I can't afford to live normally anymore, what's the point?

[savingallmylove]

No this isn't a suicidal thread! I'm not depressed. But I don't see a way out and it's terrifying

I don't have enough money coming in to cover food for myself properly. I'm living on soup and a few handouts from church (that I don't attend)

Now, I can't work so what do I do?

I'm a carer for my disabled child. When he's at school, I'm sleeping mostly or running errands that need doing, life admin etc

My monthly income no longer covers everything. There is no wiggle room, and I don't even have 'Netflix' or Spotify - my mum pays for my account as it's her family account

My son does swimming and horse riding but they're paid for by his DLA.

What on earth do I do? No it isn't a begging thread before someone reports me - My mum and dad will certainly feed me if I was starving or short!! But others aren't so fortunate to have family help if they're desperate

Does ExH look after your child at all?

If he can't contribute money, can he contribute time?

Some horrible posts on here. The horse riding and swimming are probably two of the only joys in life the OP's child has. I completely agree that you shouldn't take these away from him, OP.

Posters who are saying you should give up the horse riding and swimming almost certainly have no idea what it is like to either have a severe disability or to care for someone who has. They should stick to commenting on general cost of living threads because their ignorance is glaring and offensive.

Agree.

Pretty shocked at some of the dickish comments on here.

• of course horse riding for the disabled is amazing! It's been a thing for decades, horses are hugely beneficial to people with disabilities.

But at this juncture so is a functional mother ?

Hi OP. I am a single parent to a disabled child too, I feel similar to you, it does feel like this is my life now and I am trapped unable to work and unable to socialise. I am self employed, I cover some care shifts when people are off sick/on holiday and I dog walk, I can kind of chose my hours to fit around dd, though she’s now on a 4 day week since moving to SEN college and her holidays seem to be longer so there’s a lot of time where I can’t work at all. I have no help from family or DD’s dad. Dd gets high rate PIP but this is used for days out (her day off college) so things like the cinema and swimming, also money goes on replacing clothes and the things she breaks.

You can use DLA to pay for anything that benefits your ds, that can also mean food, electric and bills. I know it’s hard to drop activities as he enjoys them but food is also important for you as you need energy to care for your DS.

Those talking about a care assessment… if OP was offered respite hours she would be unable to use that time to work. I get respite for dd and have been told I am not allowed to work during this time. Dd gets one hour respite a week and I have been fighting for overnight respite as I haven’t had a night away from her for 6 years other than one night in hospital. Getting any help is near impossible 😞. Getting any kind of care so you can work is totally impossible.

Well, I don't know any churches/food banks that would begrudge some food to a struggling parent of a disabled child. Or expect that parent to stop an activity such as riding for the disabled at £10 per session which benefits him enormously. It's not show jumping for the elite. FFS

You’re kidding, surely? How much harder would you like the OP’s life to be?

But your his carer and there's a real risk of your situation (caring for him) breaking down if you're not looking after yourself. I admire how you view his DLA but I would rethink this.

I sympathise OP, times are hard for lots of folk right now. It's good that you have family support if needed, and fwiw I don't think you using a foodbank is unethical as suggested by a pp. Hope things improve fo you.

Spot on. Well said. Post by Reese one of the worst I've ever read on Mumsnet.

I get why you don't want to give up the horse riding & swimming however, to change your situation then something needs to be done and I think the only thing would be to get a part-time job, working from home if need. Even one where maybe 16 hours a week, split across 3-4 days. 4 days would be 4 hours a day, you can work and sleep before your son is home from school. Or would your parents babysit and you work 1 day at the weekend, say in a shop/restaurant/pub, even a delivery driver if you drive. If you drive, there is loads of delivery driving jobs that are really flexible, amazon to name one.

And yes, I also hope your son can continue swimming and riding too.

Parent of a diabled child here, he gets high rate dla for care and mobility, I don't work and claim carers allowance.

You are getting too fixated on the DLA being your child's money!!! You can't look after him if you don't look after yourself!!!!

Eating trumps swimming.

I get dla for my son. It pays for many things which you might not see as benefitting him.

My son needs more clothes because he trashes them faster than other kids his age, he needs organised activities like yours because the cheaper options like a trip to the park that other kids can do aren't possible for him. Obviously these are directly related to him.

Then we go through furniture and carpets faster than most people because he (accidentally) damages things. And we use more petrol because we can't walk anywhere. And we have to go on more expensive holidays due to his accommodation needs. So it covers that too.

The list of things we spend money on that my friends with similar age kids don't is endless and probably beyond the money we get, before you take into account my lost earnings too.

So in short dla isn't just for fun stuff for the recipient. Use it to pay for what you'd otherwise have if you weren't a carer.

This might be a bit leftfield....but could be an answer to your problem....have you thought about documenting your experience as a carer on youtube for example....it could be really helpful for others in your position....costs mothing to start up and could earn you a decent income if it takes off.....just a thought

"Those talking about a care assessment… if OP was offered respite hours she would be unable to use that time to work. I get respite for dd and have been told I am not allowed to work during this time. Dd gets one hour respite a week and I have been fighting for overnight respite as I haven’t had a night away from her for 6 years other than one night in hospital. Getting any help is near impossible 😞. Getting any kind of care so you can work is totally impossible."

i was the one who asked about a care assessment and it was not with a view to arguing that she should do paid work during any respite hours - it was in the hope that she was getting some more opportunity to rest because it sounds so tough. Please don't assume I was pushing paid work just because so many people on this thread are pushing it. OP needs rest/respite, and advice about grants and budgeting. Not pressure to find paid work.

I agree these are not essentials at all!!!

If his father is no longer contributing financially, can he not help look after him so you can actually work?

Don’t spend DLA money on an extra bedroom. LA’s can allocate /override amounts to award an extra bedroom where it’s medically required. EG you have a 3 bed house. Your in 1 bedroom. Your son is in the other bedroom “my friend/mother comes over to sleep in the third bedroom 5 nights a week to provide me with respite/get up with my child”. Hence you’ll receive 3 bed rate not the 2 bed rate.

Food banks are exactly for the circumstances OP is in, (though they may be woefully inadequate and it gives me the rage that people like OP can’t access quality items because of the greed of others…. - different thread).

OP wants to do the best she can for her son, she feels the DLA is for him and should be spent on him doing things he enjoys. Surely we can relate to doing the best for our children.

How much do you have set aside for food per week? What does your son eat- are you spending the majority of your food budget on him too….

Op is working already. They are a carer.

Sorry read the full thread. I agree it's amazing your son has these activities but he needs you to be well more- I suppose that's my view in these fucking awful times. Sorry you're even having to think about all of this.

You need to stop being a martyr and use some of the money to eat.
It really is as simple as that

@OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside But they absolutely are essentials within the context of her son's disability! Have you ever cared for a disabled child?

Genuinely don't understand why people aren't getting this.

If you get ill because you're not eating properly, your child's care will suffer. Spend a small amount of DLA money on cheap but adequate food for yourself so you can look after him properly (not talking steak and wine here, I just mean some fresh veg, tinned toms, pasta etc), even if it's not for every night.

Can the child's father even contribute £10 or 20 a month?

Obviously the horse riding has to stay.