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Original poster

DP doesn't brush his teeth

242 replies

permanentgiraffe · 14/10/2022 12:04

My fiancé rarely brushes his teeth. I brush mine twice a day morning and night. I think the last time he brushed his teeth was Tuesday morning or maybe even before then! He also rarely showers. He wipes his nose with his hand and not a tissue. If I prompt him to brush his teeth he sighs and gets annoyed. It's disgusting. He is lucky that he doesn't get bad breath.

He is great in every other way - very kind, caring, has a good job etc. He does his fair share of the work in the house although he is incredibly messy.

I have spoken to him before and said it is very disrespectful to me that he doesn't take care of his hygiene. I've said I deserve better. He said he isn't doing it to be disrespectful. He improved for a few days and he's slipped back into his bad habits.

Why am I marrying this absolute creature? As above, apart from the hygiene issue he is great in all other ways.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 14/10/2022 15:35

I wouldn’t care if his arse was studded in DIAMONDS, I couldn’t be within a MILE of him!

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 15:45

Why does he think it normal not to bother with personal hygiene?

I would find that deeply unattractive in a partner, and he wouldn't have got past the second date let alone got me to agree to marry him.

He sounds gross.

DariaMorgendorffer · 14/10/2022 15:54

@LaDamaDeElche

'Do you have any actual experience of adhd'?
Lots.
I have it.
So does my DC
So do other close family members.

'When DD got diagnosed a neuropsychologist told me this was common, but what does a neuropsychologist know, hey? 🙄 '
Not one poster has disputed your neuropsychologist's comments, or that adhd affects executive functioning.

'It's like people seem to lack comprehension skills on here sometimes'
Couldn't agree more when I read your posts. I think it would be positive if you could try to comprehend why some posters have flagged concerns, or seemed exasperated with adhd being mentioned in the way that it was, in response to the op. However, I don't think I'm going to be the person to convince you. It's a pity, because open, respectful exchanges can educate us all.

DariaMorgendorffer · 14/10/2022 16:01

LaDamaDeElche · 14/10/2022 14:42

EnjoythemoneyJane Absolutely resonated with me too. It was actually through a post on MN that I started to think about the fact DD may have ADHD. Lots of things were "normal" as she was only little and lots of kids had those behaviours, but when you put them together a bigger picture arose. It's lovely to get jumped on by posters who have zero knowledge about ADHD for just asking a question 🙄

So anyone who has a different opinion to has 'zero knowledge' ?
Nobody jumped on you, they are just expressing their opinions. Also, I would wager that everyone who did reply to your post, on this public discussion forum, has plenty knowledge of ADHD. It's ok to differ.

LaDamaDeElche · 14/10/2022 16:02

It's like people seem to lack comprehension skills on here sometimes' Couldn't agree more when I read your posts. I think it would be positive if you could try to comprehend why some posters have flagged concerns, or seemed exasperated with adhd being mentioned in the way that it was, in response to the op. However, I don't think I'm going to be the person to convince you. It's a pity, because open, respectful exchanges can educate us
Flagged concerns about what? The fact I asked the OP a question? If you read my original post, tell me where a concern needs to be flagged? I saw something that resonated with me and asked the OP if this was the case for her DP, no armchair diagnosis, just a question. The first post back to me was neither open or respectful, or subsequent posts with laughing and eye rolling about ADHD being mentioned. So on MN now if someone is describing something that directly correlates with a morons if ADHD no one can ask if this is the case? Or do we need permission from someone? You perhaps?

LaDamaDeElche · 14/10/2022 16:12

*directly correlates with someone's own experience of ADHD...

DariaMorgendorffer · 14/10/2022 16:15

LaDamaDeElche · 14/10/2022 16:02

It's like people seem to lack comprehension skills on here sometimes' Couldn't agree more when I read your posts. I think it would be positive if you could try to comprehend why some posters have flagged concerns, or seemed exasperated with adhd being mentioned in the way that it was, in response to the op. However, I don't think I'm going to be the person to convince you. It's a pity, because open, respectful exchanges can educate us
Flagged concerns about what? The fact I asked the OP a question? If you read my original post, tell me where a concern needs to be flagged? I saw something that resonated with me and asked the OP if this was the case for her DP, no armchair diagnosis, just a question. The first post back to me was neither open or respectful, or subsequent posts with laughing and eye rolling about ADHD being mentioned. So on MN now if someone is describing something that directly correlates with a morons if ADHD no one can ask if this is the case? Or do we need permission from someone? You perhaps?

I didn't mean to be disrespectful in my post to you, and I sincerely apologise if it came across as so. It was not my intention.

Permission-asking, not at all, and definitely not from me Grin

I think we should all be allowed to discuss different points of view respectfully, and ideally without being accused of not having any knowledge of a subject, or of not being able to critically think, or of jumping on a poster.

I'm going to bow out here.

Best of luck op Flowers

MingoDringo · 14/10/2022 16:16

permanentgiraffe · 14/10/2022 12:20

He is ridiculously lucky that he doesn't have bad breath. If I didn't brush my teeth even one night, my breath would not be good in the morning!

I think it's more likely that your sense of smell is dodgy 😁

Kindofcrunchy · 14/10/2022 16:21

This thread is really sad. Poor hygiene can be an issue for a number of reasons, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's a bad partner or a horrible person. It's off-putting, yes, but is it really a good reason to leave someone who is a good partner in all other aspects? (Assuming he is a good partner aside from the lack of hygiene.)

The way I'd address this is to brush teeth together, shower together (if possible - can also be fun, if you need to sell it to him lol) everyday and generally pass your good habits on to him. If you do it for long enough it's bound to stick.

Mannymoomin · 14/10/2022 16:24

You already find it disgusting (rightly so)
So it’s only a matter of time before you find that he gives you the ick, that really is a difficult place to come back from, looking into the future, you won’t be happy once you get the ick, and living in an unhappy relationship is definitely no life

Rockingcloggs · 14/10/2022 16:34

If ever there was a reason for a penis beaker this is it.

DumpedByText · 14/10/2022 16:36

That's truly grim, surely he washes his knob before you have sex! 🤮

Mannymoomin · 14/10/2022 16:45

DumpedByText · 14/10/2022 16:36

That's truly grim, surely he washes his knob before you have sex! 🤮

And after!

bobtheveryoldBuilder · 14/10/2022 16:50

tell him to get the 'streaks' app. He can set up daily tasks, and one of them is 'brush teeth' so he's not the only one !

bingbummy · 14/10/2022 17:03

Well you don't seem too bothered by it. I couldn't kiss someone with manky teeth. I brush mine after every meal. I'm a bit OTT about clean teeth I guess but my point is if you are okay with it what's the problem?

It can just be what we're used to, from childhood. My husband says I'm disgusting because I don't shower daily. He actually brushes his teeth less than I find ideal but I simply ask him to do it before we kiss after he's eaten.

LaDamaDeElche · 14/10/2022 17:04

DariaMorgendoffer I'm sorry too if I seemed somewhat prickly in my response to you. I just feel like my first post was completely normal, not trying to diagnose etc and got some really shitty responses for just asking a question, while the other x lines of my post were ignored. Here is my post, btw. I really can't see anything wrong in what I said at all and only asked from a place of my own experience.

Does he have ADHD? A lot of people with ADHD struggle with daily routine and hygiene, although I think most try to find strategies to overcome this by the time they get to adulthood. If he doesn't have ADHD or anything else that may affect his ability to keep a normal daily routine, I think you have to look at this as a dealbreaker tbh. What may be tolerable (just) now, will most likely not be tolerable down the line. There's really no excuse for poor personal hygiene in neurotypical adults. It's disrespectful to your partner, as let's be real no one wants to have sex with someone who hasn't washed for days. Also, the bedsheets get musty, even sofas pick up smells from dirty hair and feet. Past the teenage years there really is no excuse for this. It's gross and disrespectful

RandomMusings7 · 14/10/2022 17:06

Poor hygiene can be an issue for a number of reasons, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's a bad partner or a horrible person. It's off-putting, yes, but is it really a good reason to leave someone who is a good partner in all other aspects?

Yes. Absolutely a good reason to dump someone.

Let me put it this way... if a sandwich is 99% the tastiest healthiest ingredients and 1% actual shit, do you still eat it?

hellyeahmamma · 14/10/2022 17:10

Ergh gross. If it annoys you now, imagine what it will be like in a few years. Don't marry him until he bucks up!

SwordToFlamethrower · 14/10/2022 17:13

You will be constantly paying for medication to deal with all the infections he will be giving you. Every time you kiss, every time you have sex, every time he makes you a sandwich.

I was engaged to a man like this and in the end, he actually made me gag just to look at him.

You absolutely cannot marry a man like this. He can't be as nice as you say he is if he doesn't keep clean, knowing how you feel and how ill he will make you.

Nandocushion · 14/10/2022 17:25

This is disgusting and HE WON'T CHANGE. Just spend ten minutes or so on the Relationships or AIBU board and read all the posts from women who married and/or had kids with someone with some sort of bad habit - no hygiene, selfish, messy etc. They all say "I thought he'd change after we married/had children" etc and they never ever do. And after years of this and him being messy and filthy and you having children to look after as well as nagging him to brush his teeth and shower (wtf), you will start to hate him and wonder how you got into this mess in the first place.

WingingItSince1973 · 14/10/2022 17:44

Reading this thread has put me off my dinner. Seriously OP this is more than gross. I wouldn't let my dh near me in any shape or form if he was like this.

Herejustforthisone · 14/10/2022 22:24

How did this descend into a squabble about ADHD? __

Carlycat · 14/10/2022 23:36

permanentgiraffe · 14/10/2022 14:24

We are both WFH today so I just sat him down (I appreciate I may have jumped the gun a bit). I said you need to improve your hygiene levels or I will leave. I also said I've asked on mumsnet and was going to read the responses and he says I know they will all support you but they will hurt me so I don't want to hear them. He said he will do his best, he needs my help to remind him. I said I'm not his mother?

He's pathetic as well as an absolute minger. Raise your standards 🤮

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 14/10/2022 23:49

What kind of upbringing did he have? Are his parents the same?

I just can't even believe this thread is real. Why on earth would you be with a man like that?

Thistlelass · 15/10/2022 01:05

I married one like that, not realising that he would not change. Yes it is very disrespectful to a partner. Does he have any possible mental health problems?

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