people these days. We think the system is set up to provide adequate basic quality of life for everybody, but we've had years after years of the tories dismantling funding, fucking around with allowances, totally ignoring the warnings from charities and case studies of people who die as a direct result of those policies, and now on top of all that an absolutely fucked economy and fuel costs through the roof.

It's become normal for a breathtaking number of families to just not be able to make ends meet without food bank type handouts and for there to be nothing, zero, zilch left for them to economise on or ways for them to increase their income. This IS the state of our nation, in 2022, and it's frightening.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/10/2022 21:17

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 21:12

I haven’t heard of subsidised horse riding lessons. Who pays for that?

Riding for the Disabled Association, you've never heard of that? They've been around over 50 YEARS!

Kanaloa · 15/10/2022 21:18

MummyGummy · 15/10/2022 21:15

They are for a disabled child. They will be essential for helping with physical development, social interaction and providing opportunities for achievement outside of school which is usually woefully inadequate for SEN children. If an Occupational Therapist has recommended these activities to build core strength and flexibility etc then the OP is absolutely correct in using her child’s DLA to pay for it. That is exactly what it is for!

Show quote history

Realistically they’re not, though. They’re important and helpful and enriching but they aren’t essential. Not like food.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 15/10/2022 21:19

Anneofwindypoplars · 15/10/2022 21:15

snort

because fathers who give not a penny to their children are so likely to do this.

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OP said that the father is unable to help financially because of his health, not that he’s unwilling to do it.

lakeswimmer · 15/10/2022 21:20

Presumably the lessons are with RDA which is a charity so they'll be able to charge less than a commercial stables as they can help cover their costs with fundraising.

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 21:20

WhatsAVideo · 15/10/2022 21:15

Because society is deeply misogynistic? Men can walk away with zero consequences? Women are always expected to do the grunt work and live in poverty. HTH.

Show quote history

Well yes, that was my point

The mother is in this shitty situation because not only does she get no money from the father but she also gets no practical help. He's the problem.

StarShapedWindow · 15/10/2022 21:20

Hi OP, I agree that your DS needs to keep his horse riding and swimming. I know we like to be independent once we’re adults but as a mother, if either of my DC were in your position I would be very happy to give them an extra ££ (whatever it is you need or whatever they can spare) to make life better for you. I don’t know your parents position but is it possible they could help you for the next few years or until things are easier?
I’m so sorry you’re struggling.