DP doesn't brush his teeth

[permanentgiraffe]

My fiancé rarely brushes his teeth. I brush mine twice a day morning and night. I think the last time he brushed his teeth was Tuesday morning or maybe even before then! He also rarely showers. He wipes his nose with his hand and not a tissue. If I prompt him to brush his teeth he sighs and gets annoyed. It's disgusting. He is lucky that he doesn't get bad breath.

He is great in every other way - very kind, caring, has a good job etc. He does his fair share of the work in the house although he is incredibly messy.

I have spoken to him before and said it is very disrespectful to me that he doesn't take care of his hygiene. I've said I deserve better. He said he isn't doing it to be disrespectful. He improved for a few days and he's slipped back into his bad habits.

Why am I marrying this absolute creature? As above, apart from the hygiene issue he is great in all other ways.

Just tell him to set reminders on his phone!!!!its literally wake up clean teeth shower. Before bed clean teeth shower.
Don't let him in bed unless this has been done

Scuzzy teeth and knob cheese 🤢
What a catch!

He is lucky that he doesn't get bad breath

He will though at some point.
I really don't know how you can put up with this. This will be what it will be like for the rest of your life. As you say, you are not his mother, but you will end up in that role.
I think someone who had to have teeth removed as a young adult due to not brushing and didn't then put a strict dental hygiene regime in place is basically a lost cause. Because that shock should have woken him up.

As for the sex.... no shower, no sex.
All very well you're using a condom now, but what about when you are trying for a child or decide to use another form of contraception. Then that filthy, unwashed penis is going inside you.

Also you say he does stuff around the house but he is very messy. That's now, before you're married. Can you imagine what that is going to be like in ten years? It will only get worse, as will the personal hygiene.

How old are you? Bodies don't improve in scent as they charge towards middle age. You are going to find him very off-putting very quickly.

@Shlomping1234 😂

I agree, @LaDamaDeElche. DS is the same. He definitely doesn’t mean to be unhygienic and gets very upset and defensive when it’s pointed out, but he can sometimes struggle with maintaining personal care routines. He know it’s minging, he knows it’s unpleasant for other people and he doesn’t mean to let things slip. But he can’t help it.

OP’s update - that her DP would be hurt to read the responses here and wants her to remind him to keep clean also resonates. Yes, he could just be a lazy grotbag, but there may be something else going on, that’s all.

Either way, if I were you, OP, I’d suck it up and start reminding. Way more preferable IMO than shagging someone with a dirty dick and last week’s lunch in his molars 🤮

Assuming there's no foreplay then OP? If that was me my mouth wouldn't be going anywhere near his dirty body. Makes me feel ill just thinking about it.

You shouldn't have to remind him. Have him set an alarm twice a day on his phone so he can remind himself.

Please tell me you don’t kiss him if he doesn’t brush his teeth or give him oral sex if he doesn’t shower 🤢🤢

If you do then I’m not sure which of you is more grim tbh!

That is vile, he wouldn't be getting within ten feet of me and I certainly wouldn't sleep in the same bed. No way would I marry someone like that. He might not get bad breath (though I find that hard to believe) but just think of the bacteria and old food particles 😣

EnjoythemoneyJane Absolutely resonated with me too. It was actually through a post on MN that I started to think about the fact DD may have ADHD. Lots of things were "normal" as she was only little and lots of kids had those behaviours, but when you put them together a bigger picture arose. It's lovely to get jumped on by posters who have zero knowledge about ADHD for just asking a question 🙄

Definitely no oral if he hasn't showered but I do sometimes kiss him when he hasn't brushed his teeth (sometimes I say no, go and brush your teeth first)

Presumably you’re marrying him because you’re prepared to endure his terrible hygiene, even though you call him “this absolute creature”.
Please think hard about it though. There have been loads of threads on MN about partners/husbands like this. They always refuse to change or say they can’t, or they’re “trying”. They get worse as they get older. Yours has already told you that his hurt feelings over being confronted with it trump your wish to live with someone who keeps up a basic standard of personal hygiene.
You’ll be having sex with a man who doesn’t wash his genitals or backside. People you socialise with will notice the smell. If you have kids, they’ll notice that other kids’ fathers don’t smell and look dirty.
Your choice, but it seems odd to want this to be your life.

Also ADHD or any other SEND is no reason to be a dirt bag.

I have ADHD and autism and things like showering can take a massive effort - but I still do them as I know if I don’t I would smell.

I would not kiss or have sex with someone knowing I hadn’t brushed my teeth or washed.

Having ADHD doesn’t make you stupid.

Jesus Christ. How are you coping with this? He must stink. His arse will stink. How can you have sex with him? Can you smell the musty and cheesy balls and bell end? 🤢

You would never think he has poor hygiene. When he works in the office he wears a shirt and smart trousers. He dresses decently other times and looks respectable.

He is currently very upset but hopefully he will change

Just stop being intimate with him until he starts brushing his teeth twice a day and showering.

I bet he’ll soon find a way to remember when he wants sex.

He definitely doesn't have ADHD - he's so on top of other things. He just forgets or doesn't want to brush his teeth or shower

I've just read your update.. He won't change, He doesn't need a problem and doesn't even acknowledge your request'Try' isn't good enough

@LaDamaDeElche
Yes I've a lot of experience with ADHD.

No one suggested it did. If you read my original post I said the majority of adults have developed strategies to help with any issues they have with daily routine. Just people started jumping on it and saying why are you saying he's got ADHD, which I wasn't. I simply asked the question, which the OP has now answered.

Fwiw there are other situations when people might nit take a shower regularly, brush their teeth etc.. NOT saying that this the OP’s case btw.

But things that could happen

• never been taught as a child to brush their teeth daily. I wasn’t.
• MH
• illnesses (often those that affect energy, balance etc…)

My parents never taught me to brush my teeth. They didn’t even buy a toothbrush for me. Somehow I was supposed to have picked that up in my own, maybe by watching them??
I have memories of being asked to brush my teeth at primary school (scheme run throughout the school. All children were meant to use that ‘special toothpaste’ about once in the year). Of course my gums were bleeding from it because I never brushed them…
Starting to brush them everyday has been something really hard to do for me. And I only managed to get into the swing of things through sheer determination. And even after after 30+ years (when I decided I was going to brush my teeth regularly), I sometimes slip. It’s still not an automatic thing for me :(:(

catsandcoffee So why did you jump on my post for me simply asking the question? If you have experience with it, you know that this can be a reason why people struggle with their daily routine. At no point did I say "that's why" he's like this. It's hardly comparable to going on a thread where someone's behaved like a dick and saying they must have dementia. It's seeing something that resonates and asking if this is the reason.

So he has no trouble making the effort to look respectable for work because that's important to him, but brushing his teeth for you is somehow too hard? Where are you on his list of priorities?

AsterixInEngland Of course. There can be many explanations. I'm sorry to hear your parents failed you like that. That's awful x

You clearly have poor standards too if you'd accept kissing a mouth that hasn't been cleaned since Tuesday!! Or holding a hand with snot on it!

Bet he doesn't wash his hands after he's wiped his bum either.

Sex with someone who doesn't shower - You say it's OK as you use condoms?

Do you want kids - what example will he set to them?

Completely gross and incredibly disrespectful to you and this is only the start of your relationship, what else will he let slide over the years?

it would be a deal breaker for me - grim beyond belief! It would be no physical contact whatsoever until he changed his ways for good.